Sent this to the Lampoon:
FROM THE MIND OF STEINBRENNER Trevor Seigler
From The Desk of George Steinbrenner Owner New York Yankees
TO: Brian Cashman, Yankees General Manager
RE: 2005 Post-Season Performance
Dear Brian,
WHAT THE HELL DO I PAY YOU FOR? What the fuck was that? The Anaheim Angels of Orange County beat us. This is not supposed to happen!
I'm sorry, Brian, I got carried away. I apologize if my language was harsh. But you would be upset as well if YOU JUST PISSED AWAY YOUR FORTUNE ON A SUB-PAR BALLCLUB!
Seriously, I thought the Series was a done deal! We've got A-Rod, Matsui, Gary Sheffield, Jason Giambi. Where the hell were they Monday night? What am I paying them for?
Okay, calming down a bit...I mean, it's only a game, right?
OF COURSE IT'S MORE THAN A GAME, JACKASS! It's my fucking reputation on the line here!
I'm the Boss, Cash-man. That's right, "Boss" with a capital motherfucking "B". You don't piss away MY money on a bunch of losers and expect me just to sit here and take it!
I want changes, and I want them now. No more choking in the post-season. NO MORE!
First off, Joe Torre has been a valued member of the Yankees, a first-rate manager. A class guy. Which is why YOU NEED TO GET RID OF THE BASTARD! I'm beginning to think that cancer he had a few years back is affecting his judgement! Didn't he have to lose a testicle or something? Never trust a guy with one ball, Brian. Joe's been like the son I never had, but it's time to get Oedipal on his sorry ass! I'm not saying clawing his eyes out, just make sure he bleeds as he makes his way out the door!
Secondly, Derek Jeter is the captain of this team, a true champion whose leadership I respect and whose playing has never been better. MAYBE HE'LL HAVE TIME TO WORK ON THOSE "LEADERSHIP SKILLS" IN MEXICO! The son-of-a-bitch, I make him captain and what does he do? He stays out all night and bangs Mariah Carey. How can you lead when you've got a hungover and the clap? Let's see him try and become a career Yankee in Veracruz against Senor Paco and the Jumping Beans of the Tequila League!
Jason Giambi was my proudest additon, a man and ballplayer of the highest caliber. THEN AGAIN, HE GOT CAUGHT WITH STEROIDS IN HIS VEINS! Pardon me, Brian, but isn't that illegal? I don't break the law in my business practices, and I don't want anyone on my team breaking the law, especially with the Feds breathing down my fucking neck! See if Syracuse needs a former-junkie hitting coach...and if they don't, MAKE THEM!
A-Rod, the jewel of our team, the Multi-Million Dollar Man, a fantastic hitter in the clutch. OH, WAIT A MINUTE! THE FUCKING DICK COST ME HOW MUCH? And what has he done? Nothing except become the poster-boy for choking under pressure, that's what. Him and his little sissy "slap" last year, I almost had to quit my private club membership out of embarassment over that one. See if he would take a pay cut...and a move to Tampa Bay. Shit, we can't unload this guy on the Mets right now.
And finally, there's me. Yes, Brian, I've made some mistakes. LIKE LETTING A LITTLE PUSSY LIKE YOURSELF RUN MY TEAM INTO THE FUCKING GROUND! Billy Martin would kick your ass blindfolded with one arm tied around his back and drunk as an Irishman! And trust me, I've seen him do it! You know what you've done with my cash, Cash-man? You've WASTED IT on fucking jackasses like Matsui, Mike Mussina, and Kevin Brown. On the other hand, you did sign Randy Johnson. RANDY "MY TALENT WENT WITH MY MULLET" JOHNSON! Great find there, Brian.
So I'm giving you your walking papers. If you want something done right, DO IT YOUR FUCKING SELF! That's right, Brian, the guy who gets your job is the guy who gave you your job. Specifically, ME! Because God knows I could do worse.
I'm going to re-sign Joe Dimaggio, Mickey, and the Babe. Hell, that makes more sense than another seventy-million for A-Rod and his "Hamburger Helper" gloves. And I'd save a ton. I could finally move the team to Jersey like I've always wanted. Something tells me the "Yankee Faithfull" will get used to it.
And you know why, Brian? Because it's all your fault. You should've taken my checkbook away from me. You forced me to spend and spend, Brian. You have no shame.
Sincerely, George Michael Steinbrenner III Owner and New General Manager Hoboken Yankees
