Perhaps I've been watching too much Mr. Show lately, but I thought I'd write this and send it out...somewhere. I haven't decided which humor website that frequently rejects my stuff yet :p , but I thought I'd let you guys read it, get some feedback.
...so, read it, I guess....if you've got the time...and you're bored...and those nudie picks of Alyssa Milano aren't downloading fast enough:
A WORLD WITHOUT TOWELS (PART OF THE "EDUCATING YOUNG AMERICANS" FILM SERIES), 1957 Trevor Seigler
[SCENE: Interior of a typical middle-class home, a nice one in the newly created suburbs perhaps. ARTIE is at sink, washing hands for dinner. A hand towel hangs next to sink. ARTIE turns off tap, begins to motion towards towel, then stops]
Artie: Aww, who needs towels anyway? I'll just wipe my hands dry on my shirt. [proceeds to do so]
[Sudden gush of wind alerts ARTIE, who remembers he has left the window up. Goes to close it when lights go out]
Disembodied Voice: So, you think no one needs towels, eh young Artie? [laughs heartily, like Ronald Reagan]
Artie [panic on face as light comes back up; eyes dart around room]: Who...who is that? What are you doing here?
Disembodied Voice [offstage]: I'm here to show you the world without towels that you seem to wish for, Artie. I hope you can take it.
Artie 😕: I never said anything about...
Disembodied Voice [laughing; cuts Artie off]: Off course you did, Artie. Why else would I be here...[great flash of smoke; fades to reveal RONALD REAGAN] and appear to you as your favorite actor, Ronald Reagan?
Artie: My favorite actor is Gary Cooper...
Reagan: No, no it isn't...anyway, Artie, I'm sure you'll agree that a "world without towels" is a world without hope. But enough of this talking [takes ARTIE'S hand; uncomfortable look on boy's face] let's see this world together through the magic of Cinescope!
[CUT To: Stock Footage of Globe rotating on wire, with images of people using towels going by. REAGAN and ARTIE appear in lefthand corner, still holding hands. ARTIE seems eager to be let go of]
Reagan: Artie, let's see how the life you lead would be very different...if you didn't have towels...
[CUT TO: Interior, ARTIE'S room. Changes are subtle, but in place of a Mickey Mantle poster on back wall there is now a portrait of Karl Marx and John F. Kennedy shaking hands. ARTIE notices change.]
Artie: Hey, where'd my Mickey Mantle poster go? That thing was my prize possesion!
Reagan [laughing; finally lets go of ARTIE, who rubs hand with pained expression]: You see, Artie, in a world without towels, America is at her weakest when confronting the double team of International Communism and Irish Catholicism. Why, without towels, your precious Mickey Mantle no longer plays baseball, a pure American sport. Instead, he is forced by the International Sporting Marxist Authority to compete in the deadly game of soccer, which breeds loyalty to the team and squashes individualism...
Artie [interrupting]: But baseball is a team sport...
Reagan [laughing; apparently this is a pattern]: Sure it is, Billy...
Artie: My name's Artie...
Reagan [oblivious]: You see, Billy, Communists don't value the individual. They have all these rules for controlling things like sports, airlines, and towel distributions. Why, Timmy, were you aware that in godless Russia, towels are a privilage for the few, and denied to the masses? Also, those pinko bastards plan to beat us to the Moon, but the towel shortage in Mother Russia might be enough to hold them back...
Artie [feigning interest; desperate to be rid of this crazy man]: Mr. Reagan, what can I do to avoid this...awful fate? [looks around nervously for signs of parents and/or law officials to sedate REAGAN]
Reagan: I'm glad you asked, Jimmy. By simply using your God-given right to dry your hands with a towel, one that our forefathers gave their lives for you to have, you've already struck a blow to the international Communist toiletrys conspiracy. What's more, you will protect yourself from germs and Marxist propeganda. Also, you can do your part by going to see my new film, "Hellcats of The Navy". Nothing would make Uncle Joe turn over in his grave like knowing that you spent your hard-earned grass-cutting money not on "Das Kapital" but on a slickly produced major motion picture starring your favorite movie star...
Artie: Can we leave now? I mean, can't you go now?
Reagan [one more laugh]: Sure thing, Sammy. Take my hand...
Artie: Do I have to?
Reagan:...and we'll return to a world with towels, a world free of the scourge of someone like Kennedy being elected to the White House, a world where Mickey Mantle can continue his career without the temptations of liquor or whores...
[CUT TO: Same footage of globe spinning; REAGAN and ARTIE once again holding hands as they travel back. CUT TO: Bedroom, this time restored to pre-travel conditions simply by replacing Marx-Kennedy poster with Mantle one]
Artie [anxious to be rid of REAGAN]: Mr. Reagan, I know now the importance of...uh, towels, and I guess I understand that if I don't dry my hands properly...
Reagan: The Commies win!
Artie: Yeah, I guess...anyway, thanks and...could you leave now?
Reagan [one last laugh for the road]: Sure thing, Chaim, and remember: Richard Nixon won't bring shame to the White House when he's elected in 1960.
Artie: Okay, anyway...bye?
Reagan: Adios, mi compadre [great puff of smoke; REAGAN walks through set wall]
Artie: Jeez, what an asshole...[picks up book of Che Guevara essays. FADE to black]
The End (An "Americans for a Better America" Student Film)
