Old Blue: Missing Beagle Not Entirely My Fault
By Ismel Arat, London, Reuters
Bookish NewOrderOnliner and Astrium UK space engineer Clive "Old Blue" Williams today strenuously denied reports that the disappearance of the Beagle 2 spacecraft was entirely his fault.
The Beagle Lander was due to touch down on Mars over a week ago but no transmissions have been received since then and scientists are now fearing the worst.
However, during a heated media conference at his Waterlooville manor yesterday, Old Blue remained unrepentant.
"Yes, I do work for the space programme. Yes, I did work on the Beagle. Yes, it's well known that my area of expertise is fitting the microwave navigational circuitry. But frankly -- like my old Nik Kershaw snood -- I'm simply not wearing it", he stated.
"The whole craft was slightly dodgy. As for my gadget, the wretched thing never did make the 'blip blip' noise in a satisfactory manner."
"Moreover, ever since Rocket Mick came down for a site visit with his bucket of cold KFC, the microwave device has been on the fritz."
"It's had all the boys at the lab baffled. The faint whiff of gravy was also unexpected in testing", he mused.
"Since we lost contact with the Beagle, we've been on red alert. We've curtailed all social events and the Meccano club's been cancelled for the foreseeable future. No one's been for a pint at the Pride of Icarus for days. We're gutted.
"At home, Anne's had to endure crazed maniacs lobbing Snoopy toys through our windows in the middle of the night. It's sheer lunacy, someone might get killed."
Despite all the public backlash, Old Blue remained confident it would turn out well for the UK space programme.
"At Astrium, the lads and I are doing every darned thing we can to find that little puppy and return England to the top of the international science tree. It's been a long and barren time since the triumph of Sir Clive Sinclair's C5."
