Q. Why did God create woman? A. To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
Q. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? A. The swallow
Q. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? A. Phone her.
Q. Why do women fake orgasms? A. Because they think men care.
Q. What is the definition of "making love"? A. Something a woman does while a guy is poking her.
Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? A. Slow down and use a lubricant.
Q. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q. How many sexists does it take to change a light bulb? A. None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
Q. What's the difference between pre-menstrual tension and B.S.E? A. One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem.
Q. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? A. Made her chain too long.
Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? A. Marry her!
Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A. A battery has a positive side.
Q. How is a woman like a condom? A. Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Q. How are cyclones and marriage alike? A. They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.
Q. Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle? A. She knows she's given her last blow job.
Q. How many men does it take to open a beer? A. None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Q. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? A. Because women who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Q. Why do women have smaller feet than men? A. It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Q. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? A. When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me ... ."
Q. How do you fix a woman's watch? A. You don't need to. There is a clock on the oven.
Q. Why do men fart more than women? A. Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
Q. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, which one do you let in first? A. The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
Q. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A. A woman that won't do what she's bloody told.
Q. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? A. Divorced.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always".
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months; I don't like to interrupt her.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
Our last fight was my fault. My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
PART II
WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A MAN
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too "yucky." Same work ... more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding Dress £5000; Tux rental £100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?" One mood, ALL the damn time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind. You can leave the motel bed unmade. You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is £8.95 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices. Everything on your face stays its original colour.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming. You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: "He must be mad at me."
You don't mooch off other's desserts. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
You're not expected to know the names of more than five colours. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
