(something I wrote for McSweeneys, but probably they won't publish)
Um, yes, hello, I'll be your waiter this evening. I'll be waiting mostly for the tip...
Let me tell you about our specials. They're fantastic, they're so delicious you almost feel like you understand what life is all about. Of course, it doesn't prove that God exists, but then again our perch in lemon sauce does come close. There's some steak with sliced carrots, it's something the chef calls a "Too Tired to Cook" meal. He's very lazy, our cook. He comes from a long line of lazy men. His father was shot fatally in 1945 but took years to die because he was napping.
Ah, I see you're interested in the Asian cusine. I suppose you could say I share that interest...
The house soup is really just some warmed-over tap water with some garnish sprinkled in. I served it to the critic who said "Deconstructing Henry" was an abysmal mess. I thought one good turn deserves a bad one.
Ah, 1989. A good choice of wine, if I say so myself. You try getting Marty Landau to read for you after "Ed Wood". The son of a bitch gets one pity Oscar and suddenly he's too good to take your calls. Kinda walked through "Crimes and Misdemeanors", though.
Egg Salad Sandwich? No, that's not obscure enough...
Let me get your coat, madam. I was trying it on in the closet, I hope you don't mind.
You call this a tip? Let me give you a tip: you're going to be a character in my next movie. The part is "Asshole Cheapskate Number 1". Your wife can audition for "Cheapskeate Number 2" if she wants.
Oh, don't mind me. I'm just writing bad things about you for the script I'm developing.
You seem to understand Allen's humor very well. Hilarious!
