My fellow Americans,
I wish that I could be airing this message as one of simple greetings to you and yours this holiday season, as we gather round the communal warmth of the TV and await the arrival of Christmas Day tomorrow, as well as Ch-Hannukah for our Jewish friends, Kwanza-za-boom for those of the African-American faith, and Ramadan for the Japanese.
But I come to you tonight on a matter of grave national importance, and a serious threat to the American way of life.
Earlier this evening, I was told by CIA operatives that many transmissions had been monitered from a secret artic base, where it is believed that an operative known only as "Santa Claus" resides in his toy-making factory along with his wife and several workers of an elvish origin. Normal traffic through the area during most of the year is minimal at best, with only the stray Patriot Missile going off course or a Texaco ship running aground and unleashing millions of tons of crude oil into the local population of whales and other animal life. But as of this month, traffic has picked up considerably, and contacts traced to areas as diverse as Syria, Iran, and France, have led our nation's top security officials to conclude one thing, and one thing only: a massive operation against all that we as a nation stand for is being planned to occur later on tonight.
I do not mean to alarm you, citizens. I merely wish to inform you of the dangers.
Now, this Claus fellow is believed to operate on a very simple house-by-house methodology that frustrates the efforts of law enforcement and the military to nip in the bud. He apparently leaves so-called "gifts" for good boys and girls, but nothing for the bad ones. At least that's what our enemies who hate freedom would have us believe.
But the CIA director has assured me that information pertaining to Santa's ties to al Qaeda are legitimate, and I have every confidence that such evidence is inunimpeachable.
I am cautioning you, my friends across the land, that this Santa will try any means to gain entry into your domocile, and once there he will be at will to plant his various explosives and missiles with relative ease. All while you and yours are dreaming of reindeer footsteps on the roof above. Chilling, I know.
We as a nation will not be beholden to the terror that this freedom-hating bastard intends to unleash tonight. I have authorized legislation that calls for first-fire rights on all commerical aircraft crossing the United States tonight. I believe it is in everyone's best interest if Santa's flying device, or "sleigh", is sent hurtling to earth by the pride of our nation, the Blue Angels. Unfortunately, they're scheduled to do flyovers at the Lions game tomorrow. We shall simply have to rely on the nuclear arsenal that namby-pamby potsmoker who I restored dignity from wanted to get rid of. Put that in your bong and smoke it, Hilary.
So I urge you: be vigilant, be aware, be safe. Most of all, beware of the clippity-clop of reindeer hooves upon your house, or the "ho-ho-ho" of the Bin Laden of the North Pole. Santa Claus will not gain victory so long as we remember what we are fighting for. More oil from Iraq...I mean, more freedom for the people of the world.
Except France. Screw those frogs.
Thank you, good night...and God Bless the USA (Lee Greenwood, would you do the honors?)
President George W. Bush, Alcoholic :beer2:
PS - Laura, where's the damn salsa at? How many time I gotta slap you til you listen? 
