Tyson Versus Holyfield (2005): In a shocking deal struck with former opponent Evander Holyfield, Mike Tyson endeavors to make his return to the ring six months after he was knocked out against a low-ranked fighter in June. On Christmas Eve, Holyfield and Tyson meet in Vegas and experts predict that Tyson will easily defeat Holyfield in six rounds. They are stunned when he falters in the third round and Hoylfield gets a unanimous decision. Tyson hints at retirement, but most pundits feel he'll attempt a comeback.
Tyson Versus De La Hoya (2007): Now in his forties, Tyson announces that he wants De La Hoya in a title match, despite the fact that he hasn't been in a boxing ring for well over a year. De La Hoya agrees, and the two get into a verbal spat at the prefight press conference when Tyson threatens to "beat you [De La Hoya] so bad your ancestors will hurt!" Despite such literary wordplay, Tyson shocks the boxing community when he falls at De La Hoya's first punch. Tyson explains afterwords that he meant to lure De La Hoya into a false sense of security. Most analysts guess it has more to do with his alcoholism.
Tyson Versus Jackson (2009): Tyson, desperate for an opponent, decides to challenge "sissy boy" Michael Jackson to a heavyweight bout in New York's Madison Square Garden. Looking for a way to repair his public image after the latest accusations of child molestation, Jackson reluctantly agrees. Tyson is judged too slow for the former King of Pop, and proves easily flustered by Jackson's "moonwalk". The crowd is left speechless when one crotch-grab from Jackson somehow causes Tyson to falter and sink to the canvas. In the flush of victory, Jackson proceeds to attempt his own shot at the World Heavyweight title, but is killed in the ring by George Foreman's daughter.
Tyson Versus Cheney (2011): The former vice-president is supposedly no match for Tyson, who challenges Cheney to a bout in Zaire, Africa. Billed as "Rumble in The Jungle Part II", the match is a disappointment for fans of both, as Tyson cannot connect and Cheney cannot stop having massive heart attacks while swinging his punches. The refree calls a draw, and Tyson concedes that "the honky" was too much for him.
Tyson Versus Walters (2013): During an interview for "The View" meant to show his softer side, Tyson takes a bite out of Star Jones-Reynolds and kills Elizabeth Hasselback with a simple "kidding around" blow to the head. This infuriates Barbara Walters, the grand dame of American journalism, and she insists on righting the wrongs from "The Day 'The View' Died". In a full-blooded thirteen rounds, Walters turns Tyson into mincemeat and spends the last four rounds simply "teaching him a lesson", despite her advanced age of 102. Tyson, embarassed by his loss, finally decides to retire, while Walters goes on to clinch the Heavyweight title from Felix Trinidad.
Tyson Versus God (2036): On his deathbed, Tyson vows to "knock some sense" into God and "eat his children" rather than die peacefully. God, taking time off from punishing Michael Jackson, decides to take up the challenge, and the match is set for the Staples Center. Tyson, wheeled out in a stretcher, valiently does his best to duck the Almighty's blows, but subsides to God's roundhouse punch and dies at 12:39 PM Pacific Time, on May 28. The former champ vows from beyond the grave, however, to "crush and destroy" Jesus in the re-match
