Cowboys Are My Weakness

Cowboys Are My Weakness

By LARRY DAVID

SOMEBODY had to write this, and it might as well be me. I haven't seen "Brokeback Mountain," nor do I have any intention of seeing it. In fact, cowboys would have to lasso me, drag me into the theater and tie me to the seat, and even then I would make every effort to close my eyes and cover my ears.

And I love gay people. Hey, I've got gay acquaintances. Good acquaintances, who know they can call me anytime if they had my phone number. I'm for gay marriage, gay divorce, gay this and gay that. I just don't want to watch two straight men, alone on the prairie, fall in love and kiss and hug and hold hands and whatnot. That's all.

Is that so terrible? Does that mean I'm homophobic? And if I am, well, then that's too bad. Because you can call me any name you want, but I'm still not going to that movie.

To my surprise, I have some straight friends who've not only seen the movie but liked it. "One of the best love stories ever," one gushed. Another went on, "Oh, my God, you completely forget that it's two men. You in particular will love it."

"Why me?"

"You just will, trust me."

But I don't trust him. If two cowboys, male icons who are 100 percent all-man, can succumb, what chance to do I have, half- to a quarter of a man, depending on whom I'm with at the time? I'm a very susceptible person, easily influenced, a natural-born follower with no sales-resistance. When I walk into a store, clerks wrestle one another trying to get to me first. My wife won't let me watch infomercials because of all the junk I've ordered that's now piled up in the garage. My medicine cabinet is filled with vitamins and bald cures.

So who's to say I won't become enamored with the whole gay business? Let's face it, there is some appeal there. I know I've always gotten along great with men. I never once paced in my room rehearsing what to say before asking a guy if he wanted to go to the movies. And I generally don't pay for men, which of course is their most appealing attribute.

And gay guys always seem like they're having a great time. At the Christmas party I went to, they were the only ones who sang. Boy that looked like fun. I would love to sing, but this weighty, self-conscious heterosexuality I'm saddled with won't permit it.

I just know if I saw that movie, the voice inside my head that delights in torturing me would have a field day. "You like those cowboys, don't you? They're kind of cute. Go ahead, admit it, they're cute. You can't fool me, gay man. Go ahead, stop fighting it. You're gay! You're gay!"

Not that there's anything wrong with it.

Larry David appears in the HBO series "Curb Your Enthusiasm."

Good article, Comrade.

o great. another thing to harrass us texas folk with. gay cowboys. i hate cowboys and i have to live near them. down here in texas, well i have never actually heard of gay cowboys personally but they gotta be out there. i hate texas just because of all the preconceptions that we are all hicks and rednecks and cowboys. but o well. i guess now we're gay too. i have no idea why this is even relevant but too bad

You know, I have seen Martin Gore dressed a few times in a cowboy hat and chaps in '80s Depeche Mode promo shots.

This blue-eyed boy that wants to be wrote: You know, I have seen Martin Gore dressed a few times in a cowboy hat and chaps in '80s Depeche Mode promo shots.

That reminds me of DM's promo video for "Personal Jesus" and also, the cover of New Order's "Regret".

I've always been amused by people who get upset over a movie like "Brokeback" (and it's supposed powers to turn you gay if you see it?), but have no problem with "Die Hard"-style action movies influencing a person to go on a killing spree or something like that. Give me a break, it's just a movie.

Though I am reminded of the South Park definition for an independent film: "gay cowboys sitting around a fire, eating pudding"

I think Prez Bush should weigh in on this. He's a cowboy, after all. And he's not totally opposed to gay people. Maybe...he's a gay cowboy? :p

taboo ya bastard, I was about to mention South park.

Regret (Love Theme from Brokeback Mountain) by New Order (Fire Island mix)

:p

His Holiness, The Pope wrote: Regret (Love Theme from Brokeback Mountain) by New Order (Fire Island mix)

:p

Speaking of that, though, my friend's younger sister, who doesn't have a clue who New Order is, looked at the cover for the Regret single and literally said, "Does this have something to do with that gay cowboy film, Brokeback whatever?" My friend and I just laughed.

You beat me to the punch with that article Blue, a good one indeed. Wonder what brought about Larry's weakness for men walking the streets in capes?

Did they make the film because it is a good story or did they make the film just shove up Christian America's ass? Takes a damn good interesting movie to drag my ass to the theatre. Not really into love stories unless its a porno with a 5 to 1 female to male ratio. Then again BrokenBack Mounting is not about love or gayness but adultery.

Last film I saw in the theatre was Star Wars when I took the kids. Or Team America because Sean Penn said it maight sway my vote.

And there was me thinking someone else had a thing for guys in red long johns (flap at the back optional)...

Ah well... my search goes on.

cowgirls are my weakness.

Your sweetness is my weakness

(Michelle Gayle)

NOOL's sole right-wing conservative sez: Bareback Mountin' looks really, really good, actually, but I'll wait for the DVD. However, Ang Lee owes me a personal apology for so badly fucking up Hulk. WTF? The Hulk grows 25 feet tall and in near total darkness wrestles Hulk poodles and then Nick Nolte, who has become a giant jellyfish? That sucked giant green gamma-irradiated cock. Give me gay cowboys any day.

My fave gay movie: My Beautiful Laundrette.

Really gay gay movies: Love! Valor! Compassion!, Jeremy.

The gayest of the gay: Bad Boys, Lethal Weapon 2, Van Helsing, Tresspass.

Barry Norman's shitting himself!!

(Gnu, you might not get that)

Missy Jem wrote:

Barry Norman's shitting himself!!

(Gnu, you might not get that)

The ones with Wossy aint made up t' darkest Bolton then?

:)

Bloody hell, you're picking on me! Barry Norman is the well known critic. Jonathon Ross is many things, if i'd put his name people might not have got it you northern irish potato munching suspender wearing ferret fiddling freak!

Damn, I forget another gay fave, Prick Up Your Ears. Excellent. Don't you miss the days when Daniel Day Lewis and Gary Oldman were gay?

Is Chasing Amy a gay movie? That's a good one.

Querelle was OK, if you like your men big and hairy.

I am steeped in gayness.

Missy Jem wrote: Bloody hell, you're picking on me! Barry Norman is the well known critic. Jonathon Ross is many things, if i'd put his name people might not have got it you northern irish potato munching suspender wearing ferret fiddling freak!

OK fair point. Ya Whippet keeping, pigeon feedin, millwoker ;)

Ronald Kirsch wrote: cowgirls are my weakness.

especially ones from Dallas called Deb ay Ron!!

La Cages La Folles (sp)--funny movie The Bird Cage--not so funny rip off of the above

Ronald Kirsch wrote: cowgirls are my weakness.

Do you have them over there??

The upcoming Superman Returns movie looks like it's going to be pretty gay.

I can't believe I forgot Mission Impossible 2, which had my gaydar unit in the shop for two weeks.

i just can't quit you, comrade.

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Ronald Kirsch wrote: cowgirls are my weakness.

Do you have them over there??

i believe they are called jillaroos.