Thanks to a friend of mine who sent me this:
HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS)
§ I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
§ Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
§ Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
§ The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
§ The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
§ To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
§ When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
§ The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
§ A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
§ A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
§ Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
§ We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
§ When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.
§ The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
§ The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground
§ The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
§ If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
§ A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
§ A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
§ A will is a dead giveaway.
§ Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
§ A backward poet writes inverse.
§ In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
§ A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
§ If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
§ With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
§ Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
§ When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
§ The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
§ A grenade which fell onto a kitchen floor in France , resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
§ You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
§ Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
§ He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
§ A calendar's days are numbered.
§ A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
§ A boiled egg is hard to beat.
§ He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
§ A plateau is a high form of flattery.
§ Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
§ When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
§ If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .
§ When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
§ Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to dough basis.
§ Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
§ Acupuncture: a jab well done.
§ A doctor fell into the well and broke his collar bone. This should teach the doctor to tend the sick AND leave the well alone!
