Joke

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his list and says, "Ah sorry, you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is admitted.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and, as is the wont for engineers, starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks, "So how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flushing toilets and working escalators, and there's no telling what an engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. We get all the Engineers; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. We all like him, and he doesn't want to leave. I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue you."

Satan laughs "Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

A Scotsman goes to Heaven.Gets to the Pearly Gates,and St Peter takes one look at him and says...

FOOK OFF! We're not making PORRIDGE for ONE!

Due to recent furore over the naming of a teddy bear in the Sudan, Sooty has decided to cancel the tour of Jamaica.

Old Blue wrote: Due to recent furore over the naming of a teddy bear in the Sudan, Sooty has decided to cancel the tour of Jamaica.

scientists have combined the dna of michael jackson and arnold shcwazaneger (dunno) and created a clone. hes called michael wasanigger.

Why do women love Jesus?

'cos he's hung like this:

They've apparently found foot and mouth on a scotish farm.

No sign of the rest of Colin McRae though.

MONTY wrote: A Scotsman goes to Heaven.Gets to the Pearly Gates,and St Peter takes one look at him and says...

FOOK OFF! We're not making PORRIDGE for ONE!

An' the Scotsman turns roon an' says "Och, it'd be shit here anyhow, nae drink, drugs, whores or Sasanachs tay slag!

A Minister is walking along the street one day when he sees a wee boy playing with a pile of shite: "In the name of Christ son what are you doing?"
"I'm sorry sir I'm making a Protestant" says the wee boy. "A Protestant" splutters the minister.

"Well I've no got enough shite to make a Catholic!"

Haw Haw That's the English and Catholics I've managed to offend so far...

It's St Peters day off and Jesus is standing in for him when Hitler turns up at the Pearly Gates "Can I come in?" he says

"Awe man I don't know about that your Adolf Hitler!"

"If you let me in I'll give you an Iron Cross" says Adolf.

"Hang on I'll need to go and ask my Da says Jesus... ...Yo Da Hitler's at the front door and he says he'll give me an Iron Cross if I let him in. What will I do?"

"An Iron Cross yeah cunt" says God "You couldn't even carry a wooden one!"

Ah! The auld ones are the best.

excellent smithers

excellent....

excellent smithers

excellent....

BIGINOIL wrote: An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his list and says, "Ah sorry, you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is admitted.

Satan laughs "Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

!LOL.

Driving. Get into a Car accident this morning.

So there w' are alongside the road and the Driver gets out of the Car.. and you know how you just- get- soOo- stressed and LIG. Life- in- General seems to just plain get Funny.

So well, yeah, could NOT believe it.. he was a !DWARF.

He storms over to my Car. Looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So. I look down at him and say, 'Well. Then, which one are you.'
and that's when the Fight started .

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

MIMX wrote:

Haw Haw That's the English and Catholics I've managed to offend so far...

How do you stop a hun from drowning....

...take yer foot off his head

Gazman wrote:

MIMX wrote:

Haw Haw That's the English and Catholics I've managed to offend so far...

How do you stop a hun from drowning....

...take yer foot off his head

What's the difference between an apple and an orange?

Who the fuck's ever heard of a dirty apple bastard.

Dr, Can you get preggers from bum sex?

Well, where do YOU think Catholics come from.

What's the world's fastest sport...F1? IndayCar? Rallying? No,.....pass the parcel in a Belfast pub.

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, 'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'

The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'

The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.'

The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'

The young rooster laughs 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squalking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 'Dammit.....third gay rooster I bought this month.'

Moral of this story?...

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!

THINK ON!!!

Missy Jem wrote:

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 'Dammit.....third gay rooster I bought this month.'

Moral of this story?...

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS <- LIKE PHIL COLLINS HERE

Well Done Mad Missy, Redneck farmers and poofs will be having a hissy fit (as people with a chip on the shoulder tend too) & Jem's joke proves she's no tit!

But who can we offend in the next bit? Am I brave, or stupid enough? To publish seriously sick shit?

()

(Only people of may get this. Remember the advert for Alker Seltzer?)

"What goes[brown] plop, plop, [/brown] [orange]fizz, fizz?"[/orange]

"Two Babies In An Acid Bath!"

And that's extremely fucking mild compared to the one about the daddy in the bath....!

Very very

This post is officially dedicated to NOOL's resident ray of TransKraftWerkian our very own model That is May the road rise up to meet your feet; May the wind be always gentle at your back and the sun shine warm upon your face. May the welcome rains fall softly upon your fields And, until we meet again, may hold you in the palm of his hand.

Shine on sister...!

the drugs will wear off soon....

His Holiness, The Pope wrote: the drugs will wear off soon....

The day the drugs wear off is the day I die! :dead:

Chronic Asthmatic, currently take 3 different inhalers 3 times a day; 9 in total.

Plus a half oz of baccy and....

"I'm saying nowt!....

very nearly made an arse of this post and re-posted the 1 above,

Short term memory loss, it'll wear off when I die.

As Gavin Friday said "If I Die I Die".

(Did make an ass of it had to edit it! ThrupennyBit That I am!)

Helluva over-familiar thing to say to someone you hardly know anyway you a big poofter!

What have you got to do to wind up a moderator round here?

How about some REALLY SICK jokes?

MIMX wrote: What have you got to do to wind up a moderator round here?

How about some REALLY SICK jokes?

Pump his dug

The panto at the hospital for paranoid schizophrenics was thrown into panic earlier this evening when someone in the audience shouted out 'He's behind you'.

Gazman wrote:

MIMX wrote: What have you got to do to wind up a moderator round here?

How about some REALLY SICK jokes?

Pump his dug

As The Cramps asked "Can Your Pussy Do The Dog?" ('Caue that's the only way I'd be pumping a dug! I'm a cat man "Here Puss Puss".)

Right time too send the kiddies out the room;

The father's lying in the bath butt naked, when his daughter walks in on him she takes one opened eyed look at his tackle and asks "Daddy what's that for?"

"Wait till your Mammy goes to the bingo and I'll show you!"

Bwahaha mwahaha!

Somebody's just gotta say "I Think You Are A Pig You Should Be In A Zoo!"

I fell in the street last week, and a wee woman asked if I'd hurt myself? "No I've a bar of toffee in my pocket and I was just breaking it" I replied.

I was walking along the beach the other day (still no sign of ) and saw a man with a large stick. I said to him "Are you a pole vaulter"? He said "Nine, I'm a German. But how did you know my name was Walther?"

I was standing at the bus stop eating a sausage supper when a woman approached with a small dog, it looked longingly at the sausage. I said to the woman "Shall I throw it a little bit?" She said "Yes." So I reached down, picked it up, and threw it a little bit.

My father and I were involved in a bus crash last week. Neither of us were hurt, but my father had the presence of mind to kick me in the head!

The words of the immortal Chick Murray, now [black]"Go Away Small Boys!"[/black]

The EU has made a formal complaint about Sudan to the UN. They've said that although the 15 days in prison for the schoolteacher was harsh, the subsequent deportation to Liverpool was just plain cruel and nasty.

Glasgow City Council has made a formal complaint about Iraq to the UN. It's a little known fact that during the 1st Gulf War a scud did actually made it to Britain. It landed in Parkhead and caused a million pounds worth of improvements.

:evil: Bwahaha mwahaha!