JAMIE OLIVER - CRETINOUS TOSSPOT : WE SALUTE YOU!!!

A special festive bulletin in honour of the man who must surely be the nation's Number 1 King Size Bell End.

Lately whilst browsing round town thru all the bookshops as is my wont, my senses are being well and truly assaulted by UNBELIEVABLE numbers of FUCKING BASTARD JAMIE OLIVER Christmas cash-in cookbooks and diaries and god-only-knows-what else all with his fucking hideous retarded simian features grimacing from the covers. Is it just me or does anyone else harbour a pathological hatred, verging on the homicidal, of this hideously overpampered spoilt twatty public schoolboy excuse for a celebrity being plastered almost every where you care to look - on TV, in magazines, in bookshops, newspaper supplements, in lifestyle and music mags, not to mention popping up unexpectedly from beneath the toilet bowl lid and scaring the living daylights out of old incontinent men and women who just want to have a cack in peace.??

Please don't tell me that there are any "fans" on this message board who champion this grotesquely overrated, untalented charlatan whose main purpose is just to piss off everybody with any semblance of taste. I mean, he even "moonlights" as a drummer in his own spastic dogbreath attempt at a rock band for fuck's sake, just to show us that - hey! - he too is in touch with his 'cock'n'bull' side just like us!! Wow! That's radical!!

I think someone should storm the TV studio when he next makes a special "guest appearance", do the decent thing and sieze hold of the smug twat roughly by his ears, rub melted garlic butter and vinegar into his eyes, plug a few peppered courgettes up his fucking coke-sniffing nostrils, stuff his flapping cakehole with ginger and parsley then shove him head first into the biggest wok they can find and them flambé the bastard for about thirty minutes or until his smug greasy chops bubble til they burst. Fucking hell - definitely a contender for the most annoying person on TV and everywhere else. So, give the lad a break for Christmas - start with every bleeding bone in his scrawny pig-fucking body......Tosser.

Kill!! Kill!! Kill!!! :headoff: :headoff:

And perhaps only after we've disposed of this wretched specimen's rancid festering carcass can we then all sleep soundly in our beds again.

Wouldn't mind shagging his missus though !

Originally posted by Socrates El Orificio Ectoplasm Wouldn't mind shagging his missus though !

You what? You mean there is a woman stupid enough to want to have that prat as a husband? Fucking hell - the daft bint, whoever she is.....

Originally posted by Martian Gray > Originally posted by Socrates El Orificio Ectoplasm> Wouldn't mind shagging his missus though !

You what? You mean there is a woman stupid enough to want to have that prat as a husband? Fucking hell - the daft bint, whoever she is.....

She's a model - well worth a look. When their advert comes on the TV I turn the sound off and concentrate on her !

Originally posted by Socrates El Orificio Ectoplasm > Originally posted by Martian Gray> > > > Originally posted by Socrates El Orificio Ectoplasm> > Wouldn't mind shagging his missus though !>

You what? You mean there is a woman stupid enough to want to have that prat as a husband? Fucking hell - the daft bint, whoever she is.....

She's a model - well worth a look. When their advert comes on the TV I turn the sound off and concentrate on her !

You WHAAAAT? She even appears IN A SODDING ADVERT with the flappy-gobbed retard as well? I have to say that that is just verging on the tragic now......

Anyway, each time he comes on in an Advert my remote control cannot flick channels quick enough (as also with that other flappy-gobbed twat Reg Holdsworth likewise) followed in a split second by a few violent expletives uttered in the general direction of the TV screen. Sorry, it's such an automatic reaction that probably explains why I've never really caught so much as a glance at his "bird".

NME ranked jamie oliver below Osama Bin Laden in this years worst people list thingy. Says it all really.

Wholeheartedly agree with you on the Oliver thing. Currently looking for a pic of the "bird" to post.....

Jamie Oliver = TWAT

The man should be shot...

Liv

Originally posted by Keeper Of The Major Key NME ranked jamie oliver below Osama Bin Laden in this years worst people list thingy. Says it all really.

Well, Jamie oliver and the NME should be made for each other - both full of bullshit - so they should all be shot!!!

he annoys the hell out of me. i have no objection to you killing him, preferably in the most painful and humiliating way possible.

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My main man Jeff -

The "wanker" in question can be found on Food Network on his show called "The Naked Chef". Believe me, it's not as erotic as it sounds. Dude is not much to look at. And, the fact that it's been reported here that he's putting the wood to a hottie just proves that you can be a third degree burn victim and still pull chicks...IF...you're famous.

And besides, he's cooking style isn't even that great. Any of the Iron Chefs (even Kobe) would kick his sorry ass.

:headoff: Down with Jamie Oliver! :headoff:

Don't have superexpandedcable in this house, so I don't receive any cooking channels at all, so I was a bit intrigued by this thread.

Did a quick google on Jamie, and I could see how easy it is to be annoyed with this guy. He's even got a spot on his website, where for 60 pounds, he'll send you a "Box Of Treats", and the value for the package does not equal the cost(we're talking about spices, anchovies, one of his books, an apron, etc).

As far as being a musician here's a bit from his bio on the Food Network, or whatever, I forgot the source.

"Jamie's passions are pasta and bread-making. He also plays drums with his high school mates in a band called Scarlet Division. According to Jamie, they sound like a mixture of "Catatonia and Texas with a harder edge."

Oh yeah, his web page is the sort that won't let you return to the previous page when you hit the back button. For that, and for wasting 5 minutes of my life, gotta agree that he deserves to die. I will avoid this cretin at all costs, and I'm sorry Martin that his visage is plastered everywhere for your obvious discomfort.

And his royal Cretinous Unmitigating Nauseating Tosspot's favourite band of all time happens to be TOPLOADER..... FUCKING HELL!!!

......TOP-FUCKING-LOADER!!!! I ASK YOU!!!

That alone gives you more of an insight into him that any amount of criticism or slagging off can ever hope to achieve. Fuck me.... what a grovelling minger of the highest order!!!

TOPLOADER!!!!

Marty, you are indeed a kindred spirit. If you are ever down in London village i will glady meet up with you and take you round to the twats 'gaff' (his words not mine) in Hampstead (lardedar fookin bastard) were we can a right royal house burning

Originally posted by Martian Gray And his royal Cretinous Unmitigating Nauseating Tosspot's favourite band of all time happens to be TOPLOADER..... FUCKING HELL!!! ......TOP-FUCKING-LOADER!!!! I ASK YOU!!! That alone gives you more of an insight into him that any amount of criticism or slagging off can ever hope to achieve. Fuck me.... what a grovelling minger of the highest order!!!TOPLOADER!!!!

It gets worse :( Oliver was the cunt who made Toploader rich by having that shit song with his Sainsburys advert.

Originally posted by Socrates El Orificio Ectoplasm > Originally posted by Martian Gray> And his royal Cretinous Unmitigating Nauseating Tosspot's favourite band of all time happens to be TOPLOADER..... FUCKING HELL!!! > > ......TOP-FUCKING-LOADER!!!! I ASK YOU!!! > > That alone gives you more of an insight into him that any amount of criticism or slagging off can ever hope to achieve. Fuck me.... what a grovelling minger of the highest order!!!> > TOPLOADER!!!!

It gets worse :( Oliver was the cunt who made Toploader rich by having that shit song with his Sainsburys advert.

Jesus Christ, Socrates - you're FUCKING RIGHT TOO!!! GOD I feel sick now!! UGHHHH!!! :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: And I think that bastard song also featured in a few IKEA ads as well - Jeezus Christ!!! THAT FUCKING SONG - HUNG ROUND THE CHARTS LIKE A REALLY STUBBORN TURD THAT SIMPLY REFUSED TO FLUSH ROUND THE FUCKING U-BEND DIDN'T IT?? SO THAT BASTARD IS TO BLAME FOR FOISTING THAT PASTA-FACED NOODLE-HAIRED FUCKWIT AND HIS LAME HALF-ASSED ANODYNE THIRD-RATE SUB-DEAN FRIEDMAN CACK ON OUR COLLECTIVE CONSCIOUSNESS??? FUCK HIM TO HIGH HELL THEN!!!

A duet with that other fuckwit Mr Bin Liddin' awaits: "BIN LIDDIN' MY RIDDIM'" (EP) . New Single to be released on January 2nd 2002 - the official start date of the third and fourth world wars.

Irritatingly Naff Noodle-Haired Muso-Twats (especially those championed by ape-faced walking talking arse-trumpets like Mr Oliver) :headoff: :headoff: :headoff: :headoff: :headoff: :headoff: :headoff: :headoff: :headoff: :headoff:

Here is the COMPLETE TOPLOADER DISCOGRAPHY for all those who have never heard of them:

May 1999- " WE ARE THE TWOTS (HERE COME THE TWOTS)" / "Push Me Harder" / "Mange Tout" (single) (Sony2) August 1999- "NOODLE PARLOUR" / "Scotch Musk" / "Armpit Hair - Please Be There" (single) (Sony2) December 1999- "CHRISTMAS COMES THROUGH MY HAIR" / "Christmas Comes Up My Arse" (single) (Sony2) February 2000- "ONKA'S BIG WILLY WONKA BONKA" (album) (Sony2) April 2000- "I JUST CAN'T GET IT UP (HELP ME)" / "My Pride" /"Jumping Jelly Joss Sticks" (single) (Sony2) July 2000- "DANCIN' IN THE MOONLIGHT" /"Alternate Version"/ (single) (Sony2) September 2000- "DANCIN' IN THE MOONLIGHT" /"Noodle Parlour (Big Onka Remix)" (single CD1) (Sony2) September 2000- "DANCIN' IN THE MOONLIGHT" / "Sweaty Grolluck Blues" / "Jessie" (single CD2) (Sony2) January 2001- "DANCIN' IN THE MOONLIGHT" / "Alternate Mixes" / "Alternate Mixes 3" (single CD1) (Sony 2) January 2001- "DANCIN' IN THE MOONLIGHT" / "(I Got A) Blow Job (From Jamie Oliver)" (single CD2) (Sony2) January 2001- "DANCIN' IN THE MOONLIGHT"/"Sainsbury's House Mix" / "(I Got A) Blow Job (From Jamie Oliver) [Wu-Tang Clan vs The Masters Of Reality Remix] (single CD3) (Sony2) May 2001- "HERPES IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER" (EP) (Sony2) January 2002- "BIN LIDDIN' DIM RIDDIM'" (EP) (Sony2)

And how about this for a truly LAUGHABLE (and genuinely true!) Fact?? The record company were aghast at the singer telling them one day he wanted to have his hair cut off short as he was getting fed up of people either copying him or pointing at him and laughing. They quite seriously put it to him that under NO CIRCUMSTANCES must he do this becasue they regarded his corkscrew curls as a massive selling point as regards the image of the band. CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEEEEEEVE THAT????????

BWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT PLEEEEEZE....YER KILLING ME!!!!!!

:\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke:

Yeah, I do I do - And I've also got a really weally WEALLY WARE JONATHON WOSS WEMIX of that song on a limited edition FWENCH IMPORT!! "PULL-UPS ON THE BUMPER Mix" It's feckin stonking too!

Cor - what a sexy bassline. Just DIG those frooty loops, maaaan!!! MMmm Mmmmm!!!!

Originally posted by Shug I actually bought DITM / I got a blow job (from Jamie Oliver)Very overrated;)Although the second side was good - moaning and groaning to a funky drum-machine...then the immortal lyrics at the end"Oooh Jamie that was sorted & pucker...me ole mucker"HONESTLY;)

Come to think of it, bet you really did as well, but can't bring yerself to admit it now...

Arsewipe!!! You've been rumbled!!!

So , old beloved Celtic were trounced tonight.

How did it feel??

Bet you want that cunt Oliver's head on a slab now don't you???

So how many did you down to drown yer sorrows then, hmmm? ;)

jamie oliver is my pet hate, without doubt, i cant stand him. the scary thing is some people still like the fucker. everytime i slag him off at least one my mates jumps to his defence.."oh but hes soooooo sweet".."he married his childhood sweetheart u know awwww". i need to get away from these people. even more fucking scary, theres a girl i know that fancies the pants off him, she has a jamie oliver video collection to salivate over. :\puke: id rather sleep with boris yeltsin.

I'll second all of these comments, and i'll add a wee squeeze of lemon just to make it a little more bitter! A Sainsbury's lemon of course.

But Seb, you haven't really seen or experienced the magic of the man that we call Jamie Oliver in order to fully understand the homicidal rage and anger he inspires in SO many British people - and not just me - at this moment in time. If you did have a lot of exposure to this charlatan you will then be feeling - and speaking - in exactly the same way that I and others have done on this particular threat, and, believe me, you will. That man inspires SO MUCH hatred it's untrue. But it's a vehicle for a bit of harmless - slanderous! - fun, and that is all there is to it. It's not meant to be taken seriously. And anyway Sebastien, whilst I fully cherish the time I've spent spouting crap on this forum - and mucho respect for providing us with this whole set up - and all the great cyber buddies I have made here in the process, I don't have that long anyway - if you see my signature, you'll realise that my time on this planet WILL indeed be up pretty damn soon - no thanks to the human race. (BTW this little post of mine now explains fully the significance of a previous thread I posted titled "Shit! Everyone's after me and I don't know why..." ) Thank you for listening.

DMG.

(there you go - not one expletive in sight!)

martin, heres a little something that may lift your spirits, i hope. for those of you unfamiliar with cuntface oliver heres a little taster of the level of wrath he inspires. http://uk.geocities.com/juliarockett/webpages/i-hate-jamie-oliver.htm

Absolutely magnificent. VG we salute you for your find :)

Originally posted by velocity girl martin, heres a little something that may lift your spirits, i hope.for those of you unfamiliar with cuntface oliver heres a little taster of the level of wrath he inspires.http://uk.geocities.com/juliarockett/webpages/i-hate-jamie-oliver.htm

Thanks for the link VG, i've registered on the friends reunited thingy in that cute chicks profile, and my god what a motley crew registered from my schools, including some long lost cronies of mine. As for the Oliver piss take, top stuff!

Originally posted by Martian Gray Here is the COMPLETE TOPLOADER DISCOGRAPHY for all those who have never heard of them:May 1999- " WE ARE THE TWOTS (HERE COME THE TWOTS)" / "Push Me Harder" / "Mange Tout" (single) (Sony2)August 1999- "NOODLE PARLOUR" / "Scotch Musk" / "Armpit Hair - Please Be There" (single) (Sony2)December 1999- "CHRISTMAS COMES THROUGH MY HAIR" / "Christmas Comes Up My Arse" (single) (Sony2)February 2000- "ONKA'S BIG WILLY WONKA BONKA" (album) (Sony2)April 2000- "I JUST CAN'T GET IT UP (HELP ME)" / "My Pride" /"Jumping Jelly Joss Sticks" (single) (Sony2)July 2000- "DANCIN' IN THE MOONLIGHT" /"Alternate Version"/ (single) (Sony2)September 2000- "DANCIN' IN THE MOONLIGHT" /"Noodle Parlour (Big Onka Remix)" (single CD1) (Sony2)September 2000- "DANCIN' IN THE MOONLIGHT" / "Sweaty Grolluck Blues" / "Jessie" (single CD2) (Sony2)January 2001- "DANCIN' IN THE MOONLIGHT" / "Alternate Mixes" / "Alternate Mixes 3" (single CD1) (Sony 2)January 2001- "DANCIN' IN THE MOONLIGHT" / "(I Got A) Blow Job (From Jamie Oliver)" (single CD2) (Sony2)January 2001- "DANCIN' IN THE MOONLIGHT"/"Sainsbury's House Mix" / "(I Got A) Blow Job (From Jamie Oliver) [Wu-Tang Clan vs The Masters Of Reality Remix] (single CD3) (Sony2)May 2001- "HERPES IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER" (EP) (Sony2)January 2002- "BIN LIDDIN' DIM RIDDIM'" (EP) (Sony2)And how about this for a truly LAUGHABLE (and genuinely true!) Fact?? The record company were aghast at the singer telling them one day he wanted to have his hair cut off short as he was getting fed up of people either copying him or pointing at him and laughing. They quite seriously put it to him that under NO CIRCUMSTANCES must he do this becasue they regarded his corkscrew curls as a massive selling point as regards the image of the band. CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEEEEEEVE THAT???????? BWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT PLEEEEEZE....YER KILLING ME!!!!!! :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke:

Wow , that was heavy!!! Much as I myself detest that southern jessey Jamie Oliver like any other decent soul would, bringing TOploader into this debate seems just a little bit unfair - seeing as they're such a popluar band at the moment.....

(snigger snigger)

Todd

Hmmm, if a mere tv chef inspires this much ire from Martian, what does he think of actual bad people? Is it possible to have a wee bit too much time on your hands? And if I'm not mistaken, I'm sure I have heard the abysmal Stereolab as background music on his show, rubbing shoulders with the aforementioned Cockloader? Discuss. CTD

Originally posted by Sébastien Boisvert Martin, I'm starting to dream of the day when I'm gonna boot you off this fucking channel, may it be only for overuse of smilies or especially FOR POSTING CONSTANT NONSENSE, NUMEROUS FUCKING ONE-LINERS AND SEVERAL OFF-TOPIC MESSAGES IN 3, 4 OR 5 COPIES FILLED WITH FOUL LANGUAGE AND NEVER, EVER, SPEAKING OF NEW ORDER!!!!!!!If someone wants a recipe on how to reach the 1000 message mark very fast, follow the above and it's a guarantee of success.So why don't you piss off!

Time of the month Seb? Liv

Originally posted by CandyTheDog Hmmm, if a mere tv chef inspires this much ire from Martian, what does he think of actual bad people? Is it possible to have a wee bit too much time on your hands? And if I'm not mistaken, I'm sure I have heard the abysmal Stereolab as background music on his show, rubbing shoulders with the aforementioned Cockloader? Discuss.CTD

Put it this way Muttface - and this is in NO way a criticism of your fair island - it sure beats this retarded backward shithole when it comes to actual quality of life (now you know why I'm so feckin angry most of the time...) , but, the only two great acts to have come from Australia lately are Rolf Harris (respect!) and more recently, The Avalanches (best pop act ever IMHO). And that's a thirty-year gap between them.!!! What have we had in between? Neighbours, Dame Edna Everage, Men At Bleedin Work, INXS, Home and Away, Jason & Kylie, Crap Tribute bands (they started it all, remember??), Paul Hogan, Clive James.....I could go on. I think what Australia needs is an irritating TV chef personality of the calibre of Jamie Twotface so at least you can see first hand what the fuss is all about - then you may perhaps see things a different way. Besides, if it wasn't for the lamentable state of the British/Overseas postage system, I would have wasted no time in sending you a video of that shitehawk Jamie Oliver so you can see him in action just for yourself. The guy is a true phenomenon like no other in recent times.

By the way, I know you hate Stereolab, but so what? We all like different things - see if I'm arsed. Everybody else talks and raves about other bands on this forum, so why the frig can't I?? And you may not even know this, but one of Stereolab is actually Australian - Mary Hansen - she comes from Brisbane. So just simply hearing Stereolab played next to Topwanker says nothing. I mean here we get New Order played next to Westlife and other pappy shite on programmes. So? What profound meaning does that have? Precisely none! And even if Jamie does like the Lab, so what? I still think he's a cunt. There you have it, your request for a discussion done and dusted. I'm off now.....see ya!

Further action in the war against J.Oliver. After our game at Hinckley today was called off (bloody amateurs), we hit a public house. Some knobcheese had put that Toploader bollocks that was patronised by J.Oliver on the jukebox. Suddenly the jukebox appeared to malfunction and switched off, hardly surprising seeing as the power cable had been unplugged. Those who had credit were unimpressed, as was the goon who chose Toploader, but another mission had been satisfactorily completed. Thank you for helping me with my vendetta tonight :)

Sorry, can't reveal details just like that across the net. You never know who's reading these ! Details of the mission will be posted once it has been completed. It is likely to be in 2001 though.

Put it this way Muttface - and this is in NO way a criticism of your fair island - it sure beats this retarded backward shithole when it comes to actual quality of life (now you know why I'm so feckin angry most of the time...) , but, the only two great acts to have come from Australia lately are Rolf Harris (respect!) and more recently, The Avalanches (best pop act ever IMHO). And that's a thirty-year gap between them.!!! What have we had in between? Neighbours, Dame Edna Everage, Men At Bleedin Work, INXS, Home and Away, Jason & Kylie, Crap Tribute bands (they started it all, remember??), Paul Hogan, Clive James.....I could go on. I think what Australia needs is an irritating TV chef personality of the calibre of Jamie Twotface so at least you can see first hand what the fuss is all about - then you may perhaps see things a different way. Besides, if it wasn't for the lamentable state of the British/Overseas postage system, I would have wasted no time in sending you a video of that shitehawk Jamie Oliver so you can see him in action just for yourself. The guy is a true phenomenon like no other in recent times.

By the way, I know you hate Stereolab, but so what? We all like different things - see if I'm arsed. Everybody else talks and raves about other bands on this forum, so why the frig can't I?? And you may not even know this, but one of Stereolab is actually Australian - Mary Hansen - she comes from Brisbane. So just simply hearing Stereolab played next to Topwanker says nothing. I mean here we get New Order played next to Westlife and other pappy shite on programmes. So? What profound meaning does that have? Precisely none! And even if Jamie does like the Lab, so what? I still think he's a cunt. There you have it, your request for a discussion done and dusted. I'm off now.....see ya!

OK Marty (aka t.h.e.m.a.n.i.n.c.a.c.k) - the gloves are off!

Whilst Muttface is a very charming moniker, I'd prefer CTD, if it's not too much trouble. It's not hard to remember, and is easier to spell. As an aussie, I take no responsibility for Rolf or any of the others you mentioned , just like you don't take responsibility for Toplader or me ol' mate Naked, who is MASSIVE down here, BTW, and we have more than enough truly shite tv chefs here anyway, thank you very much. As for Stereolab, I don't hate them (I've quite liked what I've heard, but not enough to buy anything yet)- I just wanted to stir you up a bit. You seem the easily agitated type. Anyway, now that's sorted, I hereby invite you to our shores where you can come and see our heroes perform in January, experience our devastating lack of culture, see kangaroos in the street, drink like a fish, and all the other stereotypes that people associate with Aust. I'll buy you a pint or seven. Cheer up, and don't go changin' CTD

Put it this way Muttface - and this is in NO way a criticism of your fair island - it sure beats this retarded backward shithole when it comes to actual quality of life (now you know why I'm so feckin angry most of the time...) , but, the only two great acts to have come from Australia lately are Rolf Harris (respect!) and more recently, The Avalanches (best pop act ever IMHO). And that's a thirty-year gap between them.!!! What have we had in between? Neighbours, Dame Edna Everage, Men At Bleedin Work, INXS, Home and Away, Jason & Kylie, Crap Tribute bands (they started it all, remember??), Paul Hogan, Clive James.....I could go on. I think what Australia needs is an irritating TV chef personality of the calibre of Jamie Twotface so at least you can see first hand what the fuss is all about - then you may perhaps see things a different way. Besides, if it wasn't for the lamentable state of the British/Overseas postage system, I would have wasted no time in sending you a video of that shitehawk Jamie Oliver so you can see him in action just for yourself. The guy is a true phenomenon like no other in recent times.

By the way, I know you hate Stereolab, but so what? We all like different things - see if I'm arsed. Everybody else talks and raves about other bands on this forum, so why the frig can't I?? And you may not even know this, but one of Stereolab is actually Australian - Mary Hansen - she comes from Brisbane. So just simply hearing Stereolab played next to Topwanker says nothing. I mean here we get New Order played next to Westlife and other pappy shite on programmes. So? What profound meaning does that have? Precisely none! And even if Jamie does like the Lab, so what? I still think he's a cunt. There you have it, your request for a discussion done and dusted. I'm off now.....see ya!

OK Marty (aka t.h.e.m.a.n.i.n.c.a.c.k) - the gloves are off!

Whilst Muttface is a very charming moniker, I'd prefer CTD, if it's not too much trouble. It's not hard to remember, and is easier to spell. As an aussie, I take no responsibility for Rolf or any of the others you mentioned , just like you don't take responsibility for Toplader or me ol' mate Naked, who is MASSIVE down here, BTW, and we have more than enough truly shite tv chefs here anyway, thank you very much. As for Stereolab, I don't hate them (I've quite liked what I've heard, but not enough to buy anything yet)- I just wanted to stir you up a bit. You seem the easily agitated type. Anyway, now that's sorted, I hereby invite you to our shores where you can come and see our heroes perform in January, experience our devastating lack of culture, see kangaroos in the street, drink like a fish, and all the other stereotypes that people associate with Aust. I'll buy you a pint or seven. Cheer up, and don't go changin' CTD

Put it this way Muttface - and this is in NO way a criticism of your fair island - it sure beats this retarded backward shithole when it comes to actual quality of life (now you know why I'm so feckin angry most of the time...) , but, the only two great acts to have come from Australia lately are Rolf Harris (respect!) and more recently, The Avalanches (best pop act ever IMHO). And that's a thirty-year gap between them.!!! What have we had in between? Neighbours, Dame Edna Everage, Men At Bleedin Work, INXS, Home and Away, Jason & Kylie, Crap Tribute bands (they started it all, remember??), Paul Hogan, Clive James.....I could go on. I think what Australia needs is an irritating TV chef personality of the calibre of Jamie Twotface so at least you can see first hand what the fuss is all about - then you may perhaps see things a different way. Besides, if it wasn't for the lamentable state of the British/Overseas postage system, I would have wasted no time in sending you a video of that shitehawk Jamie Oliver so you can see him in action just for yourself. The guy is a true phenomenon like no other in recent times.

By the way, I know you hate Stereolab, but so what? We all like different things - see if I'm arsed. Everybody else talks and raves about other bands on this forum, so why the frig can't I?? And you may not even know this, but one of Stereolab is actually Australian - Mary Hansen - she comes from Brisbane. So just simply hearing Stereolab played next to Topwanker says nothing. I mean here we get New Order played next to Westlife and other pappy shite on programmes. So? What profound meaning does that have? Precisely none! And even if Jamie does like the Lab, so what? I still think he's a cunt. There you have it, your request for a discussion done and dusted. I'm off now.....see ya!

OK Marty (aka t.h.e.m.a.n.i.n.c.a.c.k) - the gloves are off!

Whilst Muttface is a very charming moniker, I'd prefer CTD, if it's not too much trouble. It's not hard to remember, and is easier to spell. As an aussie, I take no responsibility for Rolf or any of the others you mentioned , just like you don't take responsibility for Toplader or me ol' mate Naked, who is MASSIVE down here, BTW, and we have more than enough truly shite tv chefs here anyway, thank you very much. As for Stereolab, I don't hate them (I've quite liked what I've heard, but not enough to buy anything yet)- I just wanted to stir you up a bit. You seem the easily agitated type. Anyway, now that's sorted, I hereby invite you to our shores where you can come and see our heroes perform in January, experience our devastating lack of culture, see kangaroos in the street, drink like a fish, and all the other stereotypes that people associate with Aust. I'll buy you a pint or seven. Cheer up, and don't go changin' CTD

I suppose this is a bit like when you buy a new car, then you suddenly see a lot of them about. Well, until a few days ago, I hadn't heard of this JO fellow at all, but today, I noticed that he has a calendar for sale here in the States, and his show was on the TV in the kitchen of a restaurant I went to today. Lovely, just perfect.

Originally posted by Shug CTD - you've gotta hand it to him - It WAS funny as fuck mate But he's fucked off again, so that message of yours was probably in vain mate;)

Yeah - noticed he'd pissed off again. Funny - I seem to have that effect on people, can't understand why. Anyone else here easy to wind up? CTD

By the way folks - like I may have mentioned on another thread of Martys - I was fortunate / unfortunate (tee hee) enough to share a jar or two with him just before Christmas and for the record our friend Martian is adamant that that is it - there will be no more rantings, profanities, or pearls of warped wisdom uttered forth from his mighty poison pen any more. Fuck - not even the sporadic mention of Sarah Cracknell on two threads elsewhere (thanks for sharing that one with us, Socrates - I mean about Sarah's baby - fuck me, I didn't know about that one!!!The jammy bastard! ) will entice him back - and that believe me usually does the trick anyway - he really has decided to mothball his dagger. So I guess I'll have to do as his replacement. Or not. Ho ho ho.... But then again, who the fuck can ramble on quite as much as HE does? I think he will be sorely missed. Then again, perhaps not.

By the way - am I the only onliner here who is lucky enough to have achieved what some of you here could only have dreamed of: actually spotting Jamie Oliver in the [creepcrawly] flesh and shouting "TWAT!!!" at him across a crowded Waterstones Bookshop Foyer (in Leeds - earlier this year on his "book-signing tour" of the UK) much to the utter disgust and annoyance of his poor misguided studenty followers.???

Honoured or what??!!

Respect

I would like to state, for the record, that the phrase "cretious tosspot" is one of the funniest put downs of all time.

:headoff: Down with Jamie Oliver :headoff:

Well, guess what - i was at Waterstones in Wakefield today just browsing around as usual, and managed to pick up a greart book on punk with loads of pics/articles of Manchester (Buzzcocks, Fall, Warsaw/Joy Div), as as I went to pay at the cash desk, what do I see but two girls standing in the queue in front clutching the new Jamie Oliver cookbook !!! So, it 's true about it being impossible to escape the cocky get's face plastered all over the place at the moment. You lot in america don't know how lucky you are!

Todd

Originally posted by Todd Bendy (aka Ben Sweeney) Well, guess what - i was at Waterstones in Wakefield today just browsing around as usual, and managed to pick up a greart book on punk with loads of pics/articles of Manchester (Buzzcocks, Fall, Warsaw/Joy Div), as as I went to pay at the cash desk, what do I see but two girls standing in the queue in front clutching the new Jamie Oliver cookbook !!! So, it 's true about it being impossible to escape the cocky get's face plastered all over the place at the moment. You lot in america don't know how lucky you are! Todd

I hope you put thenm right !?

I am getting pretty curious about this Jamie Oliver character. I know his show is on Dutch television, but I don't think anyone watches it. I am going to check it out just to see what the fuzz is all about.

Originally posted by Coen van der Voort I am getting pretty curious about this Jamie Oliver character. I know his show is on Dutch television, but I don't think anyone watches it. I am going to check it out just to see what the fuzz is all about.

Are you sure Coen ? Don't do it alone though - make sure you have someone there with you to lessen the burden. It really is that awful an experience :)

Originally posted by Nigel Spleen Are you sure Coen ? Don't do it alone though - make sure you have someone there with you to lessen the burden. It really is that awful an experience :)

Or some unwanted crockery close at hand, so you can throw them at the telly when he starts getting on your tits....

Todd

Well blow me if Ididn't realise that there was a whole topic devoted to hurling the shit at the man we all love to hate - Jamie!!! Whooopeee!!! This is good. Most heartening indeed!! Arf! Arf!! I say - I'd recommend hiring someone and paying them most handsomely to play the undercover mole just to break into the evil gimp's pad late one night , forcefully abduct him, and drag him screaming to the nearest stocks (St Austell's old village green will do wonders...), just so discerning members of the public can pelt him with as much rotten produce (his own recipes, preferably), cowpats, animal entrails, unwanted Toploader CDs, stones and half-bricks as they can possibly lay their mitts on in an unbridled display of universal affection for the guy - obviuosly.....oh the pure exhilarating joy of it all!! Oh yes indeed.....

C'mon moy dears - there must be others here who adore (fantasising about inflicting serious gbh on) the man as much as we do.....please make your presence felt and join in the fun and games!!!

Yeah, let's - whilst he's still plastering his gormless fizzog all over the place. He really does have one of those most punchable faces in "showbiz" doesn't he? What a c***! If he came up to my neck of the woods., I'm sure me and a few mates would not hesitate in making his "book signing" or whatever the hell it is he drops into bookshops for these days, an event he won't forget. What a utter shitehawk! What is it with TV chefs these days? Ainsley, Gary, Fatbastard whatsisname, that posh bint, and now this fuckwit!! Let the character assassinations continue!