Chuck Norris, biatch.
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"why are you dressin granny up as a mugger and pushin her towards Chuck norris?" (2 points for spotting)
LOL...what a link...I may try and script it into my sig :D
Chuck Norris removes his face from his skull every evening and puts it in a jar of pickling juice. He does this "just for the hell of it". His children and wives (he has more than one) are not allowed to see him in this condition, because they will suffer a massive seizure if they view his true face. 
When God was getting set to create Adam and Eve, Chuck Norris was standing in a field in Texas making sure He got it right and didn't turn it into Adam and Steve. Chuck Norris don't truck with that.
Coincedentially, Chuck Norris has no plans to see "Brokeback Mountain" 
:sex:
Chuck Norris fell in love once, after being shot by the Cupid. Now the Cupid is dead and love could never stand up again.
Chuck Norris Picks up the rice in a church Where a wedding had been Lives in a dream
Waits at a window Wearing a face that He keeps in a jar By the door
Who is it for? 
Vin Diesel was the first person to contract the influenza virus, which he used to fake his own death and go into hiding until he could kill his arch-nemesis, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
Princess Diana did not die in a car crash. She in fact saw Chuck Norris' penis and exploded in awe.
How did Chuck Norris become such a force to be reckoned with? Websites focus on his fear factor with fans.
By Paul Farhi Washington Post
January 6, 2006
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just not his own.
Chuck Norris does not fade away. By all rights he should have, by now. "Walker, Texas Ranger," his butt-kicking law-and-order TV series, finished its run on CBS in May 2001, after eight years and 203 episodes. And that should have been that for the great Stoneface, outside of the endless cable reruns, the Total Gym infomercials and the occasional late-night rebroadcast of one of his '80s-era chop-socky movies ("Lone Wolf McQuade," "Missing in Action," etc.).
But Chuck Norris, or maybe just Chuck Mania, endures.
The 65-year-old martial-arts master is the object of a kind of sardonic cult veneration. Conan O'Brien, on his late-night show, has been airing vintage "Walker" clips for months. Collegehumor.com, a website popular among the dorm set, regularly links to all things Norris on the Internet (recent entry: a rare photo of Norris sans beard). Norris popped up in a cameo in "Dodgeball" two summers ago and in a two-hour "Walker" movie in October, which drew respectable ratings.
Most intriguing, and certainly most amusing, has been the spread of Chuck Norris "facts," a series of Paul Bunyanesque exaggerations riffing on (and amplifying) the Legend of Chuck. Such as:
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
Why does Norris (once described by a critic as the stiffest guy on TV since Ed Sullivan) rate this sort of exaltation, this David Hasselhoff-ization? Why not fellow aging B-pic martial-arts action stars such as Steven Seagal or Jean-Claude Van Damme? Why not cartoonish wrestler-actors like the Rock or Hulk Hogan? Why not other men-of-frozen-facial-features such as Charles Bronson or Steve McQueen (a former Norris martial-arts student)?
Why not that MacGyver guy?
Why, in short, a guy who never uttered more than three consecutive lines of dialogue and tended to solve contentious military and law enforcement issues by, um, kicking people in the head?
Chuck Norris does not go hunting because "hunting" implies a chance of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
While hardly an unbiased source, Jeff Duclos, who has been Norris' publicist since the last season of "Walker," chalks up Chuck Mania to Norris' "consistent persona."
"There are very few people who have projected that kind of image, that kind of mythical heroism," he says. "People, especially young men, appreciate the underlying principles of that character, the morality, the dignity, the sense of right and wrong."
While Norris has never challenged Sir Laurence Olivier for acting nuance, he certainly has been consistent during his more than 30-year movie and TV career. Through scores of "Walker" episodes and nearly two dozen movies, he played pretty much the same guy. As the square-jawed embodiment of law and order, he could be counted on to do What Was Right, even if right involved beating up people, which, in Norris' case, it invariably did.
"Walker," which drew almost 20 million viewers at its peak, was predictable, simple and (as Conan's clips demonstrate) often unintentionally funny. To call "Walker" retro is to insult retro. Although it was in the tradition of "Gunsmoke" and John Wayne westerns, it existed in its own space-time continuum. As latter-day Texas Ranger Cordell Walker, Norris and his sidekicks were the white hats out to rid the West (or at least Dallas) of drug-dealin', kidnappin', gun-runnin', no-good scum. Every week, justice prevailed. And it prevailed with great guest stars, including Frank Stallone, Joan Jett, Erik Estrada, Ann Jillian, Tom Bosley and Barbara Mandrell.
There was a certain integrity to the series. To his credit, Norris, who was executive producer of the show, never tried to do a Very Special Episode (OK, the one about him and Alex registering for their wedding was an exception). "Walker" never did subtlety, or ambiguity, or irony. (In fact, Chuck Norris can bend irony into balloon-animal shapes.)
Another possible explanation for Norris adulation is a demographic one: Young adults, who grew up watching "Walker" on Saturday nights, are reliving a fond bit of their childhood, just as earlier generations elevated "The Brady Bunch" and "The Dukes of Hazzard" to iconic camp status. In any case, young people seem to be the driving force behind Norris nostalgia. The most frequent visitors to the Chuck Norris Fact Generator — www.4q.cc/chuck/ — a daily offering of Chuck "facts," are college students and military personnel, according to Ian Spector, the site's co-founder.
Spector, 17, a Brown University freshman from Long Island, started a "fact" site for the actor Vin Diesel in April and joined forces with another Web designer, Mike Lelli, to launch the Norris site a month later. After some slow going, things have picked up: The Norris generator got 18 million of its 28.7 million hits in the past month, Spector reports. He has now collected some 8,000 Norris "facts" from visitors and plans to produce a book and a calendar.
Why the passion for Chuck? Spector has a few thoughts: "I guess he's well enough known that people know what he's done," he says. "And he's been out of the culture long enough so that people can go wherever they want with the 'facts.' Beyond that, it's really hard to say."
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Norris was on vacation with his family and unavailable for comment, according to Duclos. The publicist adds, however, that Norris doesn't mind making a little fun of his persona. In addition to the "Dodgeball" cameo, he appeared on O'Brien's show last year, in a humorous skit in which Norris/Walker stops O'Brien from showing another "Walker" clip by shooting his hand away from a clip-generating lever. The two men then mock-argue and engage in a carefully choreographed martial-arts fight.
"He's a good sport," Duclos says. "He's a serious guy, but I don't think he takes himself too seriously."
As for the Internet "facts," Norris hasn't seen those yet, says Duclos.
Probably just as well. You wouldn't want to upset Chuck Norris.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
I submitted the one about rubber nipples to the site 
Chuck Norris can never die. He can only get slightly winded, then he is reanimated via photosynthesis. Chuck Norris is a giant plant.
If you try and tell your children about "the birds and the bees", Chuck Norris will be standing watch to make sure you stress "abstaining before marriage"
Chuck Norris never rests. If he sleeps, you die.
Taboo # 7 wrote: I submitted the one about nipple rubbers to the site
Nipple rubbers? Is that safe sex, Chuck Norris style?
Chuck Norris will visit every theater that plans to show Brokeback Mountain and roundhouse kick the managers at each location until they agree to run "Walker" TV movies in its place.
Did he star in Delta Force? My brother and a mate were extras in that film.They got parts as extras in scenes filmed in Israel in 1986.
Chuck Norris once met Michael Jackson and asked him if he really wanted to know who was bad. Michael Jackson is still white.
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Chuck Norris vs Bud Spencer, now i'd like to see that.
Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn’t Jesus’ birthday. Jesus was too scared to correct Chuck Norris, and to this day, December 25th is known as Jesus's birthday.
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Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Unfortunately, Chuck Norris is so hardcore he never cries.
Taboo # 7 wrote: Chuck Norris will visit every theater that plans to show Brokeback Mountain and roundhouse kick the managers at each location until they agree to run "Walker" TV movies in its place.
Is Walker still in production? I though Chuckles had been replaced by Seagal.
when's missing in action #19 coming out. will he free some hostages from Bagdad this time? and get back in time to workout on his total gym.
On a typical date, Chuck Norris will pick you up in his Ford pick-up, deliver a fresh bouquet of roses and a bottle of wine, and take you to a romantic restaurant with its own buffet line. After dinner and drinks (during which Chuck will shower you with affection and flattery), he will pay the bill and escort you to the truck for the 9:30 showing of the classic Love Story at the drive-in theater. When the film is over, he'll return you home, where a gang of vicious ninjas led by the brother of his sworn enemy will be waiting. Chuck will defeat them all with well-placed punches to their throats, taking special pleasure in ripping his nemesis's brother's head clean off with one pull. Then, when walking you to your door and getting your stories straight for the cops, he'll hesitate before asking about seeing you again. When you agree to a second date, he'll lean in and deliver a romantic roundhouse kick, knocking you out cold. You may not want to see him again, but you won't forget the night you had with Chuck Norris. That's a Texas-style guarentee...
Here's three passages from Sun Tzu's book "The Art of War".
To be certain to take what you attack, attack where the enemy cannot defend.
To be certain of safety when defending, defend where the enemy cannot attack.
To be certain you live, if you see a pile of dead children and senior citizens, get the fuck out of there. It's Chuck Norris.
Christopher Owens wrote: Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
You went looking for this thread for that?
Christopher Owens wrote: Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
Why did he break a nail doing a karate chop through a pack of lurpack or summut?...the faggot!:wink3:
