I need to wash the taste of hooker spit and weed out of my mouth

Anyone been to Amsterdam before? I'm going soon for a weekend, just wondered how your experiences were there. Should be a great laugh.

My experience involved copious amounts of cannabis, although i hear that Holland is trying to shed a little of its liberalism and loads of coffee shops have now shut. Watch out for scammers, pickpokets etc, not sure if its worse than anywhere else but you become a bit more vunerable post refreshment.

Same rules apply to every other town you go to with the express intention of being utterly bad.

Don't get too off it too early - pace yourself (this is hard).

Know when you've had enough - you still need to find your way around and make yourself understood (this is really hard).

Be reasonable and polite to everyone you meet - the Dutch are famously nice, but can be right twats when upset. EDIT: that sounds like I am having a go at the Dutch, I'm really not. I've never had a problem with any of them, but have seen them deal with unruly punters who deserve it and it's not nice.)

Keep hold of your possessions - particularly if your activities involve taking your clothes on and off (in the swimming pool changing rooms for example). It's too easy for a wallet to fall out of a pocket as you drunkenly disrobe. This happened to someone I knew. He was back at the, err, baths within minutes and the staff there gave him his wallet back with all the cards and cash still in it. Sadly, his card had been used to the tune of thousands of pounds and he had no idea until he got home and his (now ex-) wife queried the bill.

Don't buy anything in the street. At all. Ask someone if you want something that they don't sell in the shops and bars. The guys touting in the streets WILL rip you off.

I got stoned about 2 hours before we had to get the flight home.And thus trying to find/catch a train to the airport and then find the flight desk /check in/find the terminal etc. became almost impossible for me.

And i'm still not sure if the stewardess was flirting with me or if i hallucinated that bit

And my mates convinced me that Katrina And The Waves sang 'Living On Fishcakes' not 'Walking On Sunshine'

I think it was good. I was told I enjoyed it, particularly the architecture which is something many don't tend to notice, for some reason unknown. Didn't see any tulips though.....few triffids - or where they windmills?

Johnny wrote: I got stoned about 2 hours before we had to get the flight home.And thus trying to find/catch a train to the airport and then find the flight desk /check in/find the terminal etc. became almost impossible for me.

And i'm still not sure if the stewardess was flirting with me or if i hallucinated that bit

And my mates convinced me that Katrina And The Waves sang 'Living On Fishcakes' not 'Walking On Sunshine'

Excellent! Being stoned and missing your flight is one of the unfortunate hazards of being in the 'Dam. The best illustration of this is the hilarious number of tannoy messages warning that it's the final call for passengers who obviously can't find where they are meant to be.

More warnings:

It costs 40 Euros if you lose your ticket (I know this from my own experience!)

You get two security searches at Schiphol. Never seen this anywhere else. You get one in departures as normal, then another at the gate where they seem a lot more determined.

I wouldn't be tempted to attempt to bring anything through there

Be sure to here;

http://www.melkweg.nl

Some English tramps there - apparently they sell their ticket home to buy an ounce then just stay and doss. Its nice to know that in a foreign land you can still be hassled for 10 cents for a cup of tea, guv by a man with no teeth who smells strongly of Special Brew urine!