I thought I'd do my own "history of flight". Hope you like it....
THE HISTORY OF FLIGHT
This year marks the 100th anniversary of the beginning of motorized flight, when man took to the air so as to better look down women's shirts (better views of cleavage motivated the earliest pioneers of flight). I thought perhaps, on just such a historic occasion, that it would be appropriate to mark the anniversary with a look back at the many events in the history of aviation that have made it what it is today....one-hundred years old. Enjoy, and you might just learn something as well!
December 1903 - Orville and Wilbur Wright, of the Clan McWright, are Scottish immigrants fleeing the persecution of George III, or "Mad King George", and have come to Dayton, Ohio, for a little fun. Quickly tiring of the nonstop partying that Dayton is known for at the turn of the century (and endless poetry readings which become orgies very quickly), they make their way to Kill Devil Hill, NC. Here, Phineas T. Boobie has been working for years on his "flying machine", and the brothers decide to take it for a little joyride when Boobie is passed out drunk in his yard one December afternoon, cursing "The Kaiser" for stealing his girl. Wilbur, with a fifth of Jack Daniels, soon has the mechanized glider off the ground, and Boobie awakes to find the Wrights have taken credit for inventing "flying machines". Boobie murders Wilbur in his sleep, then disappears from history. Orville carries on, changes his name to "Redenbacher", and begins selling popcorn.
1914 - With the world at war, Kaiser Bill II (or "Bad Billy Kraut"), decides that he'd really like to see how cool a blimp explosion is. He smokes some rope with Count Zeppelin and persuades the old foggy to send some of his "airships" (Zeppelin also calls them by his own name, and his egotism ensures that a rock band in the future won't have to be known as "Led Blimp") over London way to "bomb the shit" out of the British. The first airship raids over Britain are a stunning success, with each craft taken down five minutes after reaching the capital. The ships are brought in too low, and keep puncturing on St Paul's Cathedral. The explosions are seen miles away, and many Englishmen are reported as saying "wicked", "far out", and "dude!" The Kaiser is so pleased that he continues to send more airships over for his private amusement. Meanwhile, the Germans lose the war.
1914-1918 - The age of aerial combat; a bunch of guys get killed, but in spectacular and chivalric fashion (unlike those commoners in the trenches, who make their deaths so muddy and boring). Manfred Von Richthofen, the "Red Baron", is believed killed on April 18, 1918, but in reality lives and can be found in grocery stores everywhere, seducing lonely housewives.
1927 - Charles "Give Me Back My Son!" Lindbergh fights to hide his repressed bestiality by flying solo across the Atlantic, where he hopes the French will be more receptive of his desires to "do it" with sheep, cows, oxen, rabbits, and various assorted barnyard animals. Unfortunately he forgets to put a window on the front of the plane and has to stick his head out the side to get a good idea just where the hell he is going. He finally reaches Paris, but everyone has gone to F. Scott Fitzgerald's place to drink and wait for the stock market to crash. Lindbergh is greeted by a roving watchdog, however, and they marry two years later.
1936 - Howard Hughes, millionaire businessman and 'neat freak', decides that he's bored watching all the poor people starve to death during the Great Depression, so he flies to Rio to seduce Carmen Miranda. Soon tiring of her insistence of wearing her trademark headgear to bed, he makes a pit stop in Morocco long enough to bed Ingrid Bergman in the classic film "Casablanca". Once again finding his interest fading, he decides to if this Stalin fellow is really as crazy as he seems, and hosts a banquet for the top brass of the Russian army in Moscow (Stalin, believing Hughes to be an enemy agent, poisons the wine, but Hughes has switched to water and the entire Russian staff is none the wiser). Hughes admits to a lust to see the Far East, so he next flies right into the arms of Tokyo Rose, who is really Admiral Tojo in drag. Hughes and Tojo spend a lovely weekend in Pearl Harbor, then Hughes decides he "likes playing for that team" and heads to San Francisco. His visit to the gay bars is held up by having to talk to reporters about his "trip around the world". Hughes retreats to his posh hotel, and begins letting his toenails grow out.
1937 - Amelia Earhart and her butch navigator, Fred "Wrong Way" Noonan, set out in search of Hughes, who apparently left her (Noonan) at the altar. Hell bent on catching up with him, Earhart and Noonan ignore the chance to fill up at "From this Point on, You're Screwed" Island and crash somewhere in the South Pacific. The natives rejoice that yet another "white devil" has met a grisly fate, but are soon pacified by the Dutch, once again proving they are the real villains in the eyes of history.
1941- At the height of the Second World War ("Hitler's latest smash!" - The New York Times), Rudolph Hess flies to England to negotiate a peace settlement. He ends up in Scotland by mistake, and is instantly raped by a pack of wolves. His story is later dramatized in the feature film "Rudy", starring Sean Astin as a pint-sized Notre Dame hopeful who nonetheless flies to England to negotiate peace with the Brits, but ends up in Scotland.
1945-1980 - Jet power comes, and with it the most boring and least romantic time in the history of flight.
1963 - John Glenn, or Ed Harris playing John Glenn, gets into space and orbits the Earth. This elicits a weak cry of "Yeah!" from the astro-nerds at NASA, who somehow manage to get men on the moon by the end of the decade. Contrary to what they used to read in sci-fi magazines, there is no race of alien women with ten pairs of breast and multiple vaginas awaiting them when the astronauts land. There are some cool craters, but nothing to write home about.
1970s - The popular film series "Airport" launches a nationwide craze to feature O.J. Simpson as "The Black Guy" in various disaster films. Simpson has yet to murder anyone, and thus is able to get away with being the NFL's all-time rushes leader. The public briefly remembers how cool explosions can be when "The Hindenburg" is made, and a craze for "everything Zeppelin" helps put the New Yardbirds at the top of the charts.
1986 - The space shuttle Challenger explodes, conveniently providing President Reagan a chance to "bomb the shit" out of Russia, who retaliate with their nukes. Reagan, revealed during a blood test as "The Thing", tries to escape but Kurt Russell sets him on fire before he can infect the others at Outpost 31. The world is reduced to rubble and futuristic cyborgs with cool laser beams shooting at each other.
1994 - Commercial airlines finally offer more than just "a complimentary peanut" for the meal on each flight. Now passengers have a choice between "salted" and "unsalted".
Today - Planes continue to excite the imagination of the young and the wet dreams of the old. Please consult your psychiatrist if you experience any tendencies to "flight" or "flying". Take Zanex or something, and get some help.
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