Dear Red States,

Dear Red States:

We're ticked off at the way you've treated California, and we've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast.

We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly:

You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

What if you're a blue-stater trapped in Jesusland?

Top-notch, though I do think the good people of Montana will feel slighted to be lumped in with the white trash of the deep South and Midwest. Yep, Montana is different...there are no people in Montana :p

Taboo # 7 wrote: What if you're a blue-stater trapped in Jesusland?

don't worry, i'm one too. we'll just have to move.

Great stuff there :D Looks like they get Vegas as well, but as noted in the movie Casino, that ain't what it used to be.

ah well at least everyone in the south gets chicken chilli gumbo whats with this nth v sth shite ,as a european (even worse than a southerner i know) id thought the states had evolved out of this?? or maybe john titter was right??

mike powell wrote: ah well at least everyone in the south gets chicken chilli gumbo whats with this nth v sth shite ,as a european (even worse than a southerner i know) id thought the states had evolved out of this?? or maybe john titter was right??

well, you see, we've never really gotten over what the north calls 'the civil war' and the south 'the war of northern aggression.'

Every negative stereotype the rest of the world holds about Americans (Hi Nicos! ;) )? It's a Southern characteristic. Says it all, really.

The South will rise again...at four-thirty, to begin their morning shift at McDonalds for less than minimum wage

What's The Matter With Kanas? could easily be about the South, in terms of discussing how we as a region vote for the political party that does not have our economic wellbeing in mind, but rather knows that we get angry at the site of two dudes kissing. And don't even try telling us that we "descended from apes". That shit don't fly well down here

(get it? Shit flying? Apes throwing their pooh at each other? )

I imagine I'll be asked to return my Sons of The Confederacy membership card (along with the awesome benefits that being a member entails, like my own lawn jockey of Negroid persuasion and my "Southern Recipies, 1861-1865" free cookbook with the way to make a stale loaf of bread feed twenty with dysentary)

Yes, I don't want to be within range of anything North Korea could fire at us, just because Bush pissed them off. Yet I'm staying on the West Coast, so it's time to secede.

Can I be the fuhrer of Nuevo California?

Tristan Jayol wrote: Can I be the fuhrer of Nuevo California?

sorry. it's the red states that choose leaders who believe they are above the law because of their supposed moral superiority. ;)

Taboo # 7 wrote: The South will rise again...at four-thirty, to begin their morning shift at McDonalds for less than minimum wage

I totally want to make this a bumper sticker.... ...or buy it if someone already has.

Only if you want to be beaten to death by someone called Billie-ray-jim-bob. Being the polite type he is, he'll then say "this here's ma mom and sista", introducing the woman next to him.

Southern Monkeys.

I can feel all the tolerance and love just pouring through my monitor..........

carroll13 wrote:

Taboo # 7 wrote: The South will rise again...at four-thirty, to begin their morning shift at McDonalds for less than minimum wage

I totally want to make this a bumper sticker.... ...or buy it if someone already has.

Hmm, that is quite catchy...anyone know of a reputable bumper-sticker company that wouldn't steal the money from me hand-over-fist if I showed it to them unpatented?

I'm proud to be a Southerner. At least we had the balls to do something when the Feds tried to take away something. Of course, that "something" was human beings bought and sold like meat, but still, it's the principle of the thing

Anyway, it's the damn carpetbaggers after the war that are to blame, they screwed us royally. That's right, I mean you, producers of Hollywood's TV shows "Beverly Hillbillies", "Hee Haw", and "Dukes of Hazzard"

We here in the Great State of Texas will be just fine. We can grow our own food and raise our own livestock. With The University, A&M and Rice, you can keep your snotty Ivy Leaguers (they can't play football, anyway..) We've got oil, nukes,natural gas, wind and solar for power. We've got air and sea ports a plenty. We've got a nice chunk of the Air Force and Army just in case y'all get uppity (and don't think for a minute that most of the rest of the military wouldn't want to come over to our side). And, what we don't have, we'll just come and take from you. What are bunch of stoned pacifist going to do about it? Write mean editorials?

Tex wrote: We here in the Great State of Texas will be just fine. We can grow our own food and raise our own livestock. With The University, A&M and Rice, you can keep your snotty Ivy Leaguers (they can't play football, anyway..)

first of all, about football: we in the ivy league are kind enough to allow one-armed kickers onto our teams (hail, columbia!). take that, texas!

and we build more stable bonfires.

bLuE oRdEr wrote: Every negative stereotype the rest of the world holds about Americans? It's a Southern characteristic. Says it all, really.

Tex wrote: We here in the Great State of Texas will be just fine...And, what we don't have, we'll just come and take from you...

Q.E.D.

Which also explains this.

Ergo, another lie to tell.

Tex wrote: With The University, A&M and Rice, you can keep your snotty Ivy Leaguers

and you're referring to texas A&M as an educational institution? that's a new one.

Tex wrote: I can feel all the tolerance and love just pouring through my monitor..........

It occurred to me later that you may have missed my Guy Ritchie reference vis-a-vis "Southern Monkeys," so, well, it's a Guy Ritchie reference.

Question....which new coun try will get the yellowstone caldera?

When that baby goes the USA is gone (we're ALL boned, but the US is outta there). I just have this image that if it ends up in jesusland, they'll all be praying to it when it blows. Because of course plate techtonics being a millions of years sort of thing, cannot possibly exist according to jesus freaks and their 6000 yrold earth.

It's overdue you know.

Steve Campbell wrote: Question....which new coun try will get the yellowstone caldera?

When that baby goes the USA is gone (we're ALL boned, but the US is outta there). I just have this image that if it ends up in jesusland, they'll all be praying to it when it blows. Because of course plate techtonics being a millions of years sort of thing, cannot possibly exist according to jesus freaks and their 6000 yrold earth.

It's overdue you know.

I reckon they can have it; let 'em set up their capital city/main temple right on it.

See ya! or in their parlance, "See y'all."

But Really, I've been thinking about going to Jellystone, errm, Yellowstone a lot lately. Hmmm...

yes, that would be wyoming and montana. red states, both.

but unfortunately when it blows (which it will), it will completely destroy the entire western half of the united states and affect the weather over the entire planet. so basically we're all fucked.

drink up while you can.

I'm currently writing a paper-- the last hurdle to my graduation-- about the federal government's wolf conservation policy. Basically, they're saying that as long as we have wolves sitting on top of-- you guessed it-- the yellowstone caldera, the species is no longer endangered THROUGHOUT THE WESTERN STATES, even in those states (i.e., most of the western United States) where they no longer exist.

This should add some interesting new material to my paper regarding stochastic events...

AgentWood wrote: yes, that would be wyoming and montana. red states, both.

but unfortunately when it blows (which it will), it will completely destroy the entire western half of the united states and affect the weather over the entire planet. so basically we're all fucked.

drink up while you can.

Thanks for cheering me up with that news...hopefully it'll be over quick if I'm around....

10,000 times bigger than St. Helens?

AgentWood wrote: yes, that would be wyoming and montana. red states, both.

but unfortunately when it blows (which it will), it will completely destroy the entire western half of the united states and affect the weather over the entire planet. so basically we're all fucked.

drink up while you can.

You just know that if there's anybody left in Jesusland, they'll be blaming any eruptions on San Francisco gays and Massachusetts liberals, because God would NEVER destroy the U.S. for Jesusland’s oil wars.

Hey AgentWood,

Great letter! I hope your vision becomes a reality. It sounds like a utopia. Maybe one day....oh wait...it is. It's called Canada.

Especially...

AgentWood wrote: By the way, we're taking the good pot, too.

[darkgreen]Green[/darkgreen] wrote:

AgentWood wrote: yes, that would be wyoming and montana. red states, both.

but unfortunately when it blows (which it will), it will completely destroy the entire western half of the united states and affect the weather over the entire planet. so basically we're all fucked.

drink up while you can.

Thanks for cheering me up with that news...hopefully it'll be over quick if I'm around....

10,000 times bigger than St. Helens?

If it's all over, just a matter of time, I hope I can find a date before then...

Unagiboy wrote: Hey AgentWood,

Great letter! I hope your vision becomes a reality. It sounds like a utopia. Maybe one day....oh wait...it is. It's called Canada.

Especially...

AgentWood wrote: By the way, we're taking the good pot, too.

thanks, but i can't take credit for writing it (unfortunately).

The Yellowstone Caldera is just a tool of the liberal media to distract from the vitally important issues of the day:

God doesn't want you to live if it means taking cells from stem cells to save your life.

Missing white girls in Aruba need to be found so we can say we were right to slight an entire nation in our tabloid press.

Weapons of Mass Destruction don't need to be found to prove we were right to invade Iraq instead of keeping after Osama.

Karl Rove is innocent of all charges because Jesus told us so.

Bill O'Reilly is a credible journalist, not Sy Hersh.

God Loves NASCAR.

Now, what's more important than any of those?

ummmm....there actually is a california seccesionist movement...of which I am a part.

we subsidize criminal activities like dynegy and enron when they rip us off by rigging the power supply and then Cheney meets with them to find a "resolution".

who do you think that they donated their $$ to?

California would be the worlds 6th or 7th largest economy...we don't need the US. In fact of every dollar of taxes that gets sent to Washington only 88-90 cents returns to the state...which means we are subsidizing the rest of these goofs in the middle of the country that want to get rid of evolution and believe that the bible should be the law of the land.

Delay, Rove, Limbaugh...all fine examples of the new effort to restore truth and honesty to the country...rrriiiiiggghhhtt.

Gonzales...its ok to hold foreigners (and american citizens for that matter) indefinitely without charging them....is now the AG...talk about setting precedent for a police state down the road...patriot act my ass!

we don't need any of these a**holes and I'm all for breaking away...

Taboo # 7 wrote: The Yellowstone Caldera is just a tool of the liberal media to distract from the vitally important issues of the day:

God doesn't want you to live if it means taking cells from stem cells to save your life.

Missing white girls in Aruba need to be found so we can say we were right to slight an entire nation in our tabloid press.

Weapons of Mass Destruction don't need to be found to prove we were right to invade Iraq instead of keeping after Osama.

Karl Rove is innocent of all charges because Jesus told us so.

Bill O'Reilly is a credible journalist, not Sy Hersh.

God Loves NASCAR.

Now, what's more important than any of those?

Great points...gotta say though that only in the south (the home of dukes of hazard after all) could driving in a circle making left turns all day be considered a sport...

This is very confusing. Am I correct in understanding that the 'reds' are in fact conservative (aka true blues) and the 'blues' are liberal (aka pinkos)?

404 error wrote: This is very confusing. Am I correct in understanding that the 'reds' are in fact conservative (aka true blues) and the 'blues' are liberal (aka pinkos)?

I think in the US that's correct. I found it confusing too 'cuz in Canada, the Conservatives (Tories) are considered "blue" and the Liberals are "red".

bLuE oRdEr wrote:

bLuE oRdEr wrote: Every negative stereotype the rest of the world holds about Americans? It's a Southern characteristic. Says it all, really.

Tex wrote: We here in the Great State of Texas will be just fine...And, what we don't have, we'll just come and take from you...

Q.E.D.

Please don't Maureen Dowd-ify my quotes...... ;)

AgentWood wrote:

Tex wrote: With The University, A&M and Rice, you can keep your snotty Ivy Leaguers

and you're referring to texas A&M as an educational institution? that's a new one.

As an Orangeblood, it's not really my job to go around defending the Aggies, but, it's really not a bad institution...... (defective bonfires aside)

Hydrapelican wrote:

Taboo # 7 wrote: The Yellowstone Caldera is just a tool of the liberal media to distract from the vitally important issues of the day:

God doesn't want you to live if it means taking cells from stem cells to save your life.

Missing white girls in Aruba need to be found so we can say we were right to slight an entire nation in our tabloid press.

Weapons of Mass Destruction don't need to be found to prove we were right to invade Iraq instead of keeping after Osama.

Karl Rove is innocent of all charges because Jesus told us so.

Bill O'Reilly is a credible journalist, not Sy Hersh.

God Loves NASCAR.

Now, what's more important than any of those?

Great points...gotta say though that only in the south (the home of dukes of hazard after all) could driving in a circle making left turns all day be considered a sport...

...or driving in a straight line whilst fouling the environment with nitromethane fumes. Oh, wait. Drag racing started in California.

http://www.nhra.com/aboutnhr/history.html

Tex wrote:

bLuE oRdEr wrote:

bLuE oRdEr wrote: Every negative stereotype the rest of the world holds about Americans? It's a Southern characteristic. Says it all, really.

Tex wrote: We here in the Great State of Texas will be just fine...And, what we don't have, we'll just come and take from you...

Q.E.D.

Please don't Maureen Dowd-ify my quotes...... ;)

The use of ellipses does not signify that a quote is taken out of context. Surely they teach this even in Texas universities? :D

Tex wrote:

bLuE oRdEr wrote:

bLuE oRdEr wrote: Every negative stereotype the rest of the world holds about Americans? It's a Southern characteristic. Says it all, really.

Tex wrote: We here in the Great State of Texas will be just fine...And, what we don't have, we'll just come and take from you...

Q.E.D.

Please don't Maureen Dowd-ify my quotes...... ;)

i could sean hannity 'em and just make shit up.

Unagiboy wrote:

404 error wrote: This is very confusing. Am I correct in understanding that the 'reds' are in fact conservative (aka true blues) and the 'blues' are liberal (aka pinkos)?

I think in the US that's correct. I found it confusing too 'cuz in Canada, the Conservatives (Tories) are considered "blue" and the Liberals are "red".

whoa, there. the political spectrum in the US is VERY narrow. 'liberals' are no more 'red' than conservatives are. the democratic party is hardly a pillar of socialism or even social democracy (which is one of the reasons i left it).

for an interesting view on political ideas try the quiz onthis site and also see where they plot world leaders...and even composers (for a laugh--except for wagner, of course).

That's why I'm a member of the Apathy Party....

Not Giving a Damn Since 1992 :D

AgentWood wrote:

Unagiboy wrote:

404 error wrote: This is very confusing. Am I correct in understanding that the 'reds' are in fact conservative (aka true blues) and the 'blues' are liberal (aka pinkos)?

I think in the US that's correct. I found it confusing too 'cuz in Canada, the Conservatives (Tories) are considered "blue" and the Liberals are "red".

whoa, there. the political spectrum in the US is VERY narrow. 'liberals' are no more 'red' than conservatives are. the democratic party is hardly a pillar of socialism or even social democracy (which is one of the reasons i left it).

for an interesting view on political ideas try the quiz onthis site and also see where they plot world leaders...and even composers (for a laugh--except for wagner, of course).

Nonetheless, red is traditionally considered the colour of socialism (or communism) pretty much all over the world. Possibly the association of blue and conservativism is specific to British influenced nations. So even though I _know_ the US political maps are different, I still find myself thinking for a brief instant when I look at a US election result 'Gosh, the midwest is solidly socialist!...pity about all those Tories on the coast'.

Still, what does one expect from a country that can't even spell the word colour!

Steve Campbell wrote: Question....which new coun try will get the yellowstone caldera?

When that baby goes the USA is gone (we're ALL boned, but the US is outta there). I just have this image that if it ends up in jesusland, they'll all be praying to it when it blows. Because of course plate techtonics being a millions of years sort of thing, cannot possibly exist according to jesus freaks and their 6000 yrold earth.

It's overdue you know.

But will it happen before half of Hawaii topples into the Pacific causing a tsunami that will wipe out the West Coast, or before one of the Canary Isles slides into the Atlantic causing a tsuanami that will wipe out the East Coast (and the West coast of Europe)? Both are apparently inevitable.
(I'm suprised several thousand Al Qieda supporters haven't turned up on the Canaries and started vigorously jumping up and down. Those guys have no imagination)

404 error wrote:

But will it happen before half of Hawaii topples into the Pacific causing a tsunami that will wipe out the West Coast

i think you mean california toppling into the pacific?

Tex wrote: We've got a nice chunk of the Air Force and Army just in case y'all get uppity (and don't think for a minute that most of the rest of the military wouldn't want to come over to our side).

I wouldn't be so sure about that. Perhaps the majority of the troops may be politically aligned with the red states, but let's not forget the reason undereducated young men from poor rural states join the military in the first place-- because it's a paying job. With two-thirds of the tax revenues, the blue states are far more capable of paying a good military salary than are the red states. Of course, y'all can tax yourselves to death just to keep up, if you want.

AgentWood wrote:

404 error wrote:

But will it happen before half of Hawaii topples into the Pacific causing a tsunami that will wipe out the West Coast

i think you mean california toppling into the pacific?

Actually I was thinking of what a geophysicist once told me (in the pub, not in a refereed paper) that part of one of the Hawaiian islands was overdue for a major landslip that would cause a tsunami. But you are right of course, California is quite capable of ending up under the ocean without any outside assistance.