JAMIE OLIVER - CRETINOUS TOSSPOT : WE SALUTE YOU!!!

jamie oliver is my pet hate, without doubt, i cant stand him. the scary thing is some people still like the fucker. everytime i slag him off at least one my mates jumps to his defence.."oh but hes soooooo sweet".."he married his childhood sweetheart u know awwww". i need to get away from these people. even more fucking scary, theres a girl i know that fancies the pants off him, she has a jamie oliver video collection to salivate over. :\puke: id rather sleep with boris yeltsin.

I'll second all of these comments, and i'll add a wee squeeze of lemon just to make it a little more bitter! A Sainsbury's lemon of course.

But Seb, you haven't really seen or experienced the magic of the man that we call Jamie Oliver in order to fully understand the homicidal rage and anger he inspires in SO many British people - and not just me - at this moment in time. If you did have a lot of exposure to this charlatan you will then be feeling - and speaking - in exactly the same way that I and others have done on this particular threat, and, believe me, you will. That man inspires SO MUCH hatred it's untrue. But it's a vehicle for a bit of harmless - slanderous! - fun, and that is all there is to it. It's not meant to be taken seriously. And anyway Sebastien, whilst I fully cherish the time I've spent spouting crap on this forum - and mucho respect for providing us with this whole set up - and all the great cyber buddies I have made here in the process, I don't have that long anyway - if you see my signature, you'll realise that my time on this planet WILL indeed be up pretty damn soon - no thanks to the human race. (BTW this little post of mine now explains fully the significance of a previous thread I posted titled "Shit! Everyone's after me and I don't know why..." ) Thank you for listening.

DMG.

(there you go - not one expletive in sight!)

martin, heres a little something that may lift your spirits, i hope. for those of you unfamiliar with cuntface oliver heres a little taster of the level of wrath he inspires. http://uk.geocities.com/juliarockett/webpages/i-hate-jamie-oliver.htm

Absolutely magnificent. VG we salute you for your find :)

Originally posted by velocity girl martin, heres a little something that may lift your spirits, i hope.for those of you unfamiliar with cuntface oliver heres a little taster of the level of wrath he inspires.http://uk.geocities.com/juliarockett/webpages/i-hate-jamie-oliver.htm

Thanks for the link VG, i've registered on the friends reunited thingy in that cute chicks profile, and my god what a motley crew registered from my schools, including some long lost cronies of mine. As for the Oliver piss take, top stuff!

Originally posted by Martian Gray Here is the COMPLETE TOPLOADER DISCOGRAPHY for all those who have never heard of them:May 1999- " WE ARE THE TWOTS (HERE COME THE TWOTS)" / "Push Me Harder" / "Mange Tout" (single) (Sony2)August 1999- "NOODLE PARLOUR" / "Scotch Musk" / "Armpit Hair - Please Be There" (single) (Sony2)December 1999- "CHRISTMAS COMES THROUGH MY HAIR" / "Christmas Comes Up My Arse" (single) (Sony2)February 2000- "ONKA'S BIG WILLY WONKA BONKA" (album) (Sony2)April 2000- "I JUST CAN'T GET IT UP (HELP ME)" / "My Pride" /"Jumping Jelly Joss Sticks" (single) (Sony2)July 2000- "DANCIN' IN THE MOONLIGHT" /"Alternate Version"/ (single) (Sony2)September 2000- "DANCIN' IN THE MOONLIGHT" /"Noodle Parlour (Big Onka Remix)" (single CD1) (Sony2)September 2000- "DANCIN' IN THE MOONLIGHT" / "Sweaty Grolluck Blues" / "Jessie" (single CD2) (Sony2)January 2001- "DANCIN' IN THE MOONLIGHT" / "Alternate Mixes" / "Alternate Mixes 3" (single CD1) (Sony 2)January 2001- "DANCIN' IN THE MOONLIGHT" / "(I Got A) Blow Job (From Jamie Oliver)" (single CD2) (Sony2)January 2001- "DANCIN' IN THE MOONLIGHT"/"Sainsbury's House Mix" / "(I Got A) Blow Job (From Jamie Oliver) [Wu-Tang Clan vs The Masters Of Reality Remix] (single CD3) (Sony2)May 2001- "HERPES IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER" (EP) (Sony2)January 2002- "BIN LIDDIN' DIM RIDDIM'" (EP) (Sony2)And how about this for a truly LAUGHABLE (and genuinely true!) Fact?? The record company were aghast at the singer telling them one day he wanted to have his hair cut off short as he was getting fed up of people either copying him or pointing at him and laughing. They quite seriously put it to him that under NO CIRCUMSTANCES must he do this becasue they regarded his corkscrew curls as a massive selling point as regards the image of the band. CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEEEEEEVE THAT???????? BWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT PLEEEEEZE....YER KILLING ME!!!!!! :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke: :\puke:

Wow , that was heavy!!! Much as I myself detest that southern jessey Jamie Oliver like any other decent soul would, bringing TOploader into this debate seems just a little bit unfair - seeing as they're such a popluar band at the moment.....

(snigger snigger)

Todd

Hmmm, if a mere tv chef inspires this much ire from Martian, what does he think of actual bad people? Is it possible to have a wee bit too much time on your hands? And if I'm not mistaken, I'm sure I have heard the abysmal Stereolab as background music on his show, rubbing shoulders with the aforementioned Cockloader? Discuss. CTD

Originally posted by Sébastien Boisvert Martin, I'm starting to dream of the day when I'm gonna boot you off this fucking channel, may it be only for overuse of smilies or especially FOR POSTING CONSTANT NONSENSE, NUMEROUS FUCKING ONE-LINERS AND SEVERAL OFF-TOPIC MESSAGES IN 3, 4 OR 5 COPIES FILLED WITH FOUL LANGUAGE AND NEVER, EVER, SPEAKING OF NEW ORDER!!!!!!!If someone wants a recipe on how to reach the 1000 message mark very fast, follow the above and it's a guarantee of success.So why don't you piss off!

Time of the month Seb? Liv

Originally posted by CandyTheDog Hmmm, if a mere tv chef inspires this much ire from Martian, what does he think of actual bad people? Is it possible to have a wee bit too much time on your hands? And if I'm not mistaken, I'm sure I have heard the abysmal Stereolab as background music on his show, rubbing shoulders with the aforementioned Cockloader? Discuss.CTD

Put it this way Muttface - and this is in NO way a criticism of your fair island - it sure beats this retarded backward shithole when it comes to actual quality of life (now you know why I'm so feckin angry most of the time...) , but, the only two great acts to have come from Australia lately are Rolf Harris (respect!) and more recently, The Avalanches (best pop act ever IMHO). And that's a thirty-year gap between them.!!! What have we had in between? Neighbours, Dame Edna Everage, Men At Bleedin Work, INXS, Home and Away, Jason & Kylie, Crap Tribute bands (they started it all, remember??), Paul Hogan, Clive James.....I could go on. I think what Australia needs is an irritating TV chef personality of the calibre of Jamie Twotface so at least you can see first hand what the fuss is all about - then you may perhaps see things a different way. Besides, if it wasn't for the lamentable state of the British/Overseas postage system, I would have wasted no time in sending you a video of that shitehawk Jamie Oliver so you can see him in action just for yourself. The guy is a true phenomenon like no other in recent times.

By the way, I know you hate Stereolab, but so what? We all like different things - see if I'm arsed. Everybody else talks and raves about other bands on this forum, so why the frig can't I?? And you may not even know this, but one of Stereolab is actually Australian - Mary Hansen - she comes from Brisbane. So just simply hearing Stereolab played next to Topwanker says nothing. I mean here we get New Order played next to Westlife and other pappy shite on programmes. So? What profound meaning does that have? Precisely none! And even if Jamie does like the Lab, so what? I still think he's a cunt. There you have it, your request for a discussion done and dusted. I'm off now.....see ya!

Further action in the war against J.Oliver. After our game at Hinckley today was called off (bloody amateurs), we hit a public house. Some knobcheese had put that Toploader bollocks that was patronised by J.Oliver on the jukebox. Suddenly the jukebox appeared to malfunction and switched off, hardly surprising seeing as the power cable had been unplugged. Those who had credit were unimpressed, as was the goon who chose Toploader, but another mission had been satisfactorily completed. Thank you for helping me with my vendetta tonight :)

Sorry, can't reveal details just like that across the net. You never know who's reading these ! Details of the mission will be posted once it has been completed. It is likely to be in 2001 though.

Put it this way Muttface - and this is in NO way a criticism of your fair island - it sure beats this retarded backward shithole when it comes to actual quality of life (now you know why I'm so feckin angry most of the time...) , but, the only two great acts to have come from Australia lately are Rolf Harris (respect!) and more recently, The Avalanches (best pop act ever IMHO). And that's a thirty-year gap between them.!!! What have we had in between? Neighbours, Dame Edna Everage, Men At Bleedin Work, INXS, Home and Away, Jason & Kylie, Crap Tribute bands (they started it all, remember??), Paul Hogan, Clive James.....I could go on. I think what Australia needs is an irritating TV chef personality of the calibre of Jamie Twotface so at least you can see first hand what the fuss is all about - then you may perhaps see things a different way. Besides, if it wasn't for the lamentable state of the British/Overseas postage system, I would have wasted no time in sending you a video of that shitehawk Jamie Oliver so you can see him in action just for yourself. The guy is a true phenomenon like no other in recent times.

By the way, I know you hate Stereolab, but so what? We all like different things - see if I'm arsed. Everybody else talks and raves about other bands on this forum, so why the frig can't I?? And you may not even know this, but one of Stereolab is actually Australian - Mary Hansen - she comes from Brisbane. So just simply hearing Stereolab played next to Topwanker says nothing. I mean here we get New Order played next to Westlife and other pappy shite on programmes. So? What profound meaning does that have? Precisely none! And even if Jamie does like the Lab, so what? I still think he's a cunt. There you have it, your request for a discussion done and dusted. I'm off now.....see ya!

OK Marty (aka t.h.e.m.a.n.i.n.c.a.c.k) - the gloves are off!

Whilst Muttface is a very charming moniker, I'd prefer CTD, if it's not too much trouble. It's not hard to remember, and is easier to spell. As an aussie, I take no responsibility for Rolf or any of the others you mentioned , just like you don't take responsibility for Toplader or me ol' mate Naked, who is MASSIVE down here, BTW, and we have more than enough truly shite tv chefs here anyway, thank you very much. As for Stereolab, I don't hate them (I've quite liked what I've heard, but not enough to buy anything yet)- I just wanted to stir you up a bit. You seem the easily agitated type. Anyway, now that's sorted, I hereby invite you to our shores where you can come and see our heroes perform in January, experience our devastating lack of culture, see kangaroos in the street, drink like a fish, and all the other stereotypes that people associate with Aust. I'll buy you a pint or seven. Cheer up, and don't go changin' CTD

Put it this way Muttface - and this is in NO way a criticism of your fair island - it sure beats this retarded backward shithole when it comes to actual quality of life (now you know why I'm so feckin angry most of the time...) , but, the only two great acts to have come from Australia lately are Rolf Harris (respect!) and more recently, The Avalanches (best pop act ever IMHO). And that's a thirty-year gap between them.!!! What have we had in between? Neighbours, Dame Edna Everage, Men At Bleedin Work, INXS, Home and Away, Jason & Kylie, Crap Tribute bands (they started it all, remember??), Paul Hogan, Clive James.....I could go on. I think what Australia needs is an irritating TV chef personality of the calibre of Jamie Twotface so at least you can see first hand what the fuss is all about - then you may perhaps see things a different way. Besides, if it wasn't for the lamentable state of the British/Overseas postage system, I would have wasted no time in sending you a video of that shitehawk Jamie Oliver so you can see him in action just for yourself. The guy is a true phenomenon like no other in recent times.

By the way, I know you hate Stereolab, but so what? We all like different things - see if I'm arsed. Everybody else talks and raves about other bands on this forum, so why the frig can't I?? And you may not even know this, but one of Stereolab is actually Australian - Mary Hansen - she comes from Brisbane. So just simply hearing Stereolab played next to Topwanker says nothing. I mean here we get New Order played next to Westlife and other pappy shite on programmes. So? What profound meaning does that have? Precisely none! And even if Jamie does like the Lab, so what? I still think he's a cunt. There you have it, your request for a discussion done and dusted. I'm off now.....see ya!

OK Marty (aka t.h.e.m.a.n.i.n.c.a.c.k) - the gloves are off!

Whilst Muttface is a very charming moniker, I'd prefer CTD, if it's not too much trouble. It's not hard to remember, and is easier to spell. As an aussie, I take no responsibility for Rolf or any of the others you mentioned , just like you don't take responsibility for Toplader or me ol' mate Naked, who is MASSIVE down here, BTW, and we have more than enough truly shite tv chefs here anyway, thank you very much. As for Stereolab, I don't hate them (I've quite liked what I've heard, but not enough to buy anything yet)- I just wanted to stir you up a bit. You seem the easily agitated type. Anyway, now that's sorted, I hereby invite you to our shores where you can come and see our heroes perform in January, experience our devastating lack of culture, see kangaroos in the street, drink like a fish, and all the other stereotypes that people associate with Aust. I'll buy you a pint or seven. Cheer up, and don't go changin' CTD

Put it this way Muttface - and this is in NO way a criticism of your fair island - it sure beats this retarded backward shithole when it comes to actual quality of life (now you know why I'm so feckin angry most of the time...) , but, the only two great acts to have come from Australia lately are Rolf Harris (respect!) and more recently, The Avalanches (best pop act ever IMHO). And that's a thirty-year gap between them.!!! What have we had in between? Neighbours, Dame Edna Everage, Men At Bleedin Work, INXS, Home and Away, Jason & Kylie, Crap Tribute bands (they started it all, remember??), Paul Hogan, Clive James.....I could go on. I think what Australia needs is an irritating TV chef personality of the calibre of Jamie Twotface so at least you can see first hand what the fuss is all about - then you may perhaps see things a different way. Besides, if it wasn't for the lamentable state of the British/Overseas postage system, I would have wasted no time in sending you a video of that shitehawk Jamie Oliver so you can see him in action just for yourself. The guy is a true phenomenon like no other in recent times.

By the way, I know you hate Stereolab, but so what? We all like different things - see if I'm arsed. Everybody else talks and raves about other bands on this forum, so why the frig can't I?? And you may not even know this, but one of Stereolab is actually Australian - Mary Hansen - she comes from Brisbane. So just simply hearing Stereolab played next to Topwanker says nothing. I mean here we get New Order played next to Westlife and other pappy shite on programmes. So? What profound meaning does that have? Precisely none! And even if Jamie does like the Lab, so what? I still think he's a cunt. There you have it, your request for a discussion done and dusted. I'm off now.....see ya!

OK Marty (aka t.h.e.m.a.n.i.n.c.a.c.k) - the gloves are off!

Whilst Muttface is a very charming moniker, I'd prefer CTD, if it's not too much trouble. It's not hard to remember, and is easier to spell. As an aussie, I take no responsibility for Rolf or any of the others you mentioned , just like you don't take responsibility for Toplader or me ol' mate Naked, who is MASSIVE down here, BTW, and we have more than enough truly shite tv chefs here anyway, thank you very much. As for Stereolab, I don't hate them (I've quite liked what I've heard, but not enough to buy anything yet)- I just wanted to stir you up a bit. You seem the easily agitated type. Anyway, now that's sorted, I hereby invite you to our shores where you can come and see our heroes perform in January, experience our devastating lack of culture, see kangaroos in the street, drink like a fish, and all the other stereotypes that people associate with Aust. I'll buy you a pint or seven. Cheer up, and don't go changin' CTD

I suppose this is a bit like when you buy a new car, then you suddenly see a lot of them about. Well, until a few days ago, I hadn't heard of this JO fellow at all, but today, I noticed that he has a calendar for sale here in the States, and his show was on the TV in the kitchen of a restaurant I went to today. Lovely, just perfect.

Originally posted by Shug CTD - you've gotta hand it to him - It WAS funny as fuck mate But he's fucked off again, so that message of yours was probably in vain mate;)

Yeah - noticed he'd pissed off again. Funny - I seem to have that effect on people, can't understand why. Anyone else here easy to wind up? CTD

By the way folks - like I may have mentioned on another thread of Martys - I was fortunate / unfortunate (tee hee) enough to share a jar or two with him just before Christmas and for the record our friend Martian is adamant that that is it - there will be no more rantings, profanities, or pearls of warped wisdom uttered forth from his mighty poison pen any more. Fuck - not even the sporadic mention of Sarah Cracknell on two threads elsewhere (thanks for sharing that one with us, Socrates - I mean about Sarah's baby - fuck me, I didn't know about that one!!!The jammy bastard! ) will entice him back - and that believe me usually does the trick anyway - he really has decided to mothball his dagger. So I guess I'll have to do as his replacement. Or not. Ho ho ho.... But then again, who the fuck can ramble on quite as much as HE does? I think he will be sorely missed. Then again, perhaps not.

By the way - am I the only onliner here who is lucky enough to have achieved what some of you here could only have dreamed of: actually spotting Jamie Oliver in the [creepcrawly] flesh and shouting "TWAT!!!" at him across a crowded Waterstones Bookshop Foyer (in Leeds - earlier this year on his "book-signing tour" of the UK) much to the utter disgust and annoyance of his poor misguided studenty followers.???

Honoured or what??!!

Respect