Fulham - Charlotte Church: Proof that money can't buy you class. But could look more attractive if the Welsh bloke was given the elbow.
Birmingham - Pamela Anderson: Used to look good in the cups but now a declining force. Plus millions of people watched them get a good seeing to.
Wigan - Davina McCall: Poor attendances confirm they've been promoted above their ability.
Portsmouth - Girls Aloud: Only one real class act among the hastily assembled line-up. You shouldn't like them but admit it, you've sneaked the occasional admiring glance.
Sunderland - Kerry Katona: Once the people's favourite but now an embarrassment. Fun while it lasted - now disappear from where you came, please.
Spurs - Keira Knightley: Undeniably easy on the eye with an attractive English spine. And proof that two little ones up front needn't be a drawback.
Everton - Dannii Minogue: The poor relation to the more glamorous sibling. Can anyone remember when it was they were supposed to be any good?
Arsenal - Jordan: Were more likeable when they weren't packed out with expensive foreign implants.
Newcastle - Jodie Marsh: Impressive front two but embarrassing at the back. Had surgery but need a lot more work to compete at a higher level.
Aston Villa - Dido: Bland, boring and still trading off the one big hit they had years ago.
Liverpool - Sophie Ellis-Bextor: Individually all the components look great but stick them together and it just doesn't work.
Chelsea - Rachel Stevens: You'd rather just watch them than listen to all that painful whining.
Bolton - Clare Balding: You wouldn't. Not even if they were the last team on earth
Whatever!
