CONFESSIONAL with His Holiness!

This is the thread where I will advise any and all true believers on spiritual matters and hear their confessions. My advice comes from higher up, so take it with a grain of salt.

Let me hear your troubles and sins.

It's been awhile since my last confession, mostly because I'm Protestant....

Parking around college campuses is always a pain in the ass; today I took my chances and didn't plug the meter, and got away with it. Should I try that again and get a ticket, is it okay to pay the damn fine in unrolled pennies?

I've never gone to confession, although I must confess that I like Martin Gore in vinyl shorts. And, Simon Gallup in spandex pants. I'm not going to be sent to hell, am I? Can I at least stay in some of the lower layers of Purgatory?

This blue-eyed boy that wants to be wrote: I'm not going to be sent to hell, am I?

No, even the goat-foot couldn't stand that.

[darkgreen]Green[/darkgreen] wrote: It's been awhile since my last confession, mostly because I'm Protestant....

Parking around college campuses is always a pain in the ass; today I took my chances and didn't plug the meter, and got away with it. Should I try that again and get a ticket, is it okay to pay the damn fine in unrolled pennies?

Trolling college campuses now? At least it isn't playgrounds.... I hope to hear a proper confessional of carnal sins by week's end (hopefully with some photographic evidence).

Oh yes, and I rarely use parking meters either. It's a form of rape in 12 countries and should be outlawed by the Geneva Conventions. It is your God-given right to pay parking fines with unrolled pennies and other small change. In fact, this is the reason that any change smaller than a quarter is still in circulation. Also, it is best if you have to pay the fine by cheque to fill it out to "University Parking Nazis" and watch the look on their face when they realize that they're going to endorse it anyway. Gives me a giggle every time.

This blue-eyed boy that wants to be wrote: I've never gone to confession, although I must confess that I like Martin Gore in vinyl shorts. And, Simon Gallup in spandex pants. I'm not going to be sent to hell, am I? Can I at least stay in some of the lower layers of Purgatory?

Gallup and Gore? Sounds like the 2000 presidential race has come back to haunt us. Four more years! :barf:

The Catholic Church has decreed that there's nothing wrong with looking at males in tight pants, unless they happen to be over the age of 12.

That said, your blatantly homoerotic attraction to these specific men is nothing to be ashamed of and won't get you sent anywhere. All humans (including myself) have bisexual tendencies; in fact, just being able to identify as either a man or a woman (especially in terms of deeming a person of one's own sex, including oneself, handsome/attractive) requires a bisexual identification. Both women and men think in stereotypically masculine and feminine ways constantly without realizing it. Gender is entirely a social construction--anyone who has watched a good trannie porno will tell you that! Biological sex does not determine who we are, and if you want to be attracted to men (I'll openly admit that I'm attracted to some men, even though I wouldn't act on it--but does that make me queer or not?) then have at it! Nothing wrong with that and anyone who says otherwise is probably a closet homophobe--and we all know what THAT really means.

Edit: Oh yes, I almost forgot to mention. Purgatory isn't all that it's cracked up to be. Neither is heaven or hell. Both are pretty miserable places when you really think about it. If you want to see Purgatory, just imagine being trapped in a Walmart for eternity. Hell is Walmart with the thermostat turned way up and some not-so-delicate cutting.

His (Late) Holiness, The Pope wrote:

This blue-eyed boy that wants to be wrote: I've never gone to confession, although I must confess that I like Martin Gore in vinyl shorts. And, Simon Gallup in spandex pants. I'm not going to be sent to hell, am I? Can I at least stay in some of the lower layers of Purgatory?

Gallup and Gore? Sounds like the 2000 presidential race has come back to haunt us. Four more years! :barf:

The Catholic Church has decreed that there's nothing wrong with looking at males in tight pants, unless they happen to be over the age of 12.

That said, your blatantly homoerotic attraction to these specific men is nothing to be ashamed of and won't get you sent anywhere. All humans (including myself) have bisexual tendencies; in fact, just being able to identify as either a man or a woman (especially in terms of deeming a person of one's own sex, including oneself, handsome/attractive) requires a bisexual identification. Both women and men think in stereotypically masculine and feminine ways constantly without realizing it. Gender is entirely a social construction--anyone who has watched a good trannie porno will tell you that! Biological sex does not determine who we are, and if you want to be attracted to men (I'll openly admit that I'm attracted to some men, even though I wouldn't act on it--but does that make me queer or not?) then have at it! Nothing wrong with that and anyone who says otherwise is probably a closet homophobe--and we all know what THAT really means.

Edit: Oh yes, I almost forgot to mention. Purgatory isn't all that it's cracked up to be. Neither is heaven or hell. Both are pretty miserable places when you really think about it. If you want to see Purgatory, just imagine being trapped in a Walmart for eternity. Hell is Walmart with the thermostat turned way up and some not-so-delicate cutting.

Yes, but if I stay in Purgatory long enough, I'll get to find Beatrice.

Oh, don't believe everything you read. Scholars say that Beatrice was actually quite unattractive and Dante had too much time on his hands. That said, Virgil once had a lavish funeral for a pet fly, estimated at well over $100,000.....true story.

Forgive me Father for I have sinned, it has been about 28 years since my last confession.

I once had a picture of Kevin Keegan on my bedroom wall and fear I may be gay.

Please advise

38 EE's wrote: Forgive me Father for I have sinned, it has been about 28 years since my last confession.

I once had a picture of Kevin Keegan on my bedroom wall and fear I may be gay.

Please advise

You fear you may be gay? Have you considered taking your vows and joining the ministry?

For penance, I think you should put up a picture of a real man on your wall, someone burly but lean, with big muscles and a gentle misting of sweat across his imposing brow. That should straighten you right out and prove to be a role model for rigid, upright manhood.

His (Late) Holiness, The Pope wrote:

38 EE's wrote: Forgive me Father for I have sinned, it has been about 28 years since my last confession.

I once had a picture of Kevin Keegan on my bedroom wall and fear I may be gay.

Please advise

You fear you may be gay? Have you considered taking your vows and joining the ministry?

For penance, I think you should put up a picture of a real man on your wall, someone burly but lean, with big muscles and a gentle misting of sweat across his imposing brow. That should straighten you right out and prove to be a role model for rigid, upright manhood.

A picture of BIGINOIL on EE's wall? Why not, loads of pictures of EE's on my wall.

E's are good , EE's are even better

38 EE's wrote: E's are good , EE's are even better

You didn't answer one of my queries in another thread, Mike. What's with the size 38EE? Is it arbitrary or does it belong to someone like a celebrity or the missus?

Dear Father,

I like The Bravery; what do I do now?

Tristan wrote: Dear Father,

I like The Bravery; what do I do now?

1. Pull out your copy of PCL.

2. Listen to 5-8-6 on repeat for several hours (stupid intro not included).

3. Realize that New Order did it much better 25 years earlier and that The Bravery just stole a catchy sequencer line and will be looked at as a one-hit wonder since the rest of their songs sound terribly boring and have awful singing.

4. Look at pics of the band and realize that they are a bunch of 80's-revival-riders with too much posturing and too little talent. The singer looks like a goth Mozz and sounds terrible when he sings on the band's other tracks. They all look like pathetic goth-synthpop wannabes. They will soon go the way of Orgy.

5. I see danger-danger-danger....

I like Barry Manilow

His (Late) Holiness, The Pope wrote:

38 EE's wrote: Forgive me Father for I have sinned, it has been about 28 years since my last confession.

I once had a picture of Kevin Keegan on my bedroom wall and fear I may be gay.

Please advise

You fear you may be gay? Have you considered taking your vows and joining the ministry?

For penance, I think you should put up a picture of a real man on your wall, someone burly but lean, with big muscles and a gentle misting of sweat across his imposing brow. That should straighten you right out and prove to be a role model for rigid, upright manhood.

So, basically, he should just but that picture of a naked David Hasselhoff with two pug dogs up on his wall?

The Haçienda must be (re)Built wrote: I like Barry Manilow

I'm afraid there's just no hope for you. EAT A BIBLE.

This blue-eyed boy that wants to be wrote:

His (Late) Holiness, The Pope wrote:

38 EE's wrote: Forgive me Father for I have sinned, it has been about 28 years since my last confession.

I once had a picture of Kevin Keegan on my bedroom wall and fear I may be gay.

Please advise

You fear you may be gay? Have you considered taking your vows and joining the ministry?

For penance, I think you should put up a picture of a real man on your wall, someone burly but lean, with big muscles and a gentle misting of sweat across his imposing brow. That should straighten you right out and prove to be a role model for rigid, upright manhood.

So, basically, he should just but that picture of a naked David Hasselhoff with two pug dogs up on his wall?

Uh...yes, I suppose that would do the trick.

Forgive me, David, I once stole my Mother's golden necklace, sold it and bought marijuana with that money. Does it make me a thief?

NObabe wrote: Forgive me, David, I once stole my Mother's golden necklace, sold it and bought marijuana with that money. Does it make me a thief?

That all depends upon the various economics of the matter. Did you get a good price on the necklace/maraijuana? That is, enough to make its monetary value equal to the amount of marijuana you bought? Some of the necklace's value was undoubtedly lost at some step in the process as various people tried to make a profit from your desperation.

Now then, that would mean that you are a thief on some level, since it was most probably not a one-for-one conversion from necklace into marijuana...but that's capitalism for you! Not exactly a bartering system when profit is involved.

Since you only stole it from your mother, that makes it less of an offence than if you'd stolen it from a stranger. Also, if you had shared the marijuana with your mother, that would be much less of a moral offence. However, I doubt that happened.

What was really lost was any sentimental value that your mother had that was tied to the necklace. If it was just another trinket that she'd bought herself to look stylish, then oh well.... But the loss of cherished memories that that memento represented is much worse than any sort of monetary loss incurred. Loss of happy memories is always a far greater tragedy than loss of an object in itself. You might argue that she can still have the memories without the object, but humans tend to invest objects with so much of their own lives. Any object can hold someone's happiness or sorrow within it, but we cannot know it from simply looking at it. Think of that the next time you see something laying on the ground...it could be something filled with one person's pure emotions, even though it looks like trash to you. But you can always cathect--er, invest--that object with your own emotions and make it belong to you--without stealing it!

Your penance is to find an object that does not belong to you, but one that you don't steal. That is, find some interesting object on the ground somewhere and take it home. Think about what you did with the necklace and compare how that action made you feel then with how it makes you feel now. If you're really sorry about it, invest that new random object with memories of how you feel about the necklace incident, but also with something happy. Then keep the object as a constant memento of your own.

Dear God, forgive me, I am guilty of joining message board forums without bringing any in depth technical knowledge or insider sources or tidbits to the poverbial table. Instead settling on accumulating several hundred posts of one sentence replies and half-baked quips later pointed out to be inaccurate by those in the know.

P.S.: I like 'True' by Spandau Ballet and utilize the satantic melody to lure otherwise pure vestal virgins to my sordid catacombs.

The Ostrich Hannett wrote: Dear God, forgive me, I am guilty of joining message board forums without bringing any in depth technical knowledge or insider sources or tidbits to the poverbial table. Instead settling on accumulating several hundred posts of one sentence replies and half-baked quips later pointed out to be inaccurate by those in the know.

P.S.: I like 'True' by Spandau Ballet and utilize the satantic melody to lure otherwise pure vestal virgins to my sordid catacombs.

We all had to begin from somewhere. Sure, some may scorn you for wasting time and not contributing, but I know MUCH MUCH MUCH more about NO/JD now than I did when I first joined this forum and started participating--even if my first two posts asked about the possibility of a U.S. tour and asked where Gillian went.

You don't have to be "in the know" to be much loved. Just look at...errrr...well...Tristan or Taboo or Blue Order or Maya or myself. In my eyes, you're probably one of the most enjoyable and promising new additions to the NOOL family. Whether or not you stick around a few years from now when it's VERY quiet between albums and we start talking about Cheese on Toast again will be the real test.

As for Spandau Ballet, using it to ply virginities is just fine as long as you don't actually listen to it on your own time. As with any potentially disreputable music, it must only be heard in small doses.

My first confession ever

I'm sorry to say, that I haven't slept with my girlfriend for 3 weeks

But I've been sick

Sorry, punish me

Rian wrote: My first confession ever

I'm sorry to say, that I haven't slept with my girlfriend for 3 weeks

But I've been sick

Sorry, punish me

Sickness is a pretty good excuse, except "not feeling well" is a pretty tired excuse that bored older men use. If your girlfriend is also sick from whatever you have, you have less of an excuse. The question is...who's feeling the pinch from this lack of sex more? Her or you?

My advice is....if she is the one really itching for sex, let her tie you up and do whatever she wants to you until she's fulfilled. Taking a passive role can be a lot of fun. If this doesn't work and you are just bored with sex with her, report back here and I'll have more advice.

His (Late) Holiness, The Pope wrote:

Rian wrote: My first confession ever

I'm sorry to say, that I haven't slept with my girlfriend for 3 weeks

But I've been sick

Sorry, punish me

Sickness is a pretty good excuse, except "not feeling well" is a pretty tired excuse that bored older men use. If your girlfriend is also sick from whatever you have, you have less of an excuse. The question is...who's feeling the pinch from this lack of sex more? Her or you?

My advice is....if she is the one really itching for sex, let her tie you up and do whatever she wants to you until she's fulfilled. Taking a passive role can be a lot of fun. If this doesn't work and you are just bored with sex with her, report back here and I'll have more advice.

Thanks for the advice. I'll try it tonight.

No ave Maria then? ;)

Nah, I'm not a Catholic. Just an internet-ordained minister in the Universal Life Church.

Errr....just because there's a new pope doesn't mean this thread has to die a harsh one!

Time for another confession: I own a pair of black leather pants and several Depeche Mode albums. How must I repent my sins?

This blue-eyed boy that wants to be wrote: Time for another confession: I own a pair of black leather pants and several Depeche Mode albums. How must I repent my sins?

That depends on:

a) which DM albums b) what you do in those black leather pants c) what you do in those black leather pants while listening to those DM albums

Specifics please...then I can advise.

a. All of the albums from Construction time again to Violator (excluding Catching up with and 101).

b. A friend brought me the leather pants. I wear them when we go out.

c. I don't pretend to be Martin Gore.

This blue-eyed boy that wants to be wrote: a. All of the albums from Construction time again to Violator (excluding Catching up with and 101).

b. A friend brought me the leather pants. I wear them when we go out.

c. I don't pretend to be Martin Gore.

In that case,

a) those are the good albums -- no harm there

b) never look gift pants in the crotch...unless they're assless chaps...in which case you may have cause for alarm.

c) damn straight.

No sins committed as long as you keep the DM intake to a moderate level, balancing your musical diet with plenty of Order. I've been known to indulge in the Depish every now and then, but thankfully my one-time addiction to it has been broken by "faith and devotion" to New Order.

I was walking in the park, hand in hand with my ex, when the hot blonde from my building passed by. We smiled and said hello. What (or who) should I do?

bLuE oRdEr wrote: I was walking in the park, hand in hand with my ex, when the hot blonde from my building passed by. We smiled and said hello. What (or who) should I do?

Since you're still doing the ex, you may not want to jeopardize that until you have the other one securely in the sack...which may be hard to do, especially if she is all that hot. Oh, and don't opt for a threesome...you'll lose both that way. Stick with what you've got, I'd suggest...though if the hot blonde thinks you are still dating your ex, she may or may not be more willing to flirt with you and become comfortable that way. Hard to say. All depends on the wily and elusive hot blonde.

I'm hiding at my office, because I don't want to go home and do all that gardering work. Should I tell Sara that I didn't worked, and be straight with her and tell her that I just sat here and shatted over Internet?

Rian wrote: I'm hiding at my office, because I don't want to go home and do all that gardering work. Should I tell Sara that I didn't worked, and be straight with her and tell her that I just sat here and shatted over Internet?

I think confessing your sins to me should be ample justification enough to miss out on your domestic duties. She'll understand. If not, send her to me.

Boston's "More Than A Feeling" is one of my all-time favorite songs.

Conduct wrote: Boston's "More Than A Feeling" is one of my all-time favorite songs.

Sorry. You're going to hell.

His (New Young) Holiness, The Pope wrote:

Conduct wrote: Boston's "More Than A Feeling" is one of my all-time favorite songs.

Sorry. You're going to hell.

And I'm taking Brad Delp with me!

i have nothing to confess, i am pure and virginal!

smiling downward wrote: i have nothing to confess, i am pure and virginal!

Liar. Don't make me post the transcription of our earlier conversation. You don't fool anyone.

ok i cant reply to that.......

get a room

I have to confess because I am pure and virginal.

This blue-eyed boy that wants to be wrote: I have to confess because I am pure and virginal.

You may be virginal but not pure! Wanking is a thin line to walk...but that takes penetration as the only way to lose one's virginity. Purity is in question from the homoerotic tendencies, given the dominant bigoted majority's viewpoint on homosex being so "deviant." Stupid vanilla fuckers.

I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body.

They have surgery for that now...

The Ostrich Hannett wrote: I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body.

Why are all of these problems about people's bisexual tendencies? GOSH!

His (New Young) Holiness, The Pope wrote:

The Ostrich Hannett wrote: I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body.

Why are all of these problems about people's bisexual tendencies? GOSH!

Perhaps it's because we all like New Order?

I was disappointed when it turned out Barney was straight. Cute kids though(more elusive than Mike Jackson's ubiquitous 'Blanket' and co. though)

I worked in a so called haunted office.

My boss was a wanker who thought he knew it all.

I recorded 40 mins of silence on minidisk, followed by my voice slowed down with reverse reverb on it sounding like a devil saying 'Get out'. I put it in the false roof space in his office and left it for him to hear. He came running out, white as a sheet but never mentioned it. After that he wouldn't work late.

I loved his reaction and wanted to keep doing things like this until he had a break down.

Am I a bad person and will I go to hell?

Dave Algeo wrote: I worked in a so called haunted office.

My boss was a wanker who thought he knew it all.

I recorded 40 mins of silence on minidisk, followed by my voice slowed down with reverse reverb on it sounding like a devil saying 'Get out'. I put it in the false roof space in his office and left it for him to hear. He came running out, white as a sheet but never mentioned it. After that he wouldn't work late.

I loved his reaction and wanted to keep doing things like this until he had a break down.

Am I a bad person and will I go to hell?

No, that's fucking hilarious! You're going to heaven for that one. God loves practical jokes, especially when played on wankers. Just look at what He did to Job.

I own the Culture Club's first album. Can I be redeemed?

This blue-eyed boy that wants to be wrote: I own the Culture Club's first album. Can I be redeemed?

Yes, but only because you aren't presumably once of those "hangers-on" who has all their albums, including the ones after they went very far south.