Joke
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Scouser? Why i oughta...
I'm from Bolton but that's probably worse.
Why did the Baker have brown fingers?
Cos he kneaded a pooh.
(Sorry)
Two muffins are in an oven. One says to the other, "Whew. It's hot in here," and the other gasps and says, "OH MY GOD! A TALKING MUFFIN!"
Two blokes walking down a street.See a dog on his back legs,stood up with his paws against a wall..having a piss!
"Look at that!That's amazing! Wonder how long he's been doing that?" "Ever since the wall fell on him."
Two blondes walking along a beach looking at the moon. the first one goes which is closer the moon or perth? The other answers silly you can you see perth from here.
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
"mummy mummy,will they be celebrating christmas in vietnam this year"?.
"i dont think so darling,but they will be hanging glitter this year".
an essex girl is driving on the M11 when her boyfriend phones her mobile. he says 'listen honey be careful driving on M11, because its just been on the radio that a car is driving wrong way !!!.
she replied ' its worse than just one car,there's fucking hundreds of them ' 
What's brown and sticky?
a Stick
Why do blondes become confused in the bog?
Not used to takin their own knickers down.
Why are all Irish jokes so bloody stupid?
So the English can get 'em.
:)
BTW the gary glitter joke's a blinder.
Why are women like hurricanes?
Because at first they are wet and wild but when they leave they take the house and the car with them.
You brought babies up, not me :)
What's the difference between a lorry load of jam and a lorry load of babies?
You can't unload jam with a pitchfork
EDIT (woulda been funnier if I'd not written "ham" not "jam " originally) DOH
Did you hear about the guy who got his sleeping pills mixed up with viagra?
He had to go home and have 40 wanks.
They've started selling viagra eye drops to spides in Belfast.
The do nothing for your sex life, but they make you look hard.
WHat's black and white and red all over? A nun with stabwounds
What's small, red and can't go round tiight corners? ....a baby with a javelin through it's head.
How do you get 45 BSP fans in a microwave? you can't but it's certainly worth working on.
What's pink and hard? Pig with a flickknife
Why do women wear make up and perfume? Cos's they're ugly and they smell.
And now a joke, that not only do I not find even slightly funny, but that I stopped someone telling on radio by the skin of my teeth (instead he told the one above) ..... This is not nice, I'm warning you. And it's really not funny.
actually, no I can't
I can't do it, it's fucking FOUL ( and this from the guy who posted the above)
Especially I can't tell it where females are around.
Disgusting:pAh well here goes my account here, or at very least anyone (especially the women) speaking to me ever again.
What's black and blue and hates sex?
A rape victim.
told you NOT funny.
Dya like fruit love? well suck my cock it's a peach.
Erm i suppose you must be a gentleman then. Bugger.
Here's another...
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
"Ah... so sorry, my mistake" says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"
Well I do TRY to be a gent, dying breeds always interest me :)
(and how come "bugger"? is it really true, do women only dig jerks? is being a gent the reason I get more mates than minge from the female of the species?)
But I dunno, I just don't think that gag is very funny, which is odd, cos I will gladly tell dead baby(inc cott death), starving child, kiddie fiddler, religious, and violent death gags without a blush.
in all my life that's the only gag i thought was too far ( or at least the only one of them I remember), can you imagine if i'd let the guy tell it on the radio?
Why? Are you a radio presenter or something?
That would be quite funny, i still remember when some kid rang a Saturday morning kids programme and called Matt Bianco twats!!
I love it when people slip in naughty words!
It was a college radio thing I did for a few months a long time ago. Good laugh so it was. I did something like 60 hours live and kept a clean mouth. Was sitting in on the very last show on the station and basically just yelled FUCK really loudly . Why not eh :)
We were not allowed to use the phones cos we didn't have the delay loop working. But we used them anyway and just prayed we didn't get screwed (my show was 4pm to 6pm)
So, what's up yer bum about gentlemen? I've come to the conclusion that women never find men they like attractive, because they'd have to dump em one day, and that's so hard to do if you actually like them, much better if it's just a big fat life support for a cock you're dating :)
Jodie Marsh jumps into a black cab."Take me to the Docklands".
"Fuck off,you've hardly got anything on.What you going to pay me with?"
Jodie lifts her skirt/belt."You'll have to take it out of that big boy"
"Have you got anything smaller?" 
And there's more...
Bloke goes into a doctor's surgery,predominantly full of women patients.Sits next to one.The lady next to him says,"Hello,it's a bit cold out" Not a great deal of control on the volume of his voice.. "YES IT IS! WHAT YOU IN FOR?" "Oh the usual back pains,what about you?" "THERE'S SUMMAT WRONG WITH ME COCK!!" Scared off,the woman moves to another seat.Someone else comes in... "THERE'S SUMMAT WRONG WITH ME COCK!" She gets up and leaves.Receptionist sees what's going on and tells the doctor.So he discretely comes out of his office and sits with the bloke. "It's Mr Hampton isn't it?" "YES,DOCTOR WILL YOU HAVE A LOOK AT ME COCK,THERE'S SUMMAT WRONG WITH ME COCK!" "Yes well,that's what I wanted to talk to you about.Can you be a bit more discreet,because you're upsetting some of the other patients" "BUT THERE'S SUMMAT WRONG WITH ME COCK!" "Yes I know,but..err.Listen,can you do me a favour? If anyone asks you what your ailment is,just tell them there's something wrong with your...err..ear." "BUT IT'S ME COCK!" "yes i know",the doctor whispers,"but just do it for me."
Half hour goes past,it's a shite surgery this.And a woman comes in and sits by him.
"Oooh it's chilly out"
"YES IT IS!!!" Awkward silence follows.
"What are you in for?"
"THERE'S SUMMAT WRONG WITH ME EAR!!"
"Ooh dear,what's wrong with it?"
"I CAN'T PISS THROUGH IT!!"
bout time we had some musician jokes on here.
What do you call a drummer with O'levels? A roadie
What's the difference between BSP's drummer and a pair of Dr Scholl's sandals..... One bucks up the feet and the other...
What's the difference between a cow and Robbie williams performing with a Big Band.
The cow has the horns at the front and the arsehole at the back.
How can you tell if the drum riser is level Ooze dribbles out both sides of the drummers mouth.
What's the main advantage of a drum machine over a drummer? You only have to punch the info into it once.
Why are lead guitarists like gardens It takes 2 good diggins a year to keep them in order
What do you call a lead guitarist/vocalist who's got an earth fault (think barney on taras) A problem What do you call a lead guitarist/vocalist who's got and earth fault and someone just knocked a pint into his amp Problem solved
How many sound engineers does it take to change a lightbulb 1 2 1 2 1 2
Why did the TB303 fail to catch on as a replacement for bassplayers? It couldn't smoke everyone's fags and dope, steal the band's entire aftershow booze cache and try to shag the singers girlfriend.
As a bassplayer, I would like to say that they above is a scandalous lie. The only time I;ve ever done that, it took the drummer to help me drink it all.
Actually i was only saying 'bugger' cos i thought you weren't going to tell us the joke.
I actually prefer gentlemen. I'm too old to be messing about with numpty's. So don't worry fella, gents are the future! As for women not finding men they like attractive, i would disagree, just don't be a doormat.
Well I feel like slightly less of an anachronism now :) Dunno tho about this business of whether women go for guys they actually like. I'd still say if they like chap lots, if he's not absolutely kneebucklingly gorgeous he gets filed under "friend, in emergency break glass for cocK". (leave me to this delusion, it's easier than having to believe it's JUST me thay can dry knickers faster than the death valley sun.)
What's the worst insult a kiddie fiddler can get?
Shaggin a 6 yrold and her sayin she's had better.
Steve Campbell wrote:
What's black and blue and hates sex?
A rape victim.
I've heard it before.
It's not that funny...not because of the content because of the format/delivery.
Offensive isn't by nature unfunny, but by the same token offensive isn't by nature funny either. Too many people follow the offensive = funny rule and they wind up sounding like jackasses.
Q: What do all women whose husbands beat them have in common? A: They just don't listen.
Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? A: Because it was dead.
Q. How do you stop a black kid from jumping up and down on the bed? A. Stick velcro on the ceiling.
Q. What's the difference between Jews HHHH The Pillsbury Doughboy and pizza? A. Pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.
All jokes from this thread
joseph e. tried to walk inside a club one night,he didnt go inside,because there was a sign which read "18 AND BELOW NOT ADMITTED !" so i asked him why didnt you enter? he said;"THEY WERE JUST 11 OF US, THE SIGN SAID YOU HAVE TO BE MORE THAN 18 !"AAargggggg!!
Calum Best is set to inherit £20 million.
All he has to do is take the empties back.
Ba-da-bump
I'm laughing, cos I'm from NI and consequently a sick bastard ( we can do terrorist atrocity gags before the gore cools). But others here, MAY just sove a spit up your arse and roast you for that.
Gary Glitter (the evil sick twat that he is) wants cremating and his ashes puttin in an etch-a-sketch.
...So at least the kids will still be able to play him
(badda-badda---badda-BING)
Steve Campbell wrote: I'm laughing, cos I'm from NI and consequently a sick bastard ( we can do terrorist atrocity gags before the gore cools). But others here, MAY just sove a spit up your arse and roast you for that.
Hey, but jokes about rape victims are ok?
Gulp. Sorry Besty fans i'll consider myself told 
I didn't actually know that was your joke, i just knew somebody had told it! I've plenty of sick jokes but i need to gauge the site first!
Missy Jem wrote: I didn't actually know that was your joke, i just knew somebody had told it! I've plenty of sick jokes but i need to gauge the site first!
Well, if it helps in such measuring, the rape victim gag is almost certainly the only joke I ever didn't think was funny on the grounds of it being offensive. I Mean FFS I creased at Barney's Ian Curtis routine :D
I see what you mean!
Anyhoo...
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
Two elephants walk off a cliff... Boom Boom
Hee hee shamown
So Madonna, The Pope, Dubya and this kid are on a plane and it's gonna crash (work your own setup out, I'm not a star trek script writer tachyon warpfield[1]) Seems it's a White Star line plane and has one less parachute than passenger. So Madonna says, "well I HAVE to get a chute, the world loves me, if I die there will be so much sorrow and gnashing of teeth not to mention the loss of music to the world". takes a chute and leaps. Bush wrinkles his brows and grunts and eventually says." well I'm the mostest smartest president of the bestest country and, well , shoot ifin Ah aint the the most important man on God's Earth, so I guess I'll be seeing ya'll round pinkos" grabs his chute and leaps. The Pope, looks down at the little boy and says "Son, I'm God's emmisary on Earth, his spokesman to mankind, I would be no kind of man let alone any kind of Pontiff, if I were to deny a young life the chance to flourish. You take the last chute son, and I'll pray to the Father the Son and The Holy Ghost that the plane will land soft, or that he takes me quickly."
The kid looks up at the kindly old gent and says: "don't worry about it your holiness that dense cunt bush jumped out with my schoolbag on his back"
Wah Wah Wah WAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAH
[1]that's a very subtle gag right there)
40 Gypsies die in bus crash,and arrive at heavens gates.. St Peter stops them"Whoa,whoa!! you can't come in here..I'm going to see the boss before you lot get in" Off he goes to tell God."Big G, there are 40 pikies trying to get into your kingdom Lord"God asks"well,have they gone?..."..Peter replies"The fuckin gates have"
