Some light relief.....

A man rushes home, bursting through the front door of his house yelling to his wife, "Pack your bags baby, I just won the lottery! All £9,500,000....Woooohooo!!!!"

"That's great sweetie" she replies, "Do I pack for the beach or the mountains?"

"Who cares", he replies, " Just f**k off ".

A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car. She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?" Her husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm." She asks, "What about the smell?" He says, "Hold its nose."

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?" "There are three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily. "Gold of course", says the man proudly. The wife responds, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!".

Originally posted by KnownPleasures A man rushes home, bursting through the front door of his house yelling to his wife, "Pack your bags baby, I just won the lottery! All £9,500,000....Woooohooo!!!!" "That's great sweetie" she replies, "Do I pack for the beach or the mountains?" "Who cares", he replies, " Just f**k off ". ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car. She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?" Her husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm." She asks, "What about the smell?" He says,"Hold its nose." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made."Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?" "There are three colours", he replies,"Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily. "Gold of course", says the man proudly. The wife responds, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!". ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The second and third are pure genious.

I like the third one the best!

A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car. She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?" Her husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm." She asks, "What about the smell?" He says, "Hold its nose."

The punchline when I first heard this one was "if it dies, it dies". Kept me laughing for weeks

-I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'

-When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

-Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

-I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

-I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

-I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

-A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

-Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked!

From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

-My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

-Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

-I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."

-If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

-I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

-You know that look women get when they want sex? No? Me neither.

-Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.

-I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

-Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

-I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

corny jokes, some were hilarious nontheless