Bill Hicks

The War on Drugs:

"George Bush says 'we are losing the war on drugs'. Well you know what that implies? There's a war going on, and people on drugs are winning it! Well what does that tell you about drugs? Some smart, creative motherfuckers on that side."

Television Commercials:

"Supreme Court says pornography is anything without artistic merit that causes sexual thoughts. No artistic merit, causes sexual thoughts. Hmmm . . . sounds like every commercial on TV doesn't it?"

The Kennedy Assassination:

"People come up to me: 'Bill, quit talking about Kennedy man . . . It was a long time ago . . .' And I'm like alright, then don't bring up Jesus to me. As long as we're talking about shelf life here."

Annoying Non-Smokers:

"The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That's pretty fucking cruel isn't it? Do you go up to cripples and dance too?"

Pornography:

"One of my big fears in life is that I'm going to die and my parents are going to have to clear out my apartment and find the porno wing I've been adding to for years. There'll be two funerals that day."

Christianity:

"A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. Do you think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to look at a fucking cross? It's kinda like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on."

The Gulf War:

"They said the Iraqis had the fourth largest army in the world. Well, the Hare Krishnas are the fifth largest and they've already got our airports."

Advertisers:

"By the way, if anyone here is in advertising or marketing, kill yourself. No, this is not a joke: kill yourself . . . I know what the marketing people are thinking now too: 'Oh. He's going for that anti-marketing dollar. That's a good market.' Oh man, I am not doing that, you fucking evil scumbags."

Waco:

"If the FBI's motivating factor for busting down the Koresh compound was child abuse, how come we never see Bradley tanks smashing into Catholic churches?"

The Pope:

"I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side."

The Military:

"Gays in the military . . . here's how I feel about it, alright? Anyone . . . DUMB enough . . . to want to be in the military, should be allowed in. End of fucking story. That should be the only requirement."

"While I was in England, I got to see footage of the Rodney King trial that I was never able to see over here, I think I figured out why the LA riots occurred. Did you guys see these cops testifying? Did these guys have balls or what? They carry their ball in a wheelbarrow. "'Cuse me 'cuse me, man with big balls coming through. Man with big balls is here to testify" "Please place your right testicle on the bible" BBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOMMMM. This guy, Officer Coon...Is life too fuckin' weird or what? Officer Coon actually looked into camera and says "Yeah, that Rodney King beating tape, it's all in how you look at it" The courtroom murmurs "JESUS WHAT BALLS"... "Really? how would you look at it Officer Coon?" "Well, if you play it backwards, you see us pick King up and helping him on his way" mmm...NOT GUILTY."

If there's been a true prophet on this planet....it is he.

Hicks: How many do you smoke man ?

Audience member : thirty a day ....

Hicks: Fuckin pussy , I'm on three fuckin lighters a day man , try harder ...

"non smokers die every day"

"How come i can't smoke but people get to |bring kids in public|......."well sir, smoking bothers some people" yeah?....well guess what"

Bill: Good evening! I'm very excited to be here tonight, and I'm very excited because I got some great news today. Iíve finally got my own TV show coming out as a replacement show this fall!

The audience applauds.

Bill: Don't worry, it's not a talk show.

The audience laughs.

Bill: Thank God! It's a half-hour weekly show that I will be hosting, entitled "Let's Hunt and Kill Billy Ray Cyrus".

Audience bursts into laughter and applause.

Bill: I think it's fairly self-explanatory. Each week we let the Hounds of Hell loose and chase the jar-head, no talent, cracker-idiot all over the globe till I finally catch that fruity little ponytail of his, pull him to his chippendaleís knees, put a shotgun in his mouth and "pow".

Audience continues to applaud and laugh.

Bill: Then weíll be back in '94 with "Let's Hunt and Kill Michael Bolton".

Audience laughs and applauds.

Bill: Yeah, so you can see that, with guests like this, our run will be fairly limitless.

Audience laughs.

Bill: And we're kicking the whole series off with our MC Hammer, Vanilla Ice, Markie Mark Christmas special ...

Audience laughs and applauds.

Bill: And I don't want to give any surprises away, but the first one we hunt and kill on that show is Markie Mark, because his pants keep falling around his ankles and he can't run away ... Bill mimes a hobbling Markie Mark.

The audience laughs.

Bill: Yeah, I get to cross-bow him right in the abs. Itís a beautiful thing. Bring the family. Tape it. It's definitely a show for the nineties ...

Audience applauds.

I used to keep a cassette of "revelations" in my gig bag. the plan was to use the "just a ride" speech now and then......but very often I found myself just putting the tape in the machine, and letting it run. I would literally, at any time be able to open a fader, and Bill would be TESTIFYING in perfect time to the beat, I could even randomly drop the beat, throw Bill in for a perfect one bar spot sample and return the beat.

Try it, it's really quite scary.

something like boom boom boom boom..."what a big fuckin lizzard lord" boom bom boom boom.

(disclaimer, it should be noted that other audio material we use is.....ivor the engine....the flumps....the mash sound track.....the list.....goes ./.../...../....on)

I've never really heard any of his stuff but heard a lot about him. Does he do dvds? I've seen a few CDs.

he mainly does daisies these days.... as in pushin them up. (after the quickest acting cancer I ever heard of hmmmmmmm)

There's a nice DVD going around with a good documentary and one of his shows (including "goat boy"....dear god Bill.....close to the edge man).

Download it.....the cunt's dead :D

Marc wrote: I've never really heard any of his stuff but heard a lot about him. Does he do dvds? I've seen a few CDs.

moulds and melts many a curious mind. If you've heard Denis Leary. of Cure for Cancer ,Lock N' Load, and most recently Merry Fking Christmas. -then you've probably also heard Hick's material. Leary's Cure for Cancer- although out before Hick's .. was even diagnosed was said to be influenced by Him(Hicks.) top quality.
was also widely reported that Denis Leary borrowed some of Hick's work.

JW wrote:

was also widely reported that Denis Leary borrowed some of Hick's work.

Hicks had a sketch about '...why kill Lennon? I'd drive you to Kenny Loggins' house. I know where Wham live' which Leary lifted.

Hicks was not amused.

right. with guitar riffs. remember Denis Leary on Keith Richards outliving Jim Fixx the health nut? that was supposed to be a direct steal too. plus, plus.

they're both ace. point blank, just glad the work got out. & Leary's Firefighter Foundation somehow dulls his stealin sins.

always remember hicks comparing american foreign policy to the movie "shane". whereas america was jack palance and third world nations were the sheep farmers. when the sheep farmer came into town he would bump into palance who would throw a gunn at the farmers feet and say "pick it up",gee mister i dont want any trouble "pick up the gun" aw shucks mister im only a farmer i "PICK IT UP". at this point the farmer would make a dive for the gun and palance would shoot the shit out of him. "well you all saw him,he had a gun".

genius.