Cloudcuckooland

No, not a new Cocteau Twins album, but instead more a reference to the state I've been in for the last ten days. We decided to take in some late-season sun in Greece, and chose Halkidiki as our destination, a two-hour transfer from Thessaloniki. Lovely part of the world, with agreeable climate, food and people. What could possibly go wrong?

I wasn't sure whether to entitle this piece "Greek tragedy" or "Greek farce", as both would be equally appropriate, but decided instead to refer to Aristophanes "The Birds" (414 BC), a play that begins in the sky. No Greek tragedy seemed quite appropriate enough, as close as we were to the plains of Thessaly, the only motherfucker around was the Olympic Holidays rep, so no Oedipus Rex, Tyrannosaurus Rex or even the Rex Halcyon Cove, more's the pity.

Things do go wrong with planes, that's almost a given. Especially with "budget" airlines, who buy up old planes and then flog them to within an inch of their lives. The problem is likely to be exacerbated as you get towards the end of the season, with the old Boeings in need of a richly-deserved maintenance. Taking that into consideration, you do expect airlines to have a Plan B ready as a standard. Any business worth its salt has a business continuity and contingency plan, indeed many investors will not invest in a company until they have demonstrated their risk management capability.

Someone tell that to XL.com, Excel Airways or whatever they call themselves. The clapped-out old Boeing 767-300 we were supposed to travel back in failed on the ground, once we had done all the safety drills etc. The proximity sensors on the leading wing edge were indicating an imbalance, or something similarly bollocks that meant the plane couldn't fly at correct altitude or speed, and wouldn't be able to get back to London. You'd think they would try to assess the problem and then alert the likelihood of needing to mobilise a replacement plane, with 300 passengers of all ages waiting to embark. Too obvious? Too sensible? Too costly? Who knows. We were turfed off the plane back to the departure lounge, and then told within the hour that the problem had been solved by the pilot, we were clear to depart. So we all trooped back onto the plane, only for the same fault to materialise immediately. This time when we were ferried away from the plane we were told that the nearest authorised technician to check the plane was in Athens, and that he would be flying up from there to check the fault, and that the delay would be slightly longer. At 11pm, some 5 hours after we were supposed to be flying, we were advised that the plane would be fixed overnight, and that we would be spending the night in a hotel. Cue fuck-up no.586, as there were 300 passengers with 5 different travel companies on this plane. Our rep had gone home at 5.00 when we had boarded, and was blissfully unaware of the problems - and hadn't done anything about sorting out coaches or accommodation for us........ over two hours later we finally pulled up at a hotel that was neither ready or overly willing to accommodate 100 unexpected one-night guests. It wouldn't have been so bad but for the fact that there were several pensioners and young children on board, all of whom were unprepared for having to spend extra time without suitcases etc either sat in the departure lounge or in a hotel.

We were told that at 8am the next morning there would be an announcement about the flight. There was. We would be flying at 11.45. The fault had been cleared up and everything was resolved. So we once more got on the plane, once more went through all the safety gubbins etc. Once more the proximity sensor picked up some fault. Game over. 300 speechless passengers, already tired and emotional, now resigned to further time on Greek soil.

This time the airline decided that it was appropriate to get a replacement plane, so one was summoned from Istanbul. This plane touched down 5 hours later, and prompty suffered brake failure to a degree so severe that it was immediately withdrawn from service. XL Airways it seems are a mickey-mouse outfit incapable of getting anything right, so a replacement replacement was ordered, which was a Tenerife/Manchester service that was currently full of passengers.......it had to return to Manchester, refuel and turn round to get to Thessaloniki. It arrived at 12.45am, and we were onboard and ready to go by 1.30am. You couldn't write a script like this!

32 hours after boarding the plane home, we finally took off, arriving back in Gatwick at 3.00am. Never again!