It seemed like just an ordinary day in Hazzard County, and the Duke boys were on Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane’s bad side as usual. Now you can lead an old dog to water, but you can’t keep him from transporting Uncle Jesse’s home brew across county lines.
Yep, those Dukes sure were making a mess of things out there on the highway, so much so that they didn’t notice that there asteroid landing in the field outside the Boar’s Nest. Faster than you could get the General Lee over a creek bed and onto the other side, this big rock was all slammed into the ground and broken up.
Now, when a big old rock makes a crash landing in Hazzard County, you’d think the folks here would be as happy as apple pie to welcome whoever came in a-riding the thing. But this wasn’t just some newcomer; this here was an acid-soaked alien creature. Shoot, he was an ugly son-of-a-whatever-he-was, that’s for certain!
Now Bo and Luke’s cousin Daisy worked at the Boar’s Nest, and she was the first to notice the old rock just a-sittin’ where Deputy Enos’s patrol car once was. Enos was inside, of course, trying to court ole Daisy, and he certainly didn’t reckon on some sort of alien being landing in his backyard while he was doing this. “Now, Daisy, let me handle this. I am an officer of the law,” he cooed to her, “you don’t worry your pretty little head about this.”
“Enos, be careful! You don’t know what that thing could be,” Daisy implored her beau, but it was too little too late. Before you could say “golly!”, that alien had his claws on Enos and was ramming his mouth down the poor fellow’s throat. Actually, it was a little mouth stuck all inside his other mouth that did the trick. Enos was a goner, that’s for sure.
Meanwhile, on the farm, Uncle Jesse was enjoying a little too much of his latest batch when he heard the commotion from the Boar’s Nest (as well as poor Enos’s screams of terror). “I’ll be damned, he’s back,” Jesse said, suddenly sober, and hustled over to the shed where he kept his secret weapon…
Now, wouldn’t you know that during all this commotion, Bo and Luke didn’t have a clue! They was still on the run from Roscoe, and Roscoe didn’t know nothing about Enos or the alien that was now tearing through the Boar’s Nest, ripping all the patrons in two and dripping burning acid on their clothes and the like. And of course, wouldn’t you know that he was making eyes at sweet little Daisy, who was off in the corner grieving her lost Enos.
Cooter was wise to what was going on, though, and hurried on over from the repair shop to try and fix whatever might be broke. What turned up broke was his spine when old Cooter got there and took one look at this ugly alien (who was feasting on what was left of special guest star Roy Orbison) and said, “You and me have got some fighting to do, boy!” The words were barely out of his mouth before poor Cooter ended up on the wrong end of a pool cue this alien had the sense to fling at him. The last thing he saw was the creature all up on him, ready to lay its eggs in his chest.
It don’t take much to scare a normal man, but it takes a hell of a lot to scare a Duke. And neither Bo nor Luke had that much fear in them when all they had to deal with was Boss Hogg, or the Federal Bureau of Investigation, or even the tax-man. But they never had run into something like this. They were about due, I guess, to have their wits scattered by a malevolent force out of this world.
But before they could get there, Jefferson Davis Hogg decided it was ‘bout time he took his usual graft from the Boar’s Nest. Of course, he was so turned on by the notion of more money for his bank account that he didn’t notice all the hollerin’ and shoutin’ from that general direction. “This here county’s done gone insane,” he said to himself when he saw all the folks running for their lives from the Boar’s Nest.
J.D. Hogg may have run Hazzard County, but he sure ran more when he caught sight of the big black alien creature that was laying waste to his cash-cow. You’d think a bonafide Southern gentleman would try and help poor Daisy, who had some empty beer bottles and her trademark cut-off jeans to square off against some extraterrestrial who sure didn’t like Reese’s Pieces so much as tearing folks to pieces.
Boss Hogg may have run off with his tail between his legs, but Bo and Luke finally arrived and ended up running right into the Boar’s Nest, where that alien was playing darts with what I think was the poor bartender’s finger bones.
“Whoa there, stranger!” Bo cried out when they caught wind of the creature, “we don’t know what you’re doing here, but you sure as hell can’t stay if you’re gonna pull this crap!”
“Yeah, fella,” Luke seconded, “you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here. It’s closing time.”
And before you could say “rasslin’ match”, the Duke boys charged on the alien and tried one of their tried-and-true “double takedown” moves on this creature. But the crafty E.T. spit out some acid on the boys, and they both noticed that their flannel shirts were missing something. Namely, their arms.
“Bo, you ain’t got your left arm anymore!” Luke cried out. Bo took one look at his cousin, and then at the empty arm socket on his side, then said to Luke “You ain’t got your right arm either, you moron!” Then both Duke boys wondered what they could do.
“I know,” Bo said, looking around. “You get that bar stool, sneak up behind him, and I’ll distract him long enough so you can knock him out!” Luke just looked at his cousin, already losing a lot of blood, and simply replied, “And what the hell are we supposed to do when we got him out cold? You can’t just dump him in the creek like that imposter we killed who tried to marry Daisy.”
Before those Duke boys could work out their problem, Sheriff Coltrane emerged with his gun drawn, a-laughing and a-grinning. “You Duke boys are mine, all mine! Goody-goody….what in the hell?” Roscoe caught sight of that alien just as the alien caught sight of Roscoe, and before you could say “spitball!”, the old sheriff didn’t have his eyeballs any more, on account of the acid that got out from the alien’s mouth and onto his eye sockets. You ain’t ever heard a whine like the one Sheriff Coltrane let out, like a scalded dog.
Boss Hogg had been hiding out in his car this entire time, but when he saw Roscoe head in he thought for sure that the situation could be dealt with. The only thing dealt with was poor Roscoe, and Hogg was back in the Nest up ‘til the sheriff lost his ability to tell one Duke cousin from the other. “You done messed up my sheriff, you scum!”, Hogg bellowed, and decided to get Cletus deputized long enough to keep the law on his payroll.
‘Bout this time, Uncle Jesse finally rumbled up to the Boar’s Nest, which was awash in blood, acid, and beer, and took one look at the scene inside through the open doorway. He saw poor Daisy fending off the alien with her spiked heels, Sheriff Coltrane running around blind as a bat, Bo and Luke arguing over which one would drive the General Lee now, and Boss Hogg cowering outside waiting for Cletus to show up. “Amateurs,” he grumbled, and got out of the truck. He undid the tarp over the bed, where his secret weapon was a-waiting.
“Cletus, you dipstick, get on up here!” Boss Hogg bellowed into the C.B. “You ain’t fit to carry my coat, you yellow-bellied coward!” He noticed Uncle Jesse, and caught sight of what he had brought with him. “Oh my, Jesse, you think that’s necessary?”
“J.D., they’ve never been useful before, but I figure they’re the only hope we got left. Besides, they ain’t had much to do since Bo and Luke came back from the NASCAR circuit.”
Bo and Luke were well on their way to passing out when Jesse walked in with his solution to their problem. “Uncle Jesse, what gives?”, Luke asked. Their wise old uncle took one look at the boys he had brought in with him, and turned back to Bo and Luke.
“If anything scares this alien off, it’ll be these boys…”
Faster than you could say “doppelganger”, that alien was staring down at the most horrifying sight you could ever imagine. They looked like Bo and Luke, to be sure, but whereas Bo was blonde-headed and wore a yellow shirt, and Luke was dark-haired with a blue shirt, they were the reverse of these fellas. The dark-haired one wore the yellow shirt, and the blonde pretty-boy was in the blue one. If that alien could have a confused look on his face, it may have been visible at that moment.
“Hi there,” the two said almost at the same time. “We’re the other Dukes, Coy and Vance!”
Faster than you could say “clever plot twist”, that alien was just a-screamin’ and running back to his rock, trying to get it back in the air. Bo and Luke felt so bad for him, they lent him the keys to the General Lee. Daisy, who could finally get her legs stretched back to their ungodly length after having to crouch in the corner for so long, wondered “why did you let him take the car?”
“Daisy,” Bo said, “when you’ve just had a close encounter with those two, you need all the help you can get to get away.”
“Besides,” eyeless Roscoe said facing the wall (which he thought was Uncle Jesse), “them bastards killed the regular series. Who knows what they would have done to that poor fella.”
And so everything returned to normal in Hazzard County, everything except the fact that Cooter, Enos, and Cletus were still dead (Cletus died later that day of a massive heart attack, on account of his being a fat-ass), Roscoe was still blind, Coy and Vance took to harassing poor Daisy, who couldn’t put up the will anymore on account of poor Enos being alien-food, Uncle Jesse had to sell the farm, and Bo and Luke got joined at the hip so they could be the first tandem NASCAR drivers in history. Unfortunately, this is Hazzard County, and they got attached the wrong way round.
The alien was last seen driving the General Lee over some farmland in eastern Georgia, where it settled down to run acid moonshine and evade the law.
And as for me, the balladeer? I got diabetes and died. That’s all she wrote…
Just some good ole boys, never meanin’ no harm…..
