Sorry if you kids have seen these before...but...
Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.
First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.
Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.
Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is always hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
Chuckles:
* The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
* I live in my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.
* I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Implants?"
* I don't do drugs any more 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.
* Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
* I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
* If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
* I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
* The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
* There are two sides to every divorce -- yours and Shithead's.
* If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now THAT'S a message!!
* I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
* Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
* I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
* I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
* Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
* Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
* If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
* How come we choose from just two people to run for President and 5 for Miss America?
* Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
* Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
* The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
* Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
* Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's words of wisdom: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
* Many people will walk in & out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints on your heart.
