A woman confessed to her husband on the honeymoon night ' i used to be a hooker ' husband said ' thats ok,its sexy actually,please tell me more '.
she replied ' well,my name was nigel and i played for st helens '
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i dont know eitherbanshee wrote: A woman confessed to her husband on the honeymoon night ' i used to be a hooker ' husband said ' thats ok,its sexy actually,please tell me more '. she replied ' well,my name was nigel and i played for st helens '
My mrs used to play for St Helens as well...
A bloke comes in from the pub with a sheep under his arm. He goes upstairs to the bedroom where his wife is getting ready for bed.
"Look", he says, "this is the pig I have to fuck when you don't fancy sex".
"That's not a pig" says his wife, "it's a sheep"
"I know" says the man, "I was talking to the sheep!"
What do you call a man who has even more pieces of meat on his head than that?
Mohamhed Amhed.
OK,OK,OK, last one, funniest joke i've ever heard. But you have to use your imagination and picture the scene.
Ready?
Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman get kidnapped by a bald headed witch. She takes them to the woods and tells them that she will only let them go if they can ask her to do something that she cannot do. Otherwise they go in t'couldron.
Englishman - "Fly round the woods in 10 seconds on yer broomstick". This she does. No problem. In the pot he gets.
Scotsman - "Fly round the woods in 5 seconds" Easy. In the pot goes the Scotsman.
Irishman - "Here's a tenner, go and get yer haircut!"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
Why do men snore when they lie on their backs?
(Honest answers will be considered but thrown back with vengeance.)
Simon is appearing on stars in their eyes Matthew Kelly notices he's in a wheelchair "what happened to you" asks Matthew "i was in a car crash with my uncle" Simon replies "he was killed and i lost both my legs , they managed to graft his legs onto me and i should walk again within 6 months"
"That's amazing Simon" Matthew gushes , "tell us Simon , who are you going to be tonight"
"tonight Matthew I'm going top be Simon And Half Uncle"
doctor-i'm sorry sir,im afraid your going to have to stop masturbating
patient-why?
doctor-cause i'm trying to examing you
Two buckets of sick are walking down the road. One says to the other "I was brought up round here".
:\ohwell:
Our Lewis's favourites.
What do you call a zombie who joins the firebrigade? A firefrighter.
What does a skeleton order at the bar? A lemonade and a mop.
He's only 5.
Alf wrote: Our Lewis's favourites.
What do you call a zombie who joins the firebrigade? A firefrighter.
What does a skeleton order at the bar? A lemonade and a mop.
He's only 5.
What's your excuse???
Missy Jem wrote:
Alf wrote: Our Lewis's favourites.
What do you call a zombie who joins the firebrigade? A firefrighter.
What does a skeleton order at the bar? A lemonade and a mop.
He's only 5.
What's your excuse???
that witty reply has had me laughing more than the jokes jem.
well apart from my joke of course!
Why are pirates called pirates?
'Cos they arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
(I'll get me packamack)
Just after getting the bullet/leaving by mutual consent (delete which applicable), I saw Sammy Lee coming out of Tescos at Horwich today.
Sammy spotted an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping.
Sammy went over to her and said "Can you manage love?"
To which she replied "Yes and a fookin lot better than you can"
An elderly couple go to the doctor as they are having 'marital problems'. They go together because the husband is rather hard of hearing and needs his dear, sweet wife to help him out.
After the initial examination, the doctor says, 'Mr Jones, to properly ascertain the problem, we'll need to take a semen sample, a urine sample and a stool sample.'
'Eh?' says Mr Jones
The doctor raises his voice, 'Mr Jones, to properly ascertain the problem, we'll need to take a semen sample, a urine sample and a stool sample.'
'Eh?' says Mr Jones.
Mrs. Jones then shouts into her husband's ear, 'The good doctor would like to have your underpants love.'
Missy Jem wrote: Why are pirates called pirates?
'Cos they arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
(I'll get me packamack)
what do you call a pirate peado?
arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr kelly
someone asked me to run a marathon and I said no chance. Then he told me it was for spastic and blind kids and I thought "Fuck it. I could win that!" :D
I sent my sinuses to Arizona I sent my Liver to Peru I sent my Lungs and My Kidney To the Summer in Sydney But I'm Sending My Heart to You.
