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curetapes@hotmail.com
~ The Blog, Chapter 10: I've got no spirit, I've lost all feeling. [Is life worth living anymore?] ~
~ Currently on--Album: Technique. Song: Guilty Partner.
Alright, I need to vent.
After all that life's shoved me through--from insults to jokes to jerks and bastards always telling me I was and still am ugly, from being blamed for everything to never being understood, 23 years of disaster from when I was nothing more than an actual accident that should have NEVER happened...
...I've had it with life. It no longer has any exact meaning for me.
Let me just face what I'm calling my 'self-mirror'.
Or, let me rant at me. Fasten your safety belts for this one.
Okay, why? Why the hell do I have to sit here and deal with being ugly and misunderstood and blamed for every fucking thing that goes wrong? Why is it always my fault? Why did I have to be born!?
WHY DID I HAVE TO BE FUCKING BORN!?
And why does everyone say that life is worth living? For them it probably is but, to me...
to me, life is no longer livable.
I mean, after all the shit I've been through growing up, between insults and can't-survive-math-for-shit, spending lunchtime alone and guys rejecting me because either I'm ugly or I'm not their type or they're taken or they don't give a fuck or all of the above, teachers who didn't give half a damn about the girl sitting in the corner who needed someone to talk to, friends who say they're my friends but then leave me aside to hang with their 'friends', and basically a worthless 23 years of being on this planet...
I have come to this conclusion: Life is no longer worth living.
I don't know how much longer I'm going to give life more chances. Eventually I'll end up sending myself to the grave. Maybe.
I don't know. I'm not sure anymore about anything. I just don't know anymore.
Maybe I should listen to 'In a Lonely Place' instead of 'Technique'?
So here I am, trying not to cry for the umpteenth time today, and for what? Chuffed to podge, let's face it. I'm ugly, I've never had any faith in myself, I'm unpopular, I'm so fucking strange no one could probably EVER underfuckin'stand me.
I...
I don't belong anywhere. I don't deserve to exist. I really don't.
No matter how happy I may seem, oh God, do I hate myself or what? I guess that's what 23 years of pain and tears does to you. Or me, in this case.
I mean, am I really a mistake? Am I just nothing more than a waste of time?
Am I?
...I'm sure I'll find out if I live to see tomorrow. After all, nothing ever changes. Tomorrow's sunrise will be the same as today, which was the same as yesterday. It'll never change.
Tomorrow I'll probably be at the same workplace in the same uniform and the same drive-thru headset. The day will always be the same--work, run errands, try to chill out here and with friends. But...
it's always gonna be the same, isn't it?
And considering the fact that I've lost all hope in myself, it just adds to the pain that I face day in and day out.
If I live to see the next sunrise, I'll tell you about it tomorrow night. Though don't be surprised if it ends up just like today.
~ 'sunshine' - got spirit, lost feeling.
Alright, I need to vent.
After all that life's shoved me through--from insults to jokes to jerks and bastards always telling me I was and still am ugly, from being blamed for everything to never being understood, 23 years of disaster from when I was nothing more than an actual accident that should have NEVER happened...
...I've had it with life. It no longer has any exact meaning for me.
Let me just face what I'm calling my 'self-mirror'.
Or, let me rant at me. Fasten your safety belts for this one.
Okay, why? Why the hell do I have to sit here and deal with being ugly and misunderstood and blamed for every fucking thing that goes wrong? Why is it always my fault? Why did I have to be born!?
WHY DID I HAVE TO BE FUCKING BORN!?
And why does everyone say that life is worth living? For them it probably is but, to me...
to me, life is no longer livable.
I mean, after all the shit I've been through growing up, between insults and can't-survive-math-for-shit, spending lunchtime alone and guys rejecting me because either I'm ugly or I'm not their type or they're taken or they don't give a fuck or all of the above, teachers who didn't give half a damn about the girl sitting in the corner who needed someone to talk to, friends who say they're my friends but then leave me aside to hang with their 'friends', and basically a worthless 23 years of being on this planet...
I have come to this conclusion: Life is no longer worth living.
I don't know how much longer I'm going to give life more chances. Eventually I'll end up sending myself to the grave. Maybe.
I don't know. I'm not sure anymore about anything. I just don't know anymore.
Maybe I should listen to 'In a Lonely Place' instead of 'Technique'?
So here I am, trying not to cry for the umpteenth time today, and for what? Chuffed to podge, let's face it. I'm ugly, I've never had any faith in myself, I'm unpopular, I'm so fucking strange no one could probably EVER underfuckin'stand me.
I...
I don't belong anywhere. I don't deserve to exist. I really don't.
No matter how happy I may seem, oh God, do I hate myself or what? I guess that's what 23 years of pain and tears does to you. Or me, in this case.
I mean, am I really a mistake? Am I just nothing more than a waste of time?
Am I?
...I'm sure I'll find out if I live to see tomorrow. After all, nothing ever changes. Tomorrow's sunrise will be the same as today, which was the same as yesterday. It'll never change.
Tomorrow I'll probably be at the same workplace in the same uniform and the same drive-thru headset. The day will always be the same--work, run errands, try to chill out here and with friends. But...
it's always gonna be the same, isn't it?
And considering the fact that I've lost all hope in myself, it just adds to the pain that I face day in and day out.
If I live to see the next sunrise, I'll tell you about it tomorrow night. Though don't be surprised if it ends up just like today.
~ 'sunshine' - got spirit, lost feeling.