~ The Blog, Chapter 11: 'No need for the sadness in your eyes.' [Reflections and Decision.] ~

~ ...if you can read this, call it a miracle. No, seriously.

After a madcap night spending much of it in the NOOL chat [thanks again to Burty and Ronno for hearing me out ]; and listening to 'Technique' more than enough times to admit I'm in love with the songs 'Love Less', 'Guilty Partner', 'Mr. Disco' and 'Vanishing Point'; I went back to my apartment after more than enough time and drama spent at a friend's house because, let's face it. I've got more than enough drama as is. Was I able to handle any further of this?

Before leaving for the night, however, I reposted this up on both my MySpace blog and Steve's Angels general 'The Asylum' thread. I wasn't sure if anyone would read it. And I wasn't sure if anyone was going to care, either. I actually thought it wasn't worth a chuffing ounce of anyone's time.

Boy, was I absofuckin'lutely WRONG!!!

[Keep that bit in mind--it comes up again later on.]

After I arrived at my apartment I lied down on the bed and stared at the ceiling. It took me half of eternity but, I thought up everything through and through. Thought about my life and what I went through. Thought about the pain I suffered and the losses and heartache. Thought about the people I loved, the people I loss. Thought about that short time [okay, around a year and a half, less than even] when I was actually engaged. *betcha didn't know that!* Thought about the day I actually let my ex-fiance go... just because of stupid stuff, when I gave that plenty thought. Thought about work and all the insanity that came with it. Thought about my entire life, how I thought I was a mistake [because hey, accidents happen, and I guess I was an accident...?], that I should've never came to pass. Thought about the divorce of my parents and why they married in the first place [they got married because Mom was pregnant with me--HONEST TO HEAVEN TRUTH]. I thought about everything.

And I cried my guts out until I felt like I couldn't do a damn thing anymore.

I then recalled one particular ex-boyfriend's parting words, which are posted up on my MySpace profile [if you've seen it enough times it should be very familiar to you] and will remain there permanently. The words echoed in my head, over and over, and it dawned on me--

no matter how tough or how crappy or how miserable life was, it was worth living. It is still worth living.

So what were those words that said ex [codename 'Sora'] told me?

'There is no need for the sadness in your eyes. Life is beautiful, and you are beautiful.'

I thought about those words, cried some more. And he's right, surprisingly.

Even now as I'm typing this there are tears in my eyes.

I am probably the biggest moron to forget all the good times I've had so far with my friends, both in town and all over the world. The times I've had more than enough laughs to make someone think that I overdosed on the laughing gas. Times when I'd go out with my friends and dance to 80's music from the time the club opened until the time it closed [and I'm talking 4 hours and 45 minutes of total dancing insanity! ]. Times I'd have the craziest day of fun with my coworkers. Times that I wish would last forever--and they do. Because they are always replayed in my mind, they are eternal.

Even more so, I thought about the pain it would've caused my friends and loved ones if... well, if I no longer saw this morning's sunrise, which brought some sort of glow into my heart. Whatever chill was there, melted when the first hint of a lighter shade of blue touched the horizon. I let a few tears fall--again--because, indeed, Coldplay got it right when they had a song title called 'Life Is For Living'. And it is.

But I also always kept in mind Sora's words. Because they are true.

Just now I saw the surprising result of last night's tearshed and blog. And I thought of everyone I knew and loved dearly.

So, before I get to my thoughts of my new lease on life, let me thank a few people, by name, for being there--

Burty and Ronno, I thanked you both earlier in this, and I'll thank you both again. Somehow the NOOL chat must be a party in its past life. Seriously though, I guess it was a good thing I had this slight rant. Because if I didn't, well... yeah. Then this would not have jumped out. And I wouldn't have actually given much more thought on this.

To my ex-fiance and, even more importantly, my best friend: I really can't thank you enough for hearing me out. Yeah, even when we've had a good spat or two. But for being my best friend and being there I'll always be grateful. Thank you.

Spyg, to hear a girl tell me I'm pretty is a cute albeit kinda funny surprise. But it's good for me to know I wasn't alone in this mess. Glad to hear you're still standing. And I'm glad I'm still standing too. Thank you lots for reminding me I'm not alone in my tears.

Cambo, not only am I glad to know I'm not alone in my tears [like Spyg] but I'm also glad about FAC9000. Still beside myself about the charm that I provided the name, but it's all good. And a big back at you! Thank you, and thank you again!

And I can't forget Tim--huge shock when I read that you commented on my blog!! But I'm glad that you did. [Like I said earlier I didn't think it was worth anyone's time!] Thank you LOTS for the kind words--and, surprisingly still, the Friend Request.

To them, and all of you who've read and heard me out and prayed for me and wondered if I'd ever the 'morning sun' [reference to 'True Faith'!], to all who believed that life was and is and still is worth living...

thank you. Because, after all, Sora's right--

there is no need for the sadness in my eyes. Life is beautiful, and I am beautiful.

I understand this now.

Even when life's joys are blurred with the tears of despair, life is still beautiful. Life is still worth living.

I also realize I still have a lot to do before I die. Like going to England, particularly Manchester and London. My biggest dream right there. [Second to meeting any of NO, of course. ] I still have Junior Management to tackle. I've got a party this Saturday to go to. I have a day off tomorrow. I have friends and loved ones that I hold too close to my heart to watch suffer. I...

I can't give up on life when I have so much to live for! So much to see and do, so much to love and admire and respect, so much to hang onto dear life for! SO MUCH MORE!!

Alright, tears gotta come out now. *is actually crying a bit while writing --er, typing this!* Anywho!

Today was actually a good day, and I don't get those often. I actually laughed so hard I had to pee! I even managed to find an old mix c.d. of New Order favorites from 'Substance 1987' and begged my Store Manager to listen to it--and she likes it! I have converted another soul to the Order! I fucking rock!!

...so, where do I finally, ultimately stand on life?

No matter how ugly life gets, life is still beautiful. It may not always be sunflowers and white jasmine [my fave flowers], but it's not always hurricanes and tornados either [no. pun. intended... YEAH RIGHT! ]. There's always that joyful little rainbow with my name on it. I'm 'naming it and claiming it' as my 'big brother', codename Ani, would best put it.

Did I ever bother to tell you lot that I love you all, even if I don't know too well/haven't met most of any of you? Well, I guess that's how my heart is, as much as it suffers. Love is too strong an emotion to keep to myself, I guess.

In the end, when all is said and done, life is worth living.

So yeah, with everything I've been through, I'll state this again, and proudly to--



There is no need for the sadness in my eyes. Life is beautiful, and I am beautiful.

~ 'sunshine' - got spirit, lost feeling.