WHY I WOULD NOT MAKE A GOOD PROSECUTION WITNESS IN THE MICHAEL JACKSON MOLESTATION TRIAL Trevor Seigler
Bailiff: Mr. Seigler, raise your right hand (pause) no, the other hand, Mr. Seigler...do you swear the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
Me: Um, yeah, but I don't know why I'm...
Bailiff: A simple "I do" will suffice.
Me: What, are we getting married or something? What's all this "I do" crap.
Judge: Mr. Seigler, do you mind? Just say "yes" or "no".
Me: Which one? Yes or no? I don't understand the question.
Judge: The jury will disregard Mr. Seigler's obvious mental handicap and concern themselves with his testimony. (to me) Mr. Seigler, I trust you understand that much at least.
Me: Sure, what the hell. Ask away.
Prosecutor: Mr. Seigler, how do you know Mr. Jackson?
Me: Well, he made all those great songs back in the Eighties, "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough", "Beat It", "Thriller", I mean, the guy was inescapable...
Prosecutor: Yes, but how do YOU know the defendant personally?
Me: Me?
Prosecutor: Yes, Mr. Seigler. You are the one in the witness box.
Me: Really?
Prosecutor: Yes, Mr. Seigler...
Me: No shit?
Prosecutor (to judge): Permission to treat the witness as hostile, your honor.
Judge: Proceed, councilor...
Me: Whoa, does that mean I'm gonna get beat up and shit?
Prosecutor: Mr. Seigler, do you in fact have any connection whatsoever to the defendant, Michael Jackson?
Me: Who he?
Prosecutor: He's right over there, Mr. Seigler.
Me: Oh, yeah. The "Wacko Jacko" guy...
Defense Attorney: Objection, your honor. Hearsay!
Judge: Sustained. (to me) Mr. Seigler, why are you in this courtroom today? You were called by the prosecution in their case, yet your testimony so far has been...uniquely unconnected to the case.
Me: It has?
Jury (in unison): Yes, you moron!
Me: Oh, sorry...
Prosecutor: Mr. Seigler, when you came to my office, you told me that you had seen Mr. Jackson, on numerous occasions engaging in activities with children that you said was "disturbing" in nature. What exactly did you see?
Me: Um...well, there was that video, for "Black and White", when he and Macaulay Culkin were dancing...
Prosecutor: That was a music video, Mr. Seigler, from almost a decade ago...
Me (interrupting):...when Micheal still had a nose.
Defense Attorney: Objection! Hearsay!
Judge: Overruled. (to me) Mr. Seigler, do you mean to tell us that you have wasted the court's time simply because you saw Mr. Jackson dancing in a video with a child who is now an adult? Do you really expect us to sit here and listen to you discuss the merits of Mr. Culkin's presence in that video, when we have serious accusations of child abuse against Mr. Jackson?
Defense Attorney: Objection, hearsay!
Judge: Shut up, it's not hearsay if I say it!
Defense Attorney: Is too!
Prosecutor: Your honor, I move that Mr. Seigler be placed under arrest for false, and indeed utterly pointless, testimony, and that his bail be set at the maximum. I'm not sure I feel comfortable with someone of his limited intelligence wandering around.
Me: Don't I get to be on TV? I want to be on TV!
Judge: Mr. Seigler, I hereby find you in contempt...
Defense Attorney: Objection, your honor. Hearsay!
(Judge, Jury, Prosecutor and Me all look at Defense Attorney)
Defense Attorney: Sorry, force of habit...
Me (being led away by bailiffs): Wait, wait, I remember now! Michael and I were hanging out by the pool, and he said "Gee, you need some sunscreen. Let me rub it..."
Judge: I would like to extend my apologies to the jury for that uncooperative witness. Prosecuting attorney, please call your next witness.
Prosecutor: The prosecution calls Bubbles the Chimp, your honor...
The End
