Hello and greetings, American infidel pig-dogs, on this holiest of your supposed "holidays"! And Happy Kwanzaa as well (whatever the hell that is).
How are things? You notice I haven't really done much since 9/11 in your neck of the woods, huh? Yeah, I admit it's been a slow time for yours truly, up here in the moutains of AfghnPakistan (try decoding that, Army Rangers!), and I am so sorry that I could not deliver on the whole "rivers of blood pouring through your streets" idea. Though those stupid curtain-things in Central Park gave kind of a glimpse into what it would look like. I have to say, my turban's off to Christo or Crisco or whatever his name is!
So it is now that you are welcoming the anniversary of the birth of the one you call the "Messiah" and looking ahead to the new year 2006. Yes, I acknowledge that it's a bit late for me to spring anything on your unsuspecting public officials to decimate all your nuclear facilities and lay waste to the agricultural wasteland. Osama's gotta Xmas shopping too, okay. You try that "Secret Santa" crap when your family counts in the thousands! Try telling Ackbar that "one BMW will just have to do".
Anywho, I thought at the least, I could try and instill some fear into your populace as they gorge themselves on the false notions of "liberty" and "togetherness" that hide their prejudices from the world for only a while. The last thing any American wants is to be caught in a traffic jam, right? Well, let me promise you this, then:
The streets of America will be overrun with cars, massive traffic jams nationwide! And al Qaeda will claim credit for each and every one!
What, is that not good enough for your desires to have me be the "boogyman" in your sick deluded fantasies of what the Arab world is? Can I not satisfy your views of me as some kind of villain any more diabolically? Screw you! I'm living in a fucking mountain! You try running a worldwide terrorist organization while everyone has to keep their heads turned until you're done with "number two" just because you're uncomfortable going to the bathroom around others!
Okay, I flew off the handle a bit there. I apologize, and I wish only the gladest tidings of joy to you and yours...
Merry Christmas.........and Death to America, Osama
PS - I cannot believe the Colts let the Chargers ruin their undefeated season! Now I have to pay Al Zarqawi for that stupid "perfect season" bet...argh, it is no good being an internationally wanted man if you can't get your bookie to go against the spread!
PPS - Death to America...except Ray Romano. He's funny
:p
