Stars within the Huntsman's Eyeballs (HUNTSMAN CLUB TYPICAL THREAD)

Me birds always banging on at me to write into 'Stars for their Eyes' and send a tape after I played her a cover of Christine Isaaks... 'The Wicked Game' I did some years back. I'm not a bragger but when I play it to people in me bomber rarely does anyone go... Hey is that you you filthy little maggot ingester. Thing is, the only purpose for this show that I can see is for people like me to sit at home on a saturday night (coffee table decked out with copious varieties of lightly flavoured snacks and pepsi max - iced with a hint of lemon) and laugh hysterically at the imbeciles that crawl from beneath the woodworm to embarrass themselves in front of an average of 2.1 million viewers. Now, do I really want that to happen to me... I think not. The last time I was on stage with a band my leg was shaking that much (through nerves) that some complete twat stood at the front of the stage all night pointing at my leg and shouting 'Look it's fucking Shakin' Stevens'. Anyway, other than getting laughed at I'd prefer to chop my own beak off than go on this show.

Then I got to thinking... mmm... I might do the show if I could do a New Order song, resplendant in baggy light blue shirt and dark blue jeans, sides shaved and floppy top to boot. Me thinks I'd plump for 'Regrettable Circumstances' so that when all me old bitches were watching they would hear the lyrics and go... I think he's forgotten about us and he has no Regrets.

After the performance I would win the show, then progress to the national final and claim my rightful prize (a hat) as the most realistic copy cat fella... with 'Terry Fieldmice' as 'Ray Charles' a close second with his almost perfect rendition of 'When the Monkey Cries'. After I had become famous I would then do a tour of the northern clubs and get bottles of piss thrown at my face... maybe some members of the audience (who weren't consuming sunday dinners) would catawall 'Who are New Order anyway... didn't they do that Brown Monday song'.

So then... which cover would you select?

Huntsy, if you were to go on Stars in their eyes it would also mean you'd have to dance like the Barnster...would that be beyond you? Personally I don't think I'd get the right arm/left foot correlation right and fall flat on my arse.

I think Regrets the easy choice Hunter, someone of your undoubted talent could try something a little more challenging. I'd give Round&Round a shot, I think I could pull off the bitterness in the lines rather well

PS. a little quiz for you Hunter....who wrote

'Slow Jam - Again Quality'

in their review of the album?

Thank god for Huntsy, always guaranteed to brighten up any Friday.

I'd be Tony Ferrino, international singing sensation. I'd do 'Short Term Affair', and of course the Livster would have to do Bjorks part. Are you up for it angel lips?

Tony Ferino hey Muffler... I should have known you'd peg yourself for a sultry loungeroom lizard. I'm not sure licking someones cosi-fan-tutti in front of Sir Matthew Kellog would go down well with the audience but it would make for intriguing viewing pleasure.

Snake what a poser you've stuck up me nose on that one... it sounds like something 'Tony Wilsock' might say... other than that I would be sniffing for rats, no idea. I've got a terrible memory even though I've read (as far as I know) all of the reviews of the hit album 'Getting Things Ready' from the major rags of the world. Sometimes I find it difficult to remember what year it is... I got dressed in traditional 40's clothes the other day and went to get a small ration of butter from the butchers.. couldnt believe when I got there that it was 2001 and they only sold pigs bladders and horses teeth.

I thought 'Regrettable Circumstances' would be a good choice 'cause it gets the old crowd tapping their feets. 'Round the Bend' is one of me faves alright (the Technical version)... if I was going to try something bonkers I think I'd have a crack at 'Crystal'... I do think I could master Barn's dancing techniques on this one and just when the granny's had nodded off I'd whistle as loud as I could down the gramaphone and blow their wigs high into the sky. It might even make "Kellog's' moustache fly off.

Originally posted by Huntsman Snake what a poser you've stuck up me nose on that one... it sounds like something 'Tony Wilsock' might say... other than that I would be sniffing for rats, no idea. I've got a terrible memory even though I've read (as far as I know) all of the reviews of the hit album 'Getting Things Ready' from the major rags of the world.

Hunto, I'll give you a clue. It was somebody who posts reguarly on this site - not a scribe

Is it Dave Miano and his dancing cockroach?

Jesus Hunts, i'm gonna be giggling like a girlie all afternoon now, thanks. I was having a real c*** of a one until I read this latest Huntsfantasy. The producers of Stars In Their Tights should turn the show over to you double quick, you'd be a granny's favourite in the time it takes to put the kettle on! God bless ya, you crazy, crazy man.

Originally posted by Huntsman Is it Dave Miano and his dancing cockroach?

You know who it was Huntsy, own up now!

I wonder sometimes why I haven't already won the national championship when I see some of the clowns that appear by thought alone. If I think loads when its on maybe I appear on the scoreboard and steal the show... pipping Neil Sadarky by half a vote. (can an egg vote?).

Your right in your assessment Smonkey Ball Boy... this is yet another fantasy trip the Huntsmule has saddled up for, but when you've got your best girly by your side and she's egging you on to write to the tallest presenter on the earth, well you fill up with pride and stupidly think you really are good. Then you turn the song down on the stereogram and realise that singing into that old gypsy's brush was tap shoe.

This is a true story.. when we moved into our new old house the next door neighbours warned us about gypsies. Rubbish I thought, it's 1943, sorry, 2001... anyway, one day there was a knock at the door and it was a gypsy selling brushes. I thought, oh fuck it I'll have a couple..... £4 each!!!!!!!! - fucking hell I had to pay her £8 bar just to get her off me doorstep. Good quality these are sir... I should fucking hope so.... are they made of fucking platinum?

Anyway the fuckers were cheap shit and the spokes are glued on to the rubber bit... bitch.

Was better paying meeting her demands otherwise a wheel might have fallen off my bomber at high speeds and I could have been involved in a minor RTA.

Originally posted by Muffy > Originally posted by Huntsman> Is it Dave Miano and his dancing cockroach?

You know who it was Huntsy, own up now!

Erm, actually I haven't got a clue... is this some kind of insider joke and your all laughing at the old HuntsDonkey?... remember Muffler... I was off yesterday so I missed a day on the boards.

Whats your addy again Hunts, i've a bag of clothes pegs here looking for a loving home, only £10 a dozen!

Originally posted by Huntsman

Erm, actually I haven't got a clue... is this some kind of insider joke and your all laughing at the old HuntsDonkey?... remember Muffler... I was off yesterday so I missed a day on the boards.

Now come on Huntsy, we'd never laugh at you, only because of you, and you know it! I've a feeling it was your sweet self who passed that Slow Death remark, am i wrong or are you about to confess??

I'll put you out your misery... Bad Huntsy

Are we to select a cover for you to do, Huntsy, or are we to engage in a total fantasy and imagine the cover we would do if, contrary to fact, we could sing and play musical instruments?

Oh no... public humiliation. See I told you I had a shit memory (that wasn't a Huntsman porky).

I've only got one line of defence... that I wasn't totally sure what songs where which at the time and I think I've mixed Death Rat up with another belter. Dear me you've got to me on your hooves these days.

A two pronged attack by Snake and Smuffler... damn cats.

Peppermint Pastie... the show sees members of the republic getting togs on and singing to their fave song... you don't have to play the banjo to compete. This threadbare postal debate was set to encourage the fettlers to discuss what they would like to perform... instead its laugh-a-long-a-HuntsDonkey for his torrid memory.

Here Passtime... the song I was on about the other day was 'All I Want' by the Offsprouts... is this your bag?

And another 'thang... I witnessed a Soiled Turnip song on MTV deux the other night and I wrote the song down so that I could ask the gang if theyd heard it... I think its ace in the hole.... its called 'Disarm'.

Anyway Snake and Muffy have now stitched me twice this week... and I used to be a killer queen as well.

"I've lost it lads"

Well, Huntsy, I'd have to think long and hard about which song I'd like to perform publicly; it wouldn't necessarily be my favorite. (Maybe it should be Regret, considering my absence of singing skills. Then you really would say, "You're right Patsmore, that's truly a terrible song.")

I'm not familiar with that particular Off-the-Shelf number, Huntsy.

If Soiled Turnip is a stand-in for something else, I'm not sure what.

Originally posted by Huntsman Oh no... public humiliation.See I told you I had a shit memory (that wasn't a Huntsman porky)A two pronged attack by Snake and Smuffler... damn cats.Anyway Snake and Muffy have now stitched me twice this week... and I used to be a killer queen as well. "I've lost it lads"

Never mind Hunts, you've sent me back to the saltmine with a spring in my step and an inane grin on my chops with your banter and as i've said before, apples will grow again! Have a good weekend groovers, toodle pip.

Indeed Hunts, once again you've brightened up my morning no end. Apologies for the 'little trick' - just thought it was too good an opportunity to miss

Well, when all said and done I did secretly like being the butt of the joke... I've certainly aimed a few in my time so it was just my time to go.

So long Muffler, hope your day down the mine goes to plan and your bird correctly predicts any gasses that may be floating about.

Patty... you'll have to dig that Pumpkin number out of your hat, 'Disarm' (remember that name fella)... a worthy tune, very, heavy. First time I've really listened to a Smash and Grab number apart from a Little Shithouse in my Soul... but it was top notch... and that's a Huntsman seal of approval.

On another note our Belgian chocy Booster finally received me package and when last I heard from him through the snail mail was dining on supplied Curry flavoured Pringles. From the UK with love... a pot of the best.

The only Bursting Watermelon song I've ever cared for, Huntsy, was 1979. Do you know that one? But I'll keep in mind Unilateral Disarmament.

Never did come across that darn 1978 number... was it great or just a bit toffee hammerite?

Well, Huntsy, I haven't heard it lately but I remember liking it quite a bit. I also remember hearing one time on the radio a request for anything by the Spunky Mashkins other than 1879. Apparently they have a greatest pies collection coming out soon.

Patty if only you knew how funny 'Greatest Pies' sounds to us Northerners. Excellent, you've tickled my fancy there.

I don't think The Greatest Pies will make my Christmas list... I couldn't justify my love for this based on 1 song I caught about 9 nanoseconds of the other day. I will, however, be putting 'Trenchcoat' and 'Powder Puff Lies' down which will end my silence of so many years. I can just picture the scene... snow coming down and the chart buster 'Throw Me a Lifeline' ringing in the Christmas belles.

That radio station can't have digged 1983 eh?... wonder if that's an example of you fighting against the masses Pasty, that and liking the Outcast/Offspring materialistic bands of the nineties.

What next?... them old Take That and Party tapes coming out from your loft space?

Patty do you like model railways?

Well, I'm glad I've said something that amused you, Huntsy. I was really afraid yesterday that I'd offended you so much you were just going to go off and enjoy your Pringles by yourself.

I'm also glad to hear that you'll be able to listen once again to Leave Meat With A Bone.

I don't believe I know Outcast. Is that different from Outkast?

I did actually locate my copy of Take That and Party but I haven't had the courage to listen to it yet.

I forgot about model trains: I used to, Huntsy, but I think at 12 I'm perhaps too old.

It's best to forget Take Thy Name in Vein Pattler... they only did a couple of good dittys before fat head left and they expired.

I was scraping and painting the same room at my house that I started earlier this year yesterday.... at one stage I was going to punch the back of a wardrobe I got myself in such a nark... I didn't though, instead closed my eyes and waited for it to pass. So I only made 1 post which is most probably a recording for me.

I did 'log-on' on the night and read that you had offended me. I couldn't believe my eyeballs... actually, no that's not true. I couldn't even work out what was meant to be offensive?... I'm rarely offended by anyone... I tend to live in my own world and only come out to snack. In order to offend me you'd have to aim your dagger at things you couldn't even percieve... everything else just brushes into my hair.

I'm not certain on the Outpost correct spelling... I didn't like the cut of their jib though... to overtly skateboard worthy.

So, about that miniature railway?

I didn't mean to offend you, Huntsy; I was afraid that something I said had offended you without me intending it to have that effect.

In my view home improvements are never a good idea, especially when you try to do them yourself.

I do intend to try to listen to some of the Fake Fat stuff, just to see...

By the way, Huntsy, can you explain to me how it is that Robbie Williams is popular?

Huntsman, you realize you've only had one sensible reply to your initial message.

Robbies a muppet - but he at least does have a sense of humour of sorts - although its not to my taste. He originally appealed to footy fans who saw him as a 'bit of a lad' with his coke / alcohol binges. I think he now appeals solely to unsatisfied ladies who want a 'bit of rough'. his music is utter shite though

Did Take that and Party have 'Babe' on it? I liked that one.

I'll need to check the track list on Takeout and Prattle.