I was watching something on CNN last night about predators using MySpace to lure kids into child porn and...naturally, thought it would be a perfect topic for a humor piece. Yes, I am that 
Anyway, you have been warned...
THE NUMBER OF MYSPACE FRIENDS IN MY ACCOUNT REFLECTS MY SELF-WORTH Trevor Seigler
A month ago, my life was shit...
I just started my brand-new MySpace account, and I was hoping to make a big splash on the internet scene. In the small town where I live (Fort Needy, Ohio), I'm not exactly the most popular guy in my grade. Hell, you could say I'm popular in at least one way. Everyone seems to hate my guts.
But that was all going to change, I said to myself as I confirmed that I am fourteen years old, have brown eyes and blond hair, and would be open to "friends or more" on my listing of why I was there. Yes, now I, Chad Molyneaux, would be the most popular denizen of this online community of anonymous strangers reaching out across the world for that single...solitary...human connection. I would be king of the MySpace family, a benevolent king (except in the case of Gordon Nathans, the all-state quarterback who called me "Stains Molyneaux". I remember when we bathed together, Gordon...I remember it all, hint-hint).
But alas! My first week in residence did nothing more than register as a blip on the collective consciousness of the patrons of this fair website. I had all of one "friend", and he was the humble site's owner, thanking me for contributing to his worldwide campaign to make it easier for people to find one another. Well, if the only person I could "find" to correspond with was this douchebag, then I would be very lonely indeed.
Hark! Though that first week was uncomfortably silent on the friends front, it gave me time to re-think my approach. I had not put any pictures of myself online! For shame, how else would I be able to highlight the rosy red cheeks that Mother always said were my best feature? And so, with the assistance of a webcam that my uncle Fred used to send pictures of himself to his Ukranian mail-order bride (and subsequently passed on to me when she failed to respond to his emails), I was on my way!
My first headshot was a simple enough task to achieve, but what now? Surely some other poses could be taken, to give my potential friends in the cyber world a sense of who I am...and then it hit me. Why not show myself in various stages through my normal day?!
It was so simple: I got up and out of bed at 7:30 every morning (I like to sleep in my briefs because I tend to sweat a lot in my sleep, and have ruined many a fine pair of pajamas), showered, picked out only the tightest t-shirts and jeans (my mother refuses to buy anything more for my age because she doesn't believe her "special little boy" is becoming a man), and practice my stretching by bending my torso so that my lap is directly over my face (I used to joke that "I can see my poop from here!" until the one day I made the mistake of eating a burrito before endeavoring on this).
After a tough day at school, I'd come home and work out my muscles on the gym set in my room. Before pumping what little iron I have, though, I like to rub a little oil all over myself, to help keep my skin tone even and firm. That's what the girls at my school would like, if they would just speak to me. But someday they would...
So with my routine firmly in place, I began posting pics of myself arising, showering, etc, etc, and wouldn't you know? My "friends" list suddenly started to grow! Before you could say "cowabunga!", I had requests from all sorts of people to be added to my list. There was "Billy" from Cloverdale High, who started emailing me about my "great personality" soon after I managed to download a pic of myself eating ice cream without a shirt on (the picture did get messed up, though, because some of the ice cream fell on my chest, and I was trying to wipe it up when the picture snapped).
Then there was "Dr. Nightingale", who said he liked to treat "boys with extreme degrees of hotness!" I think he meant kids with fevers, which is weird because I was perfectly healthy when he said I had a case of it. He must not be a very good doctor.
"69Grizzly_Bear" was a schoolteacher, he said, until he got caught "dipping into the candy jar". I don't know, Tootsie Rolls *are* awfully hard to resist...I guess his school just wanted to promote healthy eating, is all.
And "SweetSexyBoyLover" is an amazing guy. Did you know that he's 101 years old? That means he probably remembers Reagan or something! And he's really pretty computer-savvy for a WWI vet; he's the guy that said I should spread my legs wide when I'm wearing boxers, because that shows off the SeanJohn label on the leg. I mean, I do need to let the world know that I wear only the coolest fashions, right?
So, long story short, my MySpace account has been a huge success, and I am so very much popular that it's getting to be a hassle on my activities. I have a busy month ahead: I promised "Grizzly" that I'd come by his house in Canton to look at his rare collection of "Steve Reeves films". I didn't know the guy that played Superman was also in some Hercules movies. And in August, I'm flying out to Houston to meet a guy who thinks I could be a model! Wow, won't the girls want me then!
Come to think of it, where *are* the girls? All my MySpace friends are old guys...oh well, no big deal. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to put this hot dog weiner between my butt cheeks and send it to my newest friend "KrazyKidRapist". He's out on parole for something, I think he said it was a traffic ticket. His hobbies include "rape", "sodomy", and "torture". And he loves Star Wars!
humorous piece, Tabs, but I have some reservations.
