Thank you all for coming, I suppose you all know why we're here. There will be a short Q%A session afterwards, but first I'd like to read from the statement I prepared this afternoon.
First off, things are not so good here, and I admit they could be better. COBRA's mandate has long been to acquire world domination through any means necessary, but more often than not the "any means necessary" has involved measures that are easily foiled by our nemesis, G.I. Joe. There has been talk of changing horses in the middle of our campaign of worldwide terror, and I hear your complaints about my leadership loud and clear. However, I think it's foolhardy to ask me to step down just because we've had a rough seventeen-year run of bad luck.
Serpentor has already brought up the notion of taking over in my place. I think we may not be so short-sided as to forget how disasterous his first trial-run at the leader's position turned out. I concede that Destro has been a valued member of the COBRA team, but his constant disobediance has been more of a hinderance than he might like to admit. Destro talks a good game, and I'm sure he's implied on more than one occasion that he had nothing to do with some of my less-successful raids against G.I. Joe, but he was present for all planning sessions. He never mentions that, does he? Yeah, you see nothing, you know nothing, Destro. You don't know how to run COBRA, that's for sure. And finally, Dr. Mindbender isn't even a legitmate medically-licensed professional. He's just a crackpot that I had the misfortune of bumping into while I was in rehab back in the Seventies. The guy's nutso, okay? He's insane, and he's German. Remember the last guy who fit those descriptions? And he's in a high position of leadership within the administration of all our operations. I take the full blame for any of you subjected to his "experiments".
I do not plan on stepping down from my twenty-odd years as your glorious leader. I suppose our whole mission of futile terrorist acts, swiftly repealed by our enemies on the American government's payroll, has led many of you to question whether we can ever achieve our goals. I'm here to tell you that I'm not quite ready to do that. I have been working hard at this whole "world domination" scheme for a long time, people, and the goals worth pursuing are the hardest ones to achieve. You've all seen that poster in my office, the one with the cat barely hanging on to the tree. What's the caption for that? That's right..."don't give up!"
Oh, in conclusion, no unnecessary raids on weapons factories unless you're willing to pay those ridiculous prices at the pump. I don't have to tell you how conservation is an integral part of the COBRA philosophy, along with worldwide campaigns to conduct terrorist activities and cause general mayham. Thank you for your time.
