I've been trying my hand at free-lance writing, as you all may know already, and I wrote this a while back but didn't think to send it out anywhere. As of this afternoon, I've sent it to the former editor of the National Lampoon site (he and I have been in correspondence for some months now), and also sent it to the "Shouts and Murmurs" of the New Yorker. Tristan I know has already seen this, but I just thought I'd get everyone else's opinion...yes, I'm needy :D
So anyway, take a break from the stresses of life and remember...whatever else, you are not a ripe target for satire like the gentleman picked at here 
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Jerry Falwell’s School of Suicide Bombings Hello friends, it is truly a blessing to be able to share with you the great message of the Lord Jesus Christ and what you can do to help further his sacred cause to bring peace and joy to the world. Only by sacrificing yourselves to his almighty will can you be able to give up earthly concerns and take a few Arab heathens with you. It seems that every day, we learn of yet another heathen who has chosen to detonate a bomb in the presence of our troops in Iraq, or in the presence of Israelites in the Holy Land. These attacks have long been on my mind, and I cannot convey to you adequately enough the pain I have felt over many a sleepless night, contemplating just what can be done to make things well. Should we try and spread the word of the Lord to the godless pagans who so willingly give their lives in such cruel acts of terrorism? Should we give in to their demands for a separate nation of their own? Such thoughts tormented my brain one night not too long ago, and I struggled with the implications of just what we as Christians could do to end the violence in the Middle East and bring a resolution of the pain and suffering. Then the Lord spoke to me, reminding me of the Biblical truth of “an eye for an eye.” Joy and hallelujah, I knew right then and there that the Lord had led me to the obvious conclusion that we had to fight fire with fire! And so, friends, I implore you, nay I beg of you, give yourselves to the will of the Almighty and blow yourselves up for His glory. I realize this is asking so very, very much of you, but I believe it is God’s plan that we all die a horrific but self-inflicted death with tons of explosives wrapped to our persons, in the presence of our brown-skinned enemies! But I’m not just asking you to give yourselves for the Lord in such a spectacular and fiery way. Oh no, friends, I will offer you the means of instruction in how to blow yourself up for the Lord! My friends and brothers in Christ, on the campus of Liberty University, I offer you…Jerry Falwell’s School of Suicide Bombing!Step One: Getting Enrolled In order to do the Lord’s bidding by blowing yourself to smithereens, you can’t just have a nominal commitment to Christ and his teachings. Oh, you must have the deepest and abiding faith, as well more than a passing knowledge of explosives and their capabilities in the radius encircling a typical residential area in Palestinian territory. If the Lord is truly calling you to make your life a martyred sacrifice upon His cause, then simple send me an introductory e-mail at gods-bombmaker@liberty.edu. You will be required to state the reasons why the Lord has led you to make this sacrifice, your background in regards to ammunition and explosives, any sins you may wish to atone for that can only be purged by the cleansing embrace of two tons of plastic explosives, and how you wish to pay for your tuition. A familiarity with the horrific work that Hamas is conducting in the service of Satan is also essential (you must know your enemy to defeat him by emulating his methods). In thirty days or however long it takes for your check to clear, you will be notified of your admissions to the school.Step Two: Texts and Instructors Here at Liberty U, you will find the Suicide Bombings department on the North Lawn, just beyond the John Birch Memorial Library. Located in Billy Sunday Hall, the department is currently under the direct supervision of the Lord, with myself as his all-knowing interpreter. The instructors you will take classes from are all experts in their chosen field, who have left lucrative jobs in the defense and offense industries to help aid our crusade to purge the Holy Land of Arabs one Christ-based bomber at a time.Dr. Eugene “Stumpy” Olson, a munitions expert for Dupont, will teach you how to construct fast and simple explosives in “It’s Not the Size, It’s How Much Gunpowder You Pack In”. Dr. Olson has thirty years of experience with sneaking bombs into well-populated areas, and is even rumored to have a small nuclear stockpile he got off the black market after the fall of Russia in 1991. He’s a wonderful servant of the Lord, and his missing arm is further testament to his expertise in the field.Professor Oleg Unlanovsky, once a pagan Russian, has now embraced the Lord. Before then, he was senior director of the KGB’s “Armed Sabotage” unit here in the United States. Unlanovsky has spent years evading the FBI, the CIA, and his ex-wife Hilda, so he knows a thing or two about how to hide from the authorities if they suspect you of anything. He knows all the best Israeli hideouts for evading the Palestine authorities before the occasion of the Lord leading you to act out his will in one last grand gesture, and he can offer tips on local cuisine and nightlife as well.General Franklin T. Bloodcock, (Ret), has been a close and personal friend of the Falwell family for years, and he will give you the killing passion to take innocent lives for your own (and the Lord’s) satisfaction. General Bloodcock will instruct you in jujitsu, karate, and other martial-arts defense techniques, as well as fire you up with primal desires to kill the enemy at all costs. When the General is done with you, you will be the ultimate weapon for the Lord!The texts that we will provide you to lead you to better understanding of the Lord’s will are the Bible and Jane’s Guide to Field Explosives, as well as a cursory look at The Anarchist’s Cookbook.Step Three: The Academic Calendar The course in Suicide Bombing consists of two six-week semesters over the summer here at Liberty University, and are broken down into individual lesson plans as follows:First Six Weeks Us versus Them: Learning to Hate Your EnemyHistory: Why the Arabs Can’t Have the Holy LandTerrorism on Our Watch: The Tactics of HamasFighting Back: George W. Bush, America’s Greatest PresidentWhat You Can Do: Patriotic Sacrifice throughout Our HistorySecond Six WeeksPractical Lessons in ExplosivesLocation, Location, Location: Picking a Prime Target AreaGod’s Will and Plan: When to Blow Yourself UpEvading Detection: Pray to The Lord That the Police Don’t Find YouThe Rapture: Muslim Holidays Fit for FlambéingStep Four: Final Exams and Graduation Provided that it is God’s will for you to join the ranks of those fine men and women who have already given their lives for his cause, you will pass the final exam with flying colors. It will consist of an overview of the material covered, with a written exam and a practical “field trial” to tell whether you can construct a simple pipe bomb using the resources available at the Liberty University Bookstore. You will be graded on accuracy, potency of the charge, and (after a controlled explosion) how much your sacrifice pleases the Lord (I will be in direct communication with Him so as to provide you with the answer). Graduation will occur in early August, in the campus auditorium (The Billy Graham Memorial Basketball Court and Mission Center). You will receive a degree in bomb-making, an associate’s in Biblical genocidal studies, and a bachelor’s in mission work (for what better way is there to spread God’s love than with your insides all over a Jerusalem market?).From here, my friends, you will be provided with plenty of funds to make your way to the Holy Land or, if you so choose to help our fighting forces in Iraq, to Baghdad. You will be given a timetable of six months with which to plan a fiery and spectacular way to verify that you are an honors graduate from this course. Then, as the Lord wills it, you will seek out a good target area (somewhere with heavy Muslim traffic) and prepare to detonate your charges on the Lord’s command. But why wait for that! Seize the opportunity, should it arise, to blow yourself up at an earlier time if you can! The Lord will bless you with his provenance if you can take a few Arabs with you by November!And don’t forget, friends: once the Arabs and their filthy religion is gone, it’s time to turn our attention to those Christ-killers…who said we can’t have our own “jihad”?Sincerely,Jerry Falwell, PresidentLiberty UniversityCharlottesville, Virginia
