Crazy stories and fairytales

This was an idea of Martin Gray's so don't blame me. Using a fairytale or any narrative of your choice, use New Order songs to come up with a witty story. Check the New Order vs Smiths link for one example....Here is another.

Once upon a time, there were 3 little piggies, one called Bernard, one called Stephen and one called Gillian, after 2 or 3 years with their parent piggies they were sent into the big bad WORLD to fend for themselves. The first thing the 3 little piggies had to do, was to build a house for themselves, to protect them from the Big Bad Wolf (HOOKY), Who had a bad habit for eating little piggies. Gillian, the youngest of the piggies was really, really scared "will these DREAMS NEVER END?" she asked Stephen, "of course they will, you just need to build a big strong house, you see the wolf isn't really bad, it's just his WAY OF LIFE, he has a VICIOUS STREAK you see." "LETS GO" said Bernard "the sooner we are safe the better" SOONER THAN YOU THINK thought Bernard (who had just purchased some straw from some dodgy looking geezer) So Bernard wandered off, leaving THE OTHER TWO to bugger off and build their own. Now who's this?...It's Hooky the Big Bad Wolf, he has just entered THE VILLAGE and he looks a wee bit hungry! Hooky walks up to the first house built of straw, and knocks ever so politely on the door, who's this at THIS TIME OF NIGHT thought Bernard, no fucking way am i opening that door. " I'll fucking huff and puff and blow that house down" bellows the Big Bad Wolf, no reply so Hooky grabs for his bass and blows that house down! "Shit I'd better RUN" shouts Bernard, fleeing to the second house, where he finds Stephen."Whatever you do don't open the door" Bernard tells Steve "or you'll REGRET it" Knock on the door, no answer, "I'll fucking huff and puff and blow that house down (for anyone interested the house was built of twigs) still no answer Hooky turns up his bass, and blows the house down. Steve and Barney run to Gillians house and tell her what's happened, "It's okay, he'll never get in here, the house is made of brick" Knock on the door, "LEAVE ME ALONE" shouts Gillian, "WHY DON'T YOU PISS OFF" pipes up the now brave Bernard. "I'll fucking huff and puff and blow that house down" so Hooky turns his bass to full power, but to no avail, "last fucking warning" shouts the pissed off Wolf as he reaches for his microphone and drum machine, he lets hell loose with the noise from his bass, his out of tune screams and a bit of a funky beat on the drum machine. Still nothing, now the wolf is in a state of CONFUSION what will he do? TEMPTATION is getting the better of him, so he thinks FUCK IT, I'll have to go down the chimney, so the 3 little piggies fetch a cauldron of boiling water and place it at the bottom of the chimney, up to the roof climbs Hooky with a LOVELESS glint in his eyes, he steps into the chimney......But the Big Bad Wolf is too fucking fat and is stuck IN A LONELY PLACE untill SUNRISE and the 3 little piggies lived happily ever after.

Yes I am Clinically insane.

Originally posted by Martin Gray since when was there a New Order-related song called "FUCK IT"??????

After half an hour I began to go a little mad, I am sorry, and such a mistake will never happen again:finger:

Originally posted by Martin Gray ALL DAY LONG, I think about the STATE OF THE NATION, and despair at EVERYONE EVERYWHERE living their lives in DENIAL. My CONFUSION at their mundane WAY OF LIFE turns to SHELLSHOCK and I harbour thoughts of MURDER when another BRUTAL , YOUNG OFFENDER gets let off the (HOOK) (!) for beating the shit out of another innocent victim. The TEMPTATION to fight back is unbearable, and I end up going ROUND & ROUND in circles, convinced that I'm heading ALL THE WAY to the WEIRDO asylum. The Government keep on talking shit as usual, one BROKEN PROMISE after another, one blatant LIAR after another, self-glorification in their endless and shameless PROCESSION of deceit and hypocrisy. They must have taken leave of their SENSES a long time ago. This LOVELESS, WORLD is starting to piss me off. Sometimes I wish I could RUN away and escape this madness, seek out a PERFECT PIT or a SPECIAL, PARADISE somewhere, maybe go to THE BEACH , or reflect quietly IN A LONELY PLACE. I've lost all TRUE FAITH in humanity, I guess THE KISS OF DEATH will be when the AVALANCHE of bullshit hits the fan.... then we will all have to FACE UP to the TRUTH..... Alone, at THIS TIME OF NIGHT, my feelings of HURT are so strong, I just want to lash out. It seems like EVERYTHING'S GONE GREEN, apparently RUINED IN A DAY. A new day may yet dawn to replace all the darkness that I feel: come SUNRISE , then could be a FINE TIME to finally unleash my VICIOUS STREAK, so LET'S GO and RUN WILD in THE VILLAGE and simply just kill everybody in sight..........I won't REGRET it one bit.How's that for a heartfelt sequence??

A- NOT BAD, SMART ARSE

Originally posted by Sébastien Boisvert Wow, for one minute I thought somebody would be posting again the BERNARD SUMNER - BOBBY GILLESPIE gay story, available on a Bobby G. fan site.:o

I would sink low, but not quite as low as that, and having met Bobby before the Ally Pally new years eve gig, I could never possibly write anything detrimental towards him

Originally posted by Martin Gray > Originally posted by hugh sludden> > A-> NOT BAD, SMART ARSE

Many many thanks, Hugh, I guess soon my work will be done (that narrative conveys my true feelings about life at present). It's nearly time to go........

Fuckin' 'ell, you sound a bit pissed off, yer not going to start listening to Leonard Cohen are you?

Originally posted by Nicolas LeBlanc I saved this one to my hard drive a few years back:---Bear with me.All The Way in Houston, TX, I once loved a girl, but she was below the AgeOf Consent. She also thought I was a Weirdo, always wondering if I was onsome illegal Substance. I didn't care--I had True Faith that she'd comearound eventually. every time I saw her, it was like paradise. I'd go to school, stare at herin class and daydream All Day Long--this was my Way Of Life. Finally, itgot too much for her--every time she saw me she would Run.Sometimes I would Run 2. In the end, she had to call the police. I was trying to steal her underwearout of her house in the middle of the night, but Thieves Like Us aren't verygood at that sort of thing. They caught me with some Angel Dust. Hey, atleast I wasn't booked for Murder. The cop screamed at me in disgust: "It'skids like you that make the State Of The Nation what it is today!" Needlessto say, jail was very Spooky. There was an inmate who thought I wasSpecial, but I kept clear of him, regardless of Temptation. Oh yeah, I'mbisexual, which explains why I thought he was kind of cute. Anyway, I was put in jail back in 1963. Now I've been freed. I have a lotof Confusion about the World I live in today, I would rather things be As ItIs When It Was back then. Prison was very Brutal to me. But I told myself Dreams Never End, and oneday I would be reunited with my Guilty Partner. I know she would Regretsending me to jail. I mean, that whole time she pretended not to like meshe was obviously in Denial. All I have to do is plant the Perfect Kiss onher lips, and she'll be in utter Shellshock. After all, it was so long ago,I was such a Young Offender. I've seen the error of my ways, for in prisonI was Touched By The Hand Of God. He showed me there are other ways to showlove. Finally, I found her, but she was in love.. with another woman! What aBizarre Love Triangle. She was happy, so I suppose that made me happy, evenif I loved her so much I thought she set the World In Motion. I was RuinedIn A Day. I went down to The Beach to recollect my thoughts. Let me tellyou, that was a very Blue Monday for me. But after a while, I got over it. I decided I was too good for her--oranyone else, for that matter. I made myself believe that Everything's GoneGreen with envy because I was just too good. I I had to Face Up toreality--that I was the bomb, and not even an Avalanche could stop me. Istarted going out to clubs, and living my life. They started calling me Mr.Disco because I clubbed and partied so much. Out of everyone in the world,I must have been The Happy One. This life cycle continued going Round AndRound--I was living in a Subculture of happiness and music. Finally one night, coming home from a club, I was mugged. Strange--at ThisTime Of Night I should have already been in bed, but there I was, lying inthe street, in a pool of some Chemical because I was attacked next to atoxic waste plant. As my life ebbed away, I couldn't help but catch a briefMovement out of the corner of my eye--it was a black cat. Watching meintently. That cat had a Fine Time watching me die, the stupid feline. Ah well. If life taught me anything, it's this: Everyone Everywhere hastheir Chosen Time. You never knwo when your Vanishing Point draws nigh, butwhen it does, you'll never be In A Lonely Place again.

A Very good Nicolas. It would have been an A+ if there was a fairytale narrative too it!

If that's true, I'm amazed old Len had even heard of JD/NO fair play to that man

Originally posted by velocity girl i`m not surprised, jd/no is right up his street i reckon..

Who do you think'll jump out the closet next? Dylan maybe?