JAMIE OLIVER - CRETINOUS TOSSPOT : WE SALUTE YOU!!!

A special festive bulletin in honour of the man who must surely be the nation's Number 1 King Size Bell End.

Lately whilst browsing round town thru all the bookshops as is my wont, my senses are being well and truly assaulted by UNBELIEVABLE numbers of FUCKING BASTARD JAMIE OLIVER Christmas cash-in cookbooks and diaries and god-only-knows-what else all with his fucking hideous retarded simian features grimacing from the covers. Is it just me or does anyone else harbour a pathological hatred, verging on the homicidal, of this hideously overpampered spoilt twatty public schoolboy excuse for a celebrity being plastered almost every where you care to look - on TV, in magazines, in bookshops, newspaper supplements, in lifestyle and music mags, not to mention popping up unexpectedly from beneath the toilet bowl lid and scaring the living daylights out of old incontinent men and women who just want to have a cack in peace.??

Please don't tell me that there are any "fans" on this message board who champion this grotesquely overrated, untalented charlatan whose main purpose is just to piss off everybody with any semblance of taste. I mean, he even "moonlights" as a drummer in his own spastic dogbreath attempt at a rock band for fuck's sake, just to show us that - hey! - he too is in touch with his 'cock'n'bull' side just like us!! Wow! That's radical!!

I think someone should storm the TV studio when he next makes a special "guest appearance", do the decent thing and sieze hold of the smug twat roughly by his ears, rub melted garlic butter and vinegar into his eyes, plug a few peppered courgettes up his fucking coke-sniffing nostrils, stuff his flapping cakehole with ginger and parsley then shove him head first into the biggest wok they can find and them flambé the bastard for about thirty minutes or until his smug greasy chops bubble til they burst. Fucking hell - definitely a contender for the most annoying person on TV and everywhere else. So, give the lad a break for Christmas - start with every bleeding bone in his scrawny pig-fucking body......Tosser.

Kill!! Kill!! Kill!!! :headoff: :headoff:

And perhaps only after we've disposed of this wretched specimen's rancid festering carcass can we then all sleep soundly in our beds again.

Wouldn't mind shagging his missus though !

Originally posted by Socrates El Orificio Ectoplasm Wouldn't mind shagging his missus though !

You what? You mean there is a woman stupid enough to want to have that prat as a husband? Fucking hell - the daft bint, whoever she is.....

Originally posted by Martian Gray > Originally posted by Socrates El Orificio Ectoplasm> Wouldn't mind shagging his missus though !

You what? You mean there is a woman stupid enough to want to have that prat as a husband? Fucking hell - the daft bint, whoever she is.....

She's a model - well worth a look. When their advert comes on the TV I turn the sound off and concentrate on her !

Originally posted by Socrates El Orificio Ectoplasm > Originally posted by Martian Gray> > > > Originally posted by Socrates El Orificio Ectoplasm> > Wouldn't mind shagging his missus though !>

You what? You mean there is a woman stupid enough to want to have that prat as a husband? Fucking hell - the daft bint, whoever she is.....

She's a model - well worth a look. When their advert comes on the TV I turn the sound off and concentrate on her !

You WHAAAAT? She even appears IN A SODDING ADVERT with the flappy-gobbed retard as well? I have to say that that is just verging on the tragic now......

Anyway, each time he comes on in an Advert my remote control cannot flick channels quick enough (as also with that other flappy-gobbed twat Reg Holdsworth likewise) followed in a split second by a few violent expletives uttered in the general direction of the TV screen. Sorry, it's such an automatic reaction that probably explains why I've never really caught so much as a glance at his "bird".

NME ranked jamie oliver below Osama Bin Laden in this years worst people list thingy. Says it all really.

Wholeheartedly agree with you on the Oliver thing. Currently looking for a pic of the "bird" to post.....

Jamie Oliver = TWAT

The man should be shot...

Liv

Originally posted by Keeper Of The Major Key NME ranked jamie oliver below Osama Bin Laden in this years worst people list thingy. Says it all really.

Well, Jamie oliver and the NME should be made for each other - both full of bullshit - so they should all be shot!!!

he annoys the hell out of me. i have no objection to you killing him, preferably in the most painful and humiliating way possible.

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My main man Jeff -

The "wanker" in question can be found on Food Network on his show called "The Naked Chef". Believe me, it's not as erotic as it sounds. Dude is not much to look at. And, the fact that it's been reported here that he's putting the wood to a hottie just proves that you can be a third degree burn victim and still pull chicks...IF...you're famous.

And besides, he's cooking style isn't even that great. Any of the Iron Chefs (even Kobe) would kick his sorry ass.

:headoff: Down with Jamie Oliver! :headoff:

Don't have superexpandedcable in this house, so I don't receive any cooking channels at all, so I was a bit intrigued by this thread.

Did a quick google on Jamie, and I could see how easy it is to be annoyed with this guy. He's even got a spot on his website, where for 60 pounds, he'll send you a "Box Of Treats", and the value for the package does not equal the cost(we're talking about spices, anchovies, one of his books, an apron, etc).

As far as being a musician here's a bit from his bio on the Food Network, or whatever, I forgot the source.

"Jamie's passions are pasta and bread-making. He also plays drums with his high school mates in a band called Scarlet Division. According to Jamie, they sound like a mixture of "Catatonia and Texas with a harder edge."

Oh yeah, his web page is the sort that won't let you return to the previous page when you hit the back button. For that, and for wasting 5 minutes of my life, gotta agree that he deserves to die. I will avoid this cretin at all costs, and I'm sorry Martin that his visage is plastered everywhere for your obvious discomfort.

And his royal Cretinous Unmitigating Nauseating Tosspot's favourite band of all time happens to be TOPLOADER..... FUCKING HELL!!!

......TOP-FUCKING-LOADER!!!! I ASK YOU!!!

That alone gives you more of an insight into him that any amount of criticism or slagging off can ever hope to achieve. Fuck me.... what a grovelling minger of the highest order!!!

TOPLOADER!!!!

Marty, you are indeed a kindred spirit. If you are ever down in London village i will glady meet up with you and take you round to the twats 'gaff' (his words not mine) in Hampstead (lardedar fookin bastard) were we can a right royal house burning

Originally posted by Martian Gray And his royal Cretinous Unmitigating Nauseating Tosspot's favourite band of all time happens to be TOPLOADER..... FUCKING HELL!!! ......TOP-FUCKING-LOADER!!!! I ASK YOU!!! That alone gives you more of an insight into him that any amount of criticism or slagging off can ever hope to achieve. Fuck me.... what a grovelling minger of the highest order!!!TOPLOADER!!!!

It gets worse :( Oliver was the cunt who made Toploader rich by having that shit song with his Sainsburys advert.

Originally posted by Socrates El Orificio Ectoplasm > Originally posted by Martian Gray> And his royal Cretinous Unmitigating Nauseating Tosspot's favourite band of all time happens to be TOPLOADER..... FUCKING HELL!!! > > ......TOP-FUCKING-LOADER!!!! I ASK YOU!!! > > That alone gives you more of an insight into him that any amount of criticism or slagging off can ever hope to achieve. Fuck me.... what a grovelling minger of the highest order!!!> > TOPLOADER!!!!

It gets worse :( Oliver was the cunt who made Toploader rich by having that shit song with his Sainsburys advert.

Jesus Christ, Socrates - you're FUCKING RIGHT TOO!!! GOD I feel sick now!! UGHHHH!!! :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: And I think that bastard song also featured in a few IKEA ads as well - Jeezus Christ!!! THAT FUCKING SONG - HUNG ROUND THE CHARTS LIKE A REALLY STUBBORN TURD THAT SIMPLY REFUSED TO FLUSH ROUND THE FUCKING U-BEND DIDN'T IT?? SO THAT BASTARD IS TO BLAME FOR FOISTING THAT PASTA-FACED NOODLE-HAIRED FUCKWIT AND HIS LAME HALF-ASSED ANODYNE THIRD-RATE SUB-DEAN FRIEDMAN CACK ON OUR COLLECTIVE CONSCIOUSNESS??? FUCK HIM TO HIGH HELL THEN!!!

A duet with that other fuckwit Mr Bin Liddin' awaits: "BIN LIDDIN' MY RIDDIM'" (EP) . New Single to be released on January 2nd 2002 - the official start date of the third and fourth world wars.

Irritatingly Naff Noodle-Haired Muso-Twats (especially those championed by ape-faced walking talking arse-trumpets like Mr Oliver) :headoff: :headoff: :headoff: :headoff: :headoff: :headoff: :headoff: :headoff: :headoff: :headoff:

Here is the COMPLETE TOPLOADER DISCOGRAPHY for all those who have never heard of them:

May 1999- " WE ARE THE TWOTS (HERE COME THE TWOTS)" / "Push Me Harder" / "Mange Tout" (single) (Sony2) August 1999- "NOODLE PARLOUR" / "Scotch Musk" / "Armpit Hair - Please Be There" (single) (Sony2) December 1999- "CHRISTMAS COMES THROUGH MY HAIR" / "Christmas Comes Up My Arse" (single) (Sony2) February 2000- "ONKA'S BIG WILLY WONKA BONKA" (album) (Sony2) April 2000- "I JUST CAN'T GET IT UP (HELP ME)" / "My Pride" /"Jumping Jelly Joss Sticks" (single) (Sony2) July 2000- "DANCIN' IN THE MOONLIGHT" /"Alternate Version"/ (single) (Sony2) September 2000- "DANCIN' IN THE MOONLIGHT" /"Noodle Parlour (Big Onka Remix)" (single CD1) (Sony2) September 2000- "DANCIN' IN THE MOONLIGHT" / "Sweaty Grolluck Blues" / "Jessie" (single CD2) (Sony2) January 2001- "DANCIN' IN THE MOONLIGHT" / "Alternate Mixes" / "Alternate Mixes 3" (single CD1) (Sony 2) January 2001- "DANCIN' IN THE MOONLIGHT" / "(I Got A) Blow Job (From Jamie Oliver)" (single CD2) (Sony2) January 2001- "DANCIN' IN THE MOONLIGHT"/"Sainsbury's House Mix" / "(I Got A) Blow Job (From Jamie Oliver) [Wu-Tang Clan vs The Masters Of Reality Remix] (single CD3) (Sony2) May 2001- "HERPES IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER" (EP) (Sony2) January 2002- "BIN LIDDIN' DIM RIDDIM'" (EP) (Sony2)

And how about this for a truly LAUGHABLE (and genuinely true!) Fact?? The record company were aghast at the singer telling them one day he wanted to have his hair cut off short as he was getting fed up of people either copying him or pointing at him and laughing. They quite seriously put it to him that under NO CIRCUMSTANCES must he do this becasue they regarded his corkscrew curls as a massive selling point as regards the image of the band. CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEEEEEEVE THAT????????

BWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT PLEEEEEZE....YER KILLING ME!!!!!!

:\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke:

Yeah, I do I do - And I've also got a really weally WEALLY WARE JONATHON WOSS WEMIX of that song on a limited edition FWENCH IMPORT!! "PULL-UPS ON THE BUMPER Mix" It's feckin stonking too!

Cor - what a sexy bassline. Just DIG those frooty loops, maaaan!!! MMmm Mmmmm!!!!

Originally posted by Shug I actually bought DITM / I got a blow job (from Jamie Oliver)Very overrated;)Although the second side was good - moaning and groaning to a funky drum-machine...then the immortal lyrics at the end"Oooh Jamie that was sorted & pucker...me ole mucker"HONESTLY;)

Come to think of it, bet you really did as well, but can't bring yerself to admit it now...

Arsewipe!!! You've been rumbled!!!

So , old beloved Celtic were trounced tonight.

How did it feel??

Bet you want that cunt Oliver's head on a slab now don't you???

So how many did you down to drown yer sorrows then, hmmm? ;)