The Shed

I'm conetnt with my podium finish

Very close Steve

NExt Shed Game 8pm Tonight

I'm celebrating my narrow loss with 4 medalions of tesco unsmoked bacon wedged between 2 weapons grade slices of tesco granary bread, with a little lurpak butter-replacemnt-probably-whipped-dog-semen.

Lovely.

I hope maya and Johhny are home in time for tonight's game :D

K9 just said "that is highly improbable master". Good Dog

Mike, thanks for hosting the games.

Hey UK shed heads......what's on your ITV region just now? We have North West200...a demonstration of madness in a beautiful part of NI....just wondering if it's on network cos it has English commentators.

show about the da vinci code movie on my itv

Good morning Sheds! Still sunny and bright here.

Lovely shed games again! Keep it up!

Regards, Emma

Morning Mrs P ;)

Cheers Jack, a shame, it was fucking scary, impressive, and had more actual racing than a whole season of F1. And portrush is a cool place ( well it is at 200mph ;) )

I'm really bored today, and can't face any revision at the moment, so I just thought I'd come in the shed and chat some crap.

First off, Happy Birthday to SHEDimon.

So I've finished school now and only have to go back in for exams. Got something through in the post today from school, a card wishing me luck in exams and 6th form signed by all my teachers this year, which is pretty cool.

Last day was pretty mint. Took a shirt round and got it signed by everyone, there's no blue left on it now. My English teacher almost refused to sign it because someone drew a picture of Stevie with a knob shaped hat on on the back of it, but he did in the end cos he's a well cool guy. That knob hat joke is gonna live with Stevie forever.

Loads of my mates almost got expelled on the last day, it was well bad!! They all went out of school at lunch time and into the park, to take some photos and that, and so the people that smoke could have a smoke etc... but then Mr Smith this huuuuge Rugby playing RS teacher is seen coming towards them, so they all scattered and tried to get back into school at the back gate. Where our head of year Dr Thompson stood waiting for them. So they all got busted.

My mate Aron got in the most trouble cos he took the blame for everything, and Thompson wanted to just get rid of him there and then, but this well safe guy called Dr Birch came in and saved his ass. So it all turned out okay, but loads of my mates came this close to getting chucked out on the last day.

Apart from that the last day was mint, especially the evening cos I just went over to Rachel's and it was mint. Next exam is Spanish listening on Monday which will be ok for me, but then on Tuesday it's English Lit and fuckin' VIRGIL and those two are gonna be SOLID.

I'm so bored!!! But I just don't wanna do any work

i don't know if I can make it for the next shed game. I may be hum asleep.

Well Mike, are you closing this shed down at the end of the week or how about a sweep for the first NOOLer to post on a 100th page?

Welcome to the SHED James.Good LUCK for SUNDAY.We need you lot back in the PREMIERSHIP cos you are HARD!

Thanks, got an Under 7's tournament through the day then off to the local to watch the play offs.

Anyone else in here built a shed from scratch? Currently designing a pergola for the side, any tips?

i shall bid you all good night. with a bit of luck i may just wake up in eight hours time.

I'm Hungry!!!!

Do some revision, a good appetite suppressant

A lorry load of viagra has been stolen from warehouse in liverpool. the police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals......

Evening shedheads!

lovely weather here in Belgrade 30 c :D sunny

enjoying Maya's great hospitality.enjoyed a great Prebranac dinner this afternoon and we may miss the shed game when we go out in the city later tonight.

laters dudes

Johnny@Maya's

This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat. His wife says,"Where are you going?" He said, "I'm going to the doctor." And she said, "Are you sick?" "No" he said, "I'm going to get me some of them new Viagra pills." So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat. He said," Where are you going?" She said, "I'm going to the doctor too." He said, "Why?" She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm going to get me a tetanus shot."

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:

Compliment her. Respect her. Honor her. Cuddle her. Kiss her. Caress her. Love her. Stroke her. Tease her. Comfort her. Protect her. Hug her. Hold her. Spend money on her. Wine and dine her. Listen to her. Care for her. Stand by her. Support her. Go to the ends of the Earth for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:

Show up naked. Bring beer.

Hey Man What yer Doing ?

Hey Man what you doing Look at yer shed it's gone to ruin Take it back to where it came from Get a 6 by 10 one before they all go.

You had the biggest turnips Using miracle grow to make em bigger But they wouldn't grow the extra bit You lost first place, now yer feel like shit

You've gotta hold your head up high Get back to yer patch and try ( again ) You've gotta shift that mildew mould You've gotta use biological pest control

On posts you've said to me What is in the shed to see Is it a New Order related dvd Guessing whilst eating your tea

Hey now, Is that your Gazebo What's that thing , a garden Hoe? Get back , check your hydroponics Grow that dope, then roll a big spliff

You've gotta hold your head up high Get back to yer patch and try ( again ) You've gotta shift that mildew mould You've gotta use biological pest control

You've gotta hold your head up high Get back to yer patch and try ( again ) You've gotta shift that mildew mould You've gotta use biological pest control

Why don't you put that hose pipe down Before you flood that lovely ground.

Hey now man you doing (what you doing) Look at yer shed, it's gone to ruin

SHED wrote: Welcome to the SHED James.Good LUCK for SUNDAY.We need you lot back in the PREMIERSHIP cos you are HARD!

Thats ok Mick, dont say anything about the play-off final to me!

I've gotta work through it, sucks. Should get home in time for the end of the secind half, fingers crossed. Might just call in sick in the morning...

Come on Leeds!

Looks like another great dayn in the Shed... Congrats to Sug for his first Shed game win, great lyrics Mike... and Come On You Hornets for tomorrow... (sorry Sheddo/JT! )...

SHEDi xxx

WHAT A DIFFERENCE 30 YEARS MAKE

1970: Long hair 2000: Longing for hair

1970: The perfect high 2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1970: KEG 2000: EKG

1970: Acid rock 2000: Acid reflux

1970: Moving to California because it's cool 2000: Moving to California because it's warm

1970: Growing pot 2000: Growing pot belly

1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1970: Seeds and stems 2000: Roughage

1970: Popping pills, smoking joints 2000: Popping joints

1970: Killer weed 2000: Weed killer

1970: Hoping for a BMW 2000: Hoping for a BM

1970: The Grateful Dead 2000: Dr. Kevorkian

1970: Going to a new, hip joint 2000: Receiving a new hip joint

1970: Rolling Stones 2000: Kidney stones

1970: Being called into the principal's office 2000: Calling the principal's office

1970: Screw the system 2000: Update the system

1970: Disco 2000: Costco

1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut 2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1970: Taking acid 2000: Taking antacid

1970: Passing the drivers test 2000: Passing the vision test

1970: Whatever 2000: Depends

LETTER FROM HUMAN RESOURCES

TO: All Employees FROM: Human Resources SUBJECT: Foul Language DATE: February 28, 2000

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" phrases has been provided so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible. INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.

TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with... INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned. INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project. INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting. INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented. INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem? INSTEAD OF: Who the hell cares?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues. INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir? INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it? INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment. INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand. INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: I see. INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it. INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting!

TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem. INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a shit.

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter. INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

Thank You, Human Resources

Nice one(s), Chris...

SHEDi xxx

A kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what are politics?" His dad replies, " Put it this way; I am the breadwinner of the family so I am capatilism. Your mom is the owner of the money so she is government. The government is the provider for the people so you are the people. Your baby brother will be the future, and the nanny is the working class. Now think about that."

So he went to bed. He was woken by his brother. The baby had pooped in his daiper. He went to tell his parents, but he only found his mom asleep in the bed. He didn't want to wake her, so he went to the nanny. The door was locked. He checked through a hole and saw the dad in bed with the nanny. He went back to bed. The next morning, he went to his dad and said, "Dad i know what you mean now."

"You do? Tell me."

"OK, while capatilism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, while the people are watching the future being pooped on!!!"

The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemlpoyed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.

Effective January 1st, 2004 your penis will be taxed according to size. The brackets are as follows:

10"- 12" Luxury Tax..........$30.00 8"- 10" Pole Tax.............$25.00 5"- 8" Privilege Tax.........$15.00 4"- 5" Nuisance Tax..........$3.00

Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains. Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!

Sincerely, Pecker Checker IRS