ace joke

A black man dies and is about to enter heaven. Suddenly St Peter appears and goes 'You cannot enter here dude cause you're too black. I mean, just take a look at us angels here, we're white as snow, how would you fit in? So the black guys goes 'whatever' and tries hell instead. The devil from hell says: Where do you think you're going? The black guy says: To hell, where else? Apparently I can't go to heaven cause I'm too black. The devil says: F**k me, you are. Sorry, can't let you in. The black guy says: But where do I go then? The devil goes: Dunno. Try Chelsea or Arsenal!

Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty scousers showed up. Never having seen anyone from Liverpool at heaven's door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God. After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous from the group. A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone." "What? All of the Scousers are gone?" asked God. "No" replied Saint Peter "The Pearly Gates!"

What do you have when 100 Mancs are buried up to their neck in sand?

Not enough sand.

Bill Gates arrives and St. Pete says "hmmmmm, on the one hand you helped billions to communicate and gave much of your money to charity, but on the other hand you DID create Internet exploder and Mr Clippy, so i tell you what, I'll show you the options and you decide, Hell first I think...." so VOOOOOM down goes the cosmic elevator. They arrive and the doors open revealing naked babes frolicking on a sundrenched beach. VOOOOM, the lift shoots up again and arrives in a heavenly garden where a bunch of serious looking chicks with wings are listening to an opera on why it hurts to steal.

"Sod it", says Gates "I'll take hell".

VOOOOOM once more and he's pitched out of the lift into a sulphurous volcanic landscapes where demons instantly begin tearing at his flesh. "WTF" he shreiks...."where's the babes, the beach????" A booming voice, that can only be the boss rolls like thunder across Hell..."that? Od that was just the demo"

There's another version where given the choice of cheif admin on Heaven's (all free software) system, or a tiny room with windows98 on a pc with a web connection, Bill chooses the latter only to find Satan has removed 3 keys from the PC..... Control Alt Del

King John Honest John wrote: What do you have when 100 Mancs are buried up to their neck in sand?

Not enough sand.

I could easily pick out 200 for you to bury if ya like

Got sent this today..apparently a true story

This scene took place on a British Airways flight between Johannesburg, South Africa & London.

A white woman, about 50 years old, was seated next to a black man.

Very disturbed by this, she called the air hostess.

"You obviously do not see it then?" she asked. "You placed me next to a black man.

I did not agree to sit next to someone from such a repugnant group. Give me an alternative seat."

"Be calm please," the hostess replied.

"Almost all the places on this flight are taken. I will go to see if another place is available."

The hostess went away & then came back a few minutes later.

"Madam,just as I thought, there are no other available seats in Economy Class.

I spoke to the captain & he informed me that there is also no seat in Business Class. All the same, we still have one place in First Class."

Before the woman could say anything, the hostess continued.

"It is not usual for our company to permit someone from Economy Class to sit in First Class. However, given the circumstances, the captain feels that it would be scandalous to make someone sit next to someone so disgusting."

She turned to the black guy, & said, "Therefore,Sir, if you would like to, please collect your hand luggage, a seat awaits you in First Class."

At that moment, the other passengers, who'd been shocked by what they had just witnessed, stood up & applauded.

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

                  One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she 

showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

Minx wrote: Got sent this today..apparently a true story

This scene took place on a British Airways flight between Johannesburg, South Africa & London.

A white woman, about 50 years old, was seated next to a black man.

Very disturbed by this, she called the air hostess.

"You obviously do not see it then?" she asked. "You placed me next to a black man.

I did not agree to sit next to someone from such a repugnant group. Give me an alternative seat."

"Be calm please," the hostess replied.

"Almost all the places on this flight are taken. I will go to see if another place is available."

The hostess went away & then came back a few minutes later.

"Madam,just as I thought, there are no other available seats in Economy Class.

I spoke to the captain & he informed me that there is also no seat in Business Class. All the same, we still have one place in First Class."

Before the woman could say anything, the hostess continued.

"It is not usual for our company to permit someone from Economy Class to sit in First Class. However, given the circumstances, the captain feels that it would be scandalous to make someone sit next to someone so disgusting."

She turned to the black guy, & said, "Therefore,Sir, if you would like to, please collect your hand luggage, a seat awaits you in First Class."

At that moment, the other passengers, who'd been shocked by what they had just witnessed, stood up & applauded.

Minx wrote: Got sent this today..apparently a true story

This scene took place on a British Airways flight between Johannesburg, South Africa & London.

Er, I could be wrong, but I don't think so....

Qantas Airways flight to Singapore takes off and heads out over the Indian ocean and the First Officer clicks on the intercom, welcomes the passengers on board, explains the route they're going to take, cruising altitude etc etc. When he's all done with the formalities he leans back in the seat, yawns and turns to the Captain and says "You know what I could use mate? A strong cup of coffee and then a nice long and slow blowjob!' Unbeknown to him, he hadn't switched off the intercom at the end of the flight announcement so all the grannies and grandpas and kiddiewinkies back in the main cabin got to hear the 'extras' so there was a mixture of gasps and guffaws from all over. The chief trolley dolly was in the galley when all of this was going on and drops everything when she hears the postscript. She charges up the aisle towards the cockpit as fast as her high heels would take her, a hushed silence from the passengers as she passes...

All of a sudden somebody cries out: "Oh Miss....don't forget the coffee!"

Arf!

Minx wrote: Got sent this today..apparently a true story

This scene took place on a British Airways flight between Johannesburg, South Africa & London.

A white woman, about 50 years old, was seated next to a black man.

Very disturbed by this, she called the air hostess.

"You obviously do not see it then?" she asked. "You placed me next to a black man.

I did not agree to sit next to someone from such a repugnant group. Give me an alternative seat."

"Be calm please," the hostess replied.

"Almost all the places on this flight are taken. I will go to see if another place is available."

The hostess went away & then came back a few minutes later.

"Madam,just as I thought, there are no other available seats in Economy Class.

I spoke to the captain & he informed me that there is also no seat in Business Class. All the same, we still have one place in First Class."

Before the woman could say anything, the hostess continued.

"It is not usual for our company to permit someone from Economy Class to sit in First Class. However, given the circumstances, the captain feels that it would be scandalous to make someone sit next to someone so disgusting."

She turned to the black guy, & said, "Therefore,Sir, if you would like to, please collect your hand luggage, a seat awaits you in First Class."

At that moment, the other passengers, who'd been shocked by what they had just witnessed, stood up & applauded.

I got sent that a couple of years ago. Don't know if it's true or just an urban myth. Very good story though.

So far, I think I like your scouser joke best. :)

Kid comes home from school,crying his eyes out. His dad asks,"What's up with you?" "All the kids have been picking on me,calling me BIG HEAD"

The dad replies,"You take no notice of them.Kids can be really spiteful,you need to rise above it and ignore them.

Now go to shops and get a bag of King Edward potatoes"

"Dad what am I going to carry them in?"

"In yer fucking cap!"

On his 16th birthday, this boy runs up to his dad and says, "DAD,DAD, Can I get a car for my birthday??? I've gotta license, please!!please!!please!!"

The father's reply, "Well, does yer dick touch yer asshole?"

The boy with a confused face, runs off to the bathroom to find out. After a few minutes he returns with a face all forlorn.

The father asks, "well does it?"

the boy just shakes his head.

On his 17th birthday the boy runs up to his dad and says, "DAD,DAD, Can I get a car for my birthday???please!!please!!please!!"

The father's reply, "Well, does yer dick touch yer asshole?"

The boy runs to the bathroom, once again, and returns, once again all forlourn, nodding his head in shame.

On his 18th birthday the boy runs up to his dad and says, "DAD,DAD, Can I get a car for my birthday???please!!please!!please!! MY DICK TOUCHES MY ASSHOLE!! MY DICK TOUCHES MY ASSHOLE!!!"

The father's reply, "So go fuck yerself!"

I've got Good news and Bad news.... the Good news is that they found Liberaces' wallet...the Bad news is that it had yer picture in it..