tramp joke thing o/t

A tramp walks into a pub. 'Get out' says the barman, 'we don't serve tramps'. The tramp says ' I don't want a drink, I just want a cocktail stick'. The barman is confused but wants to get rid of the tramp so gives him a cocktail stick and tells him to get lost.

5 mins later, another tramp walks into the pub. 'Get out' says the barman, 'we don't serve tramps'. The tramp says ' I don't want a drink, I just want a cocktail stick'. The barman is more confused but just wants a quiet life so gives him a cocktail stick and tells him to get lost.

5 mins later, a third tramp walks into the pub. 'Get out' says the barman, 'we don't serve tramps, I've already told your mates to get lost'. The tramp says 'I don't want a drink, I just want a straw'. Now the barman is even more confused. 'What the hell do you want a straw for?' says the barman. 'Well' says the tramp, 'someone been sick outside and all the good bits have already gone'.

Ewwwww, mingin......

Mmmm ... All the chunky bits gone eh ?

Shug,

Giraffes, falling over a bit worse for wear? Sounds familiar...

...in a similar "man-walks-into-a-bar-with-unlikely-members-of-the-animal-kingdom" vein, there's this:

A fellow goes into a bar, followed by an Emu and a Donkey. The man asks what his companions want to drink, and the Emu replies: "Pint of Stella". The Donkey says: "Single-malt, aged Scotch, no ice and I'm not payin'". Fair enough, says the man, he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the EXACT amount of money needed for the drinks. The barman is impressed, but says nothing.

The next day the same thing happens, man goes to the same bar, gets the Stella for the Emu and the Donkey says "Single-malt, aged Scotch, no ice and I'm not payin'" again. And sure enough, the exact amount of change needed for the transaction miraculously appears from the guy's pocket. The barman, who thought yeaterday was a fluke, feels compelled to comment: "Mate, that's pretty impressive, you have managed to have the precise amount of money needed for the drinks - how do you do that?"

The man replies "Well, I found a lamp on a beach once, I polished it and a genie popped out. He, of course, granted me three wishes. I didn't ask for a million quid for fear that I'd fritter it away, so I asked that each time I reach in my pocket I pull out the amount of money needed for any purchase. Not bad, eh?" "Sure" says the barman "that will come in handy. What were your other 2 wishes?"

Looking ruefully back at his animal mates, the man replies "Well, I also asked for a bird with long legs and a tight ass"

CTB

Originally posted by ShugZV Here's on old one.Guy walks into a pub with his pet Giraffe, "a pint for me and 10 for the Giraffe" "ok" says the barman, this goes on all night, and just as they're leaving the Giraffe falls over (a bit worse for wear) The Barman says "are you gonna leave that lyin there?" man turns round as says "it's not a lion it's a Giraffe";)

A bloke is sitting in a bar one day, minding his own business.

All of a sudden, he hears a little voice - "Those are lovely trousers". He looks round, but doesn't see anyone. A few minutes later, he hears it again. "Oh, I do like your haircut". Again no-one. A few minutes more and there it once more. "That shirt really suits you". He looks around, and realises that the voice is coming from the bowl of peanuts next to him.

Thinking that he's obviously had one too many, he goes to the toilet and splashes some water over his face. On the way back to the bar, he stops at the cigarette machine, which suddenly yells at him "OI YOU TOTAL C***, DON'T YOU F***ING COME ANYWHERE NEAR ME OR I'LL KICK YOUR F***ING HEAD IN!!!".

Totally bemused, the blokes starts to leave. The barman, who has witnessed the whole thing stops him. "I think I better explain", he says. "The nuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is completely out of order".

a polar bear walks into a bar and says to the barman "a pint of stella and....................a packet of cheese and onion crisps please." the barman says "why the big pause?" and the bear says "i don't know they've always been like this."

I don't think The Martian needs to tell jokes to be funny.

He already is.

:D :D :D

I've never eaten a (pool) ball in my life! So it wasn't this monkey!

Originally posted by Grigori Rasputin, the mad mystic of Petrograd okay...let's give this one a try....Guy walks into a bar with a monkey (I don't know if it was cheeky or not), and orders a beer...it's the middle of the afternoon, and he's the only patron, so the barkeep asks him if he shoots pool...the barkeep racks em up...puts the cue ball down, when the monkey jumps on the table and eats the ball...the guy apologizes profusely, and tells the bartender that after the monkey passes the ball, he'll shine it up and bring it back.Guy comes back the next day,with the monkey...gives the bartender his ball back and orders a beer...bartender brings the beer back and notices that the monkey is sticking every peanut up to his ass before he eats it...bartender asks what the hell is wrong with your monkey, and the guy says...well...ever since he passed that ball, he sizes everything up before he eats it now...

Two lesbians in a bath: One says to the other, "Wheres the soap". The other one says "Yes, it does doesnt it".

please own up if u don`t get it...

Originally posted by Fac21 Two lesbians in a bath: One says to the other, "Wheres the soap". The other one says "Yes, it does doesnt it".please own up if u don`t get it...

Originally posted by Fac21 Two lesbians in a bath: One says to the other, "Wheres the soap". The other one says "Yes, it does doesnt it".please own up if u don`t get it...

i first heard that one when Dawn French told it to Alice at the end of the Vicar of Dibley... Being a young lad i asked my Dad what it meant. He was reluctant to tell me...

John is at work, sitting at his desk and doing some work, when suddenly he gets the worst stomach pains of his life; he keels over in agony, gasping for breath, waits for the pain to subside and promptly drives staright to the doctors. After a thorough examination, the Doctor tells him he's got a stomach infection, and he'll be fine after taking a treatment of suppositories (sp?). John looks a bit worried at this, so the DOctor offers to help him with the first one. Afterwards, John drives home and tells his wife what's happened, before siting down to relax. After a few hours, it's time for the next dosage. John tries to do it himself, but he can't quite get the thrust needed (they're big!)so his wife offers to help. Standing behind him, she braces an arm on one of john's shoulder, and shoves it up there. 'ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!' yells john! 'Did i push to hard?' asks his wife. 'No', replies John 'I just realised when the doctor did it he had both hands on my shoulders!'

Originally posted by Grigori Rasputin, the mad mystic of Petrograd Well...I must be thick...I just don't get this one!!!

That's two of us, Jeff. But I don't think it's our fault. I never got Benny Hill either.

Someone explain this please!! Does it have something to do with the homynyms where and wear?

Originally posted by Fac21 Two lesbians in a bath: One says to the other, "Wears the soap". The other one says "Yes, it does doesnt it".please own up if u don`t get it...

In case anyone is still struggling with this, I edited for your appreciation.

Oh I must own up like it says. I got a friend to explain it to me.