when badgers attack

rogue badger

"I been involved with badgers for 24 years now and I've never heard of anything like this"

Mike Weaver Worcestershire Badger Society

My husband opened the door and the badger sat there and then, gradually, just slowly walked towards him and attacked him.

that is so funny, Hibster!!

hmm...how does one go about joining a Badger Society? After reading that article, i think i'd like to enlist. sounds like more fun than a barrel of syphilitic cats.

'Mr Weaver said there was no need for the public to fear a wave of Badger attacks.'

I'll sleep safe in my bed tonight.

Oh crap, it's not afraid of humans! We're all doomed!

protect yourself at all costs!!!...the badgers are comming

"Your typical badger has no respect for the American ideals and values, no love for the finer things in life, such as Perry Como television specials or Brooks Brothers suits. The badger is a subversive, bent on destroying everything you or I hold dear.

The badger is a thieving scum who, until now, has relegated himself to the pursuit of upsetting the balance of nature by his very presence. Until now, the badger has had no quarrel with the human, but as industrialization spreads to the third world, he will naturally feel out of place in such a hectic new set of surroundings. His is not a lifestyle not easily adaptable to modern technology. He has no use for the tractor, the word processor, or the cardboard cutouts of beer spokeswomen. The badger is a modern-day rebel, the Luddite of the natural world.

Do not be fooled by his placid exterior, for underneath beats the heart of a truly nasty little bugger. Be aware that he does not discriminate between adult humans (who should have plenty of experiance dealing with unwelcome natural invaders, having had to deal with country music fans) and young children. Mr. John Q. Badger is without morals, he will lure all who fall for his wooly charms to certain death or a slight, unseemly wound, whichever he can achieve the quickest.

The badger is dedicated to guerilla tactics and has no use for conventional warfare. He can pick up all his belongings and be on the move long before any feeble airstrikes can be called in (as the U.S. Air Force learned to its dismay during Vietnam, when it expanded its air campaign to Cambodia). You will not find your typical badger on the field of battle, squaring off directly against you as the elephant or the sea monkey might. At least ants respect our rules for warfare, but the cowardly badger prefers to strike at random, sending terror into any human force sent to dispatch it. One young soldier (who was the only survivor of just such an attack), recalled: 'Me and some buddies from the bowling alley were getting drunk out in the woods late one March night, when all of a sudden we hear this here rattling sound. We didn't know what it was, but after a while Jack, who knew Morse code, said that all he could make out was "the farmer is in the dell, the farmer is in the dell". The next thing I remember, we started getting bit around our ankles, me and the boys was all hollerin' but them little fuckers wouldn't stop. Ned, the shy virgin with a Star Trek fetish, ran off towards the creek screaming bloody murder, he had about ten of them little bastards picking at his face and his crotch. Jack, David, and Bobby all started yellin' too. I saw how one of them badgers ripped Bobby's tongue straight outta his mouth. David had himself a fit over one that was clawing away at his stomach, I couldn't really see anything but I thought for sure I saw his stomach ripped out. Jack....well, I don't care to talk about what happened to Jack, it was just too damn horrible. Me, I got lucky, I had a couple of unopened bottles of beer - it was Jack's favorite, Schlitz. Never could figure out that one, we tried to get him to switch to Bud - and I just started spraying them in the eyes of the two on me. They had just reached my genitals, and I was anxious to get rid of 'em. The others were too busy messing with what was left of Jack, David was a goner for sure, and though I could still hear Ned screaming, I knew he was not long for this world. I ran to the pick-up, but Ned had the keys.....I had to run for six or seven miles before I could be sure I was clear. Then I had me another beer...'

There you have it, a firsthand account of badger cruelty.

Do not be alarmed so as to alter your lifestyle so considerably as to ensure the badger's campaign of terror will be effective. Continue to shop, go to movie theaters, sleep with your significant other, and cheat with your secretary. The badger's efforts to upset your daily life is but one of the many nasty things he has on his 'To Do' list. The badger is total evil.

And so, finally, if you or someone you love should run across a badger, follow these steps to ensure safety for yourself and death for the badger:

1. Halt whatever activity you are engaged in (if what you're doing is cheating with your secretary, complete the 'dictation of a memo' as soon as possible. This should not be too hard for middle-aged businessmen going through a midlife crisis)

2. Try to get on the badger's good side by offering him slices of cheese (Swiss, Provolone, or Cheddar will do. Don't skimp and get generic store brands, the badger is an erudite cheese conisseur and can be rather vicious with an unthinking victim), a good job, a nice house in the country, and your secretary (who will promptly slap you)

3. When the badger has finally stopped giggling, proceed to lure him towards your car, so as to better appreciate the sound system. Your typical badger is a true degenerate, with musical tastes in the extreme (Yanni, Enya, Yoko, and James Taylor are particular favorites). This will cause him to have a false sense of security.

4. Pull out your double barreled shotgun while he is singing along to "You've Got a Friend". As he reaches the chorus, blow the little fucker's head off (and get your secretary to clean the windshield, as it's probably going to be her car anyway. I mean, what if your wife came to the same location with her boyfriend?)

5. Bury the badger in a shallow grave, then piss on it to ensure the evil spirits will not come for you now that he is dead (or is it "don't piss on the grave to ensure no evil spirits come after you"? I can never keep it straight).

6. Leave the woods, take your secretary out to dinner, and divorce your wife.

Some might feel a badger is too essential to the ecosystem to be blown away so mercilessly. To them I say 'Climb back to your tree-hut, you lousy hippie!'. The badger has no place in the natural scheme of things, so do not feel any hesitance in killing the son of a bitch. You are actually doing the badger a favor, as his polar imbalance causes him to be depressed one minute, happy the next. Such an existence is horrible (just ask Hollywood screenwriters). Badgers are by nature suicidal, so it is in their best interest to be eliminated.

Finally, a warning: the badger will strike when you least expect it. He may come for you in the middle of the night, in the light of day, or from behind the counter at an Arby's. He may come for you, your children, or your Uncle Steve (who you never forgave for selling your 1969 Nolan Ryan card, so it's no great loss). He may strike with fangs, teeth, or shoulder-mounted nuclear warheads. However he comes, and whatever he does, always remember: the only good badger is a dead one.....with a little white wine and butter, making a delicious meal.

The badger could be anywhere.........he could even be.....YOU!"

Originally posted by Grigori Rasputin, the Mad Mystic you people are giving the badgers of the world a bad name...badgers are majestic creatures, deserving of your praise and wonder...please, leave them alone!!!!

Badger sympathizer!

We know what to do with "subversives" like yourself :violent2:

Im wondering if there is some place that one can rent these badgers for a day or two....just for some prankish fun!

Originally posted by Pretty in Pink Im wondering if there is some place that one can rent these badgers for a day or two....just for some prankish fun!

The badger is a mercenary, available to the highest bidder. You should have no problem bribing them with a bottle of Jack Daniel's and a trip to the local petting zoo (so they can see their "woman")

Originally posted by Taboo # 7 "Your typical badger has no respect for the American ideals and values, no love for the finer things in life, such as Perry Como television specials or Brooks Brothers suits. The badger is a subversive, bent on destroying everything you or I hold dear.The badger is a thieving scum who, until now, has relegated himself to the pursuit of upsetting the balance of nature by his very presence. Until now, the badger has had no quarrel with the human, but as industrialization spreads to the third world, he will naturally feel out of place in such a hectic new set of surroundings. His is not a lifestyle not easily adaptable to modern technology. He has no use for the tractor, the word processor, or the cardboard cutouts of beer spokeswomen. The badger is a modern-day rebel, the Luddite of the natural world.Do not be fooled by his placid exterior, for underneath beats the heart of a truly nasty little bugger. Be aware that he does not discriminate between adult humans (who should have plenty of experiance dealing with unwelcome natural invaders, having had to deal with country music fans) and young children. Mr. John Q. Badger is without morals, he will lure all who fall for his wooly charms to certain death or a slight, unseemly wound, whichever he can achieve the quickest.The badger is dedicated to guerilla tactics and has no use for conventional warfare. He can pick up all his belongings and be on the move long before any feeble airstrikes can be called in (as the U.S. Air Force learned to its dismay during Vietnam, when it expanded its air campaign to Cambodia). You will not find your typical badger on the field of battle, squaring off directly against you as the elephant or the sea monkey might. At least ants respect our rules for warfare, but the cowardly badger prefers to strike at random, sending terror into any human force sent to dispatch it. One young soldier (who was the only survivor of just such an attack), recalled: 'Me and some buddies from the bowling alley were getting drunk out in the woods late one March night, when all of a sudden we hear this here rattling sound. We didn't know what it was, but after a while Jack, who knew Morse code, said that all he could make out was "the farmer is in the dell, the farmer is in the dell". The next thing I remember, we started getting bit around our ankles, me and the boys was all hollerin' but them little fuckers wouldn't stop. Ned, the shy virgin with a Star Trek fetish, ran off towards the creek screaming bloody murder, he had about ten of them little bastards picking at his face and his crotch. Jack, David, and Bobby all started yellin' too. I saw how one of them badgers ripped Bobby's tongue straight outta his mouth. David had himself a fit over one that was clawing away at his stomach, I couldn't really see anything but I thought for sure I saw his stomach ripped out. Jack....well, I don't care to talk about what happened to Jack, it was just too damn horrible. Me, I got lucky, I had a couple of unopened bottles of beer - it was Jack's favorite, Schlitz. Never could figure out that one, we tried to get him to switch to Bud - and I just started spraying them in the eyes of the two on me. They had just reached my genitals, and I was anxious to get rid of 'em. The others were too busy messing with what was left of Jack, David was a goner for sure, and though I could still hear Ned screaming, I knew he was not long for this world. I ran to the pick-up, but Ned had the keys.....I had to run for six or seven miles before I could be sure I was clear. Then I had me another beer...'There you have it, a firsthand account of badger cruelty.Do not be alarmed so as to alter your lifestyle so considerably as to ensure the badger's campaign of terror will be effective. Continue to shop, go to movie theaters, sleep with your significant other, and cheat with your secretary. The badger's efforts to upset your daily life is but one of the many nasty things he has on his 'To Do' list. The badger is total evil.And so, finally, if you or someone you love should run across a badger, follow these steps to ensure safety for yourself and death for the badger:1. Halt whatever activity you are engaged in (if what you're doing is cheating with your secretary, complete the 'dictation of a memo' as soon as possible. This should not be too hard for middle-aged businessmen going through a midlife crisis)2. Try to get on the badger's good side by offering him slices of cheese (Swiss, Provolone, or Cheddar will do. Don't skimp and get generic store brands, the badger is an erudite cheese conisseur and can be rather vicious with an unthinking victim), a good job, a nice house in the country, and your secretary (who will promptly slap you)3. When the badger has finally stopped giggling, proceed to lure him towards your car, so as to better appreciate the sound system. Your typical badger is a true degenerate, with musical tastes in the extreme (Yanni, Enya, Yoko, and James Taylor are particular favorites). This will cause him to have a false sense of security.4. Pull out your double barreled shotgun while he is singing along to "You've Got a Friend". As he reaches the chorus, blow the little fucker's head off (and get your secretary to clean the windshield, as it's probably going to be her car anyway. I mean, what if your wife came to the same location with her boyfriend?)5. Bury the badger in a shallow grave, then piss on it to ensure the evil spirits will not come for you now that he is dead (or is it "don't piss on the grave to ensure no evil spirits come after you"? I can never keep it straight).6. Leave the woods, take your secretary out to dinner, and divorce your wife.Some might feel a badger is too essential to the ecosystem to be blown away so mercilessly. To them I say 'Climb back to your tree-hut, you lousy hippie!'. The badger has no place in the natural scheme of things, so do not feel any hesitance in killing the son of a bitch. You are actually doing the badger a favor, as his polar imbalance causes him to be depressed one minute, happy the next. Such an existence is horrible (just ask Hollywood screenwriters). Badgers are by nature suicidal, so it is in their best interest to be eliminated.Finally, a warning: the badger will strike when you least expect it. He may come for you in the middle of the night, in the light of day, or from behind the counter at an Arby's. He may come for you, your children, or your Uncle Steve (who you never forgave for selling your 1969 Nolan Ryan card, so it's no great loss). He may strike with fangs, teeth, or shoulder-mounted nuclear warheads. However he comes, and whatever he does, always remember: the only good badger is a dead one.....with a little white wine and butter, making a delicious meal. The badger could be anywhere.........he could even be.....YOU!"

ah, christ I haven't laughed that hard in hours. Nicely done.

Originally posted by Taboo # 7 > Originally posted by Pretty in Pink> Im wondering if there is some place that one can rent these badgers for a day or two....just for some prankish fun!

The badger is a mercenary, available to the highest bidder. You should have no problem bribing them with a bottle of Jack Daniel's and a trip to the local petting zoo (so they can see their "woman")

hey thanks...ill do that....oh what fun this will be:evil:

Originally posted by Pretty in Pink > Originally posted by Taboo # 7> > > > Originally posted by Pretty in Pink> > Im wondering if there is some place that one can rent these badgers for a day or two....just for some prankish fun!>

The badger is a mercenary, available to the highest bidder. You should have no problem bribing them with a bottle of Jack Daniel's and a trip to the local petting zoo (so they can see their "woman")

hey thanks...ill do that....oh what fun this will be:evil:

one note of caution:

don't get them wet and don't feed them after midnight....

i've seen the ill effects...

Originally posted by David Church > Originally posted by Pretty in Pink> > > > Originally posted by Taboo # 7> > > > > > > Originally posted by Pretty in Pink> > > Im wondering if there is some place that one can rent these badgers for a day or two....just for some prankish fun!> > >

The badger is a mercenary, available to the highest bidder. You should have no problem bribing them with a bottle of Jack Daniel's and a trip to the local petting zoo (so they can see their "woman")

hey thanks...ill do that....oh what fun this will be:evil:

one note of caution:

don't get them wet and don't feed them after midnight....

i've seen the ill effects...

...warning has been noted!!

Originally posted by Grigori Rasputin, the Mad Mystic > Originally posted by David Church> > > > Originally posted by Pretty in Pink> > > > > > > Originally posted by Taboo # 7> > > > > > > > > > Originally posted by Pretty in Pink> > > > Im wondering if there is some place that one can rent these badgers for a day or two....just for some prankish fun!> > > > > >

The badger is a mercenary, available to the highest bidder. You should have no problem bribing them with a bottle of Jack Daniel's and a trip to the local petting zoo (so they can see their "woman")

hey thanks...ill do that....oh what fun this will be:evil:

one note of caution:

don't get them wet and don't feed them after midnight....

i've seen the ill effects...

so badgers are like Gremlins??? awwwwwwww helllllllll

Yes Jeff, and im sending them after you....watch your back!!!

Well i like BADGERS and have never been attacked by any.So let's not get too carried away yet. Cheers Rocket Mick

If Mr.Fitzgerald needed 2 skingrafts after such a vicious badger assault, then how come he's smiling like a Cheshire cat?

One of life's mysteries.

Originally posted by Marco X If Mr.Fitzgerald needed 2 skingrafts after such a vicious badger assault, then how come he's smiling like a Cheshire cat?One of life's mysteries.

Because one of the sections of skin they grafted on him was the face of Jimmy Durante. Badgers always go for the eyes first, just like cats; that's why if you wake up and your cat is looking into your face, it's waiting to see if you're dead so it can eat your eyeballs. simple enough i think.

Originally posted by David Church > Originally posted by Taboo # 7> "Your typical badger has no respect for the American ideals and values, no love for the finer things in life, such as Perry Como television specials or Brooks Brothers suits. The badger is a subversive, bent on destroying everything you or I hold dear.> > The badger is a thieving scum who, until now, has relegated himself to the pursuit of upsetting the balance of nature by his very presence. Until now, the badger has had no quarrel with the human, but as industrialization spreads to the third world, he will naturally feel out of place in such a hectic new set of surroundings. His is not a lifestyle not easily adaptable to modern technology. He has no use for the tractor, the word processor, or the cardboard cutouts of beer spokeswomen. The badger is a modern-day rebel, the Luddite of the natural world.> > Do not be fooled by his placid exterior, for underneath beats the heart of a truly nasty little bugger. Be aware that he does not discriminate between adult humans (who should have plenty of experiance dealing with unwelcome natural invaders, having had to deal with country music fans) and young children. Mr. John Q. Badger is without morals, he will lure all who fall for his wooly charms to certain death or a slight, unseemly wound, whichever he can achieve the quickest.> > The badger is dedicated to guerilla tactics and has no use for conventional warfare. He can pick up all his belongings and be on the move long before any feeble airstrikes can be called in (as the U.S. Air Force learned to its dismay during Vietnam, when it expanded its air campaign to Cambodia). You will not find your typical badger on the field of battle, squaring off directly against you as the elephant or the sea monkey might. At least ants respect our rules for warfare, but the cowardly badger prefers to strike at random, sending terror into any human force sent to dispatch it. One young soldier (who was the only survivor of just such an attack), recalled: 'Me and some buddies from the bowling alley were getting drunk out in the woods late one March night, when all of a sudden we hear this here rattling sound. We didn't know what it was, but after a while Jack, who knew Morse code, said that all he could make out was "the farmer is in the dell, the farmer is in the dell". The next thing I remember, we started getting bit around our ankles, me and the boys was all hollerin' but them little fuckers wouldn't stop. Ned, the shy virgin with a Star Trek fetish, ran off towards the creek screaming bloody murder, he had about ten of them little bastards picking at his face and his crotch. Jack, David, and Bobby all started yellin' too. I saw how one of them badgers ripped Bobby's tongue straight outta his mouth. David had himself a fit over one that was clawing away at his stomach, I couldn't really see anything but I thought for sure I saw his stomach ripped out. Jack....well, I don't care to talk about what happened to Jack, it was just too damn horrible. Me, I got lucky, I had a couple of unopened bottles of beer - it was Jack's favorite, Schlitz. Never could figure out that one, we tried to get him to switch to Bud - and I just started spraying them in the eyes of the two on me. They had just reached my genitals, and I was anxious to get rid of 'em. The others were too busy messing with what was left of Jack, David was a goner for sure, and though I could still hear Ned screaming, I knew he was not long for this world. I ran to the pick-up, but Ned had the keys.....I had to run for six or seven miles before I could be sure I was clear. Then I had me another beer...'> > There you have it, a firsthand account of badger cruelty.> > Do not be alarmed so as to alter your lifestyle so considerably as to ensure the badger's campaign of terror will be effective. Continue to shop, go to movie theaters, sleep with your significant other, and cheat with your secretary. The badger's efforts to upset your daily life is but one of the many nasty things he has on his 'To Do' list. The badger is total evil.> > And so, finally, if you or someone you love should run across a badger, follow these steps to ensure safety for yourself and death for the badger:> > 1. Halt whatever activity you are engaged in (if what you're doing is cheating with your secretary, complete the 'dictation of a memo' as soon as possible. This should not be too hard for middle-aged businessmen going through a midlife crisis)> > 2. Try to get on the badger's good side by offering him slices of cheese (Swiss, Provolone, or Cheddar will do. Don't skimp and get generic store brands, the badger is an erudite cheese conisseur and can be rather vicious with an unthinking victim), a good job, a nice house in the country, and your secretary (who will promptly slap you)> > 3. When the badger has finally stopped giggling, proceed to lure him towards your car, so as to better appreciate the sound system. Your typical badger is a true degenerate, with musical tastes in the extreme (Yanni, Enya, Yoko, and James Taylor are particular favorites). This will cause him to have a false sense of security.> > 4. Pull out your double barreled shotgun while he is singing along to "You've Got a Friend". As he reaches the chorus, blow the little fucker's head off (and get your secretary to clean the windshield, as it's probably going to be her car anyway. I mean, what if your wife came to the same location with her boyfriend?)> > 5. Bury the badger in a shallow grave, then piss on it to ensure the evil spirits will not come for you now that he is dead (or is it "don't piss on the grave to ensure no evil spirits come after you"? I can never keep it straight).> > 6. Leave the woods, take your secretary out to dinner, and divorce your wife.> > > Some might feel a badger is too essential to the ecosystem to be blown away so mercilessly. To them I say 'Climb back to your tree-hut, you lousy hippie!'. The badger has no place in the natural scheme of things, so do not feel any hesitance in killing the son of a bitch. You are actually doing the badger a favor, as his polar imbalance causes him to be depressed one minute, happy the next. Such an existence is horrible (just ask Hollywood screenwriters). Badgers are by nature suicidal, so it is in their best interest to be eliminated.> > Finally, a warning: the badger will strike when you least expect it. He may come for you in the middle of the night, in the light of day, or from behind the counter at an Arby's. He may come for you, your children, or your Uncle Steve (who you never forgave for selling your 1969 Nolan Ryan card, so it's no great loss). He may strike with fangs, teeth, or shoulder-mounted nuclear warheads. However he comes, and whatever he does, always remember: the only good badger is a dead one.....with a little white wine and butter, making a delicious meal. > > > The badger could be anywhere.........he could even be.....YOU!">

ah, christ I haven't laughed that hard in hours. Nicely done.

Thanks! I decided it was so good, I might as well try and submit it to National Lampoon. So I just did so (online). I'll let ya know if I hear back from 'em...