Age of Consent as a defining song of the '80s

sorry for the long post, for those of you with, erm, short screens. :)

bill simmons is a popular sportswriter in the usa who writes for espn's site. in his latest column, he answered some emailed question from his readers, including this one for the ages:

Q: What do you think is THE defining song of the 80's? Not the most popular, but the song that if you were putting a disc of one song in a time capsule for 100 years and they were to open it, what song would scream "This is why the 80s rules." I say it's Blue Monday by New Order, but I'm open to suggestions. --Lance Hughes, Lubbock, TX

Sports Guy: That's a great "Driving on a road trip and needing something to argue about for 50 miles" question. In my opinion, a quintessential 80's song should accomplish five things:

A. It should make you think that, except for the rare exceptions -- like the Killers or Franz Ferdinand -- they don't make music like this anymore. B. It should be happy and moody at the same time, the last song you would ever hear before driving your car off a bridge. C. It should have a definite beat -- you could dance to it, clean your car to it, drive 110 MPH to it, etc -- and it should definitely sound like something that could have been used in Miami Vice (in an opening montage or a "driving around Miami and checking out hot chicks" scene, not a car chase or a "Tubbs hangs out in a strip joint and pretends he's Jamaican" scene). D. It should make you question your own sexuality for about 0.87 seconds before you say, "Ah, screw it, it's a good song." E. It should be dated, cheesy and a little overdramatic ... but not so much that the song isn't still enjoyable even now.

Anyway, these would be my six choices (with apologies to "Relax" by Frankie Goes to Hollywood, which wasn't quite morose enough since it was about an orgasm):

1. "The Promise," by When In Rome
2. "Suedehead," by Morrissey
3. "Uncertain Smile" by The The
4. "A Forest" by The Cure
5. "The Killing Moon," by Echo and the Bunnymen 6. "Age of Consent," by New Order

So there you go. And yes, I spent about 90 minutes coming up with that list. And you wonder what I do all day.

I'd have put Blue Monday or BLT or Temptation as #1. And while I'm happy to see New Order on his list, I have a hard time imagining Age of Consent playing during Miami Vice (per rule C). The show feels too old for the song, which always struck me as New Order's teenage rebel yell, with Barney as a high school boy in the aftermath of a crush gone bad. Then again, maybe I'm projecting too much... :)

The whole column is here:

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/050127

there's a whole thread on this at I Love Music...find your answers there.

What's even more depressing is that Michael Mann is working on a feature film version of Miami Vice. Argh! Just stop now....

wow. my stereotype of ESPN has now totally gone out the window.

Originally posted by AgentWood wow. my stereotype of ESPN has now totally gone out the window.

Bill Simmons is my favorite columnist, sports or otherwise. He incorporates pop culture into all his articles, its very Un_ESPN like, but thats what makes his articles so enjoyable. For a good read, check out his dissection of the Karate Kid movies, Funny stuff.

He's not a bad straight sports writer either, his analysis of the Championship games in both conferences was essentially dead on, including the viewpoint that the Steelers-Patriots game would be high scoring, something NO ONE agreed with, in particular Vegas (where the opening Over/under line was I believe 36, in the end it was the over, at 68). Love the guys stuff. Quite amusing, and always creative and a pleasure to read.

You know what ? During the tour, NO should play Age of Consent just after Krafty. I like the answer the young Barney gave to the contemporary one 22 years ago...

Krafty : "But out there the world is a beautiful place With mountains, lakes and the human race"

Age of Consent : "You're not the kind that needs to tell me About the birds and the bees"