Don't ask me how, but I got my hands on the Bush Twins' secret Inaugural week blog, and it's pretty good reading. Especially if you believe the children are our future 
THE BUSH TWINS' BLOG DIARY OF INAUGURATION WEEK Trevor Seigler
Monday, January 17 - Jenna: Wow, this week is totally killer! First off, Dad's getting re-in...re-inaug...re-put back into office! Secondly, I got to meet Kenny Chesney at the Freedom Ball...I wouldn't mind getting my hands on HIS Freedom Balls, if you know what I mean! There was some weird shit on the elevator, though, with Mary Cheney and her companion. Does Dad know she's totally into chicks? Anyway, Barbara and I got totally wasted at the Veterans of Foreign Wars' open bar, I think I did a Jello shot off this old grungy Vietnam vet or something. It's all a bit hazy, but Barb assures me that whatever else, I totally got the hot bartender's phone number.
Barbara: Jenna was like totally making an ass of herself over Kenny Chesney, but you could tell he was all "don't breathe on me, you liquored-up whore!"...anyway, Mom was super-pissed when we came home with our Secret Service dudes carrying us up the steps. People think she's all calm and shit, but you try showing up at three in the morning plastered and see how calm and reserved she is! I hate her I hate her I hate her!...anyway, Jenna spent the whole night with her head in the toilet.
Tuesday, January 18 - Jenna: Jesus Christ, what a hangover! Mom didn't even look at me at the breakfast table, and Dad was too busy worrying 'bout Iran to bother. Gee, I thought we invaded them already, shouldn't Daddy spend more time getting me a bitchin' car?...We had to go see some fruitcake about the fashions we were gonna wear on Daddy's big day. Boy, this guy was flaming!...I chased a Zanex with some tequila before noon, and Barb and I went to go see our totally moldy grandparents. I'd rather have taken a pistol and put myself out of my misery...hey, did that ryhme? Anyway, the afternoon was kinda weird after that LSD tab I took in the Pentagon (we like to go there and play "secretary" for Rummy. He's always so kind, slapping my ass and saying what a naughty girl I am). I think I missed my period...
Barbara: I totally made out with Dennis Hastert! He's really cool about it, swears he'll pay for the "operation", but I think I'll want to keep it...just kidding! I'm not like Jenna. In fact, Jenna wasn't herself today, must be the fucking Zoloft she lifted off me last night. I'll show her; I've got the last of her shovies. Dad wanted us to go see Grandpa and Grandma 'cause he didn' want to. Now I know why Dad drank so much; two hours with my namesake and I'm raiding the liquor cabinet as we speak. Today at the Pentagon, this totally cute Marine kernel was hitting on me, but that hussy of a sister started flirting and shit with him. I could have just killed her when she started dry-humping his thigh...oh well, she's family. What can you do?
Wednesday, January 19 - Jenna: One day to go before Daddy's re-inaug...whatever the hell it is. I'm typing this not from my bedroom but from Mom's; she took away my computer privilages after some pictures of me and this awesome Army dude were in the NY Post. Gee, Mom, do you think you could cut off my helium too, while you're at it. I mean, if I can't get online, I can't breath (it is "helium", isn't it?)...Anyway, I'm gonna keep it short 'cause the bitch that is my twin wants to blab on about her day. Fucking dyke-wannabe...
Barbara: I am not a dyke, okay...I was just curious. Hell, if Mom knew about that frat house in Maryland...well, you'd be out of here, you fucking free-loader!...I'm sorry, but I just can't stand it when Jenna chomps down the last of my Ecstasy and then complains that I'm too uptight. Why the fuck do you think I'm so strung out, bitch?...Daddy gets re-inaugusted tomorrow (see I got it right the first time, you cheap hussy!), so we really need to be all together and shit, but I don't like the way Dick Cheney looks at me. He had his hand on my thigh a little too long at the rehearsal...I hope Ryan Seacrest is there tomorrow, I sent out his invitation weeks ago. He's my American Idol, if you know what I mean...
Thursday, January 20- Jenna: (No entry recorded)
Barbara: That lazy bitch! She leaves it up to me to keep this think going! Oh hell, that's the last time I set her up with my weed connection...I needed plenty to get through those boring-ass speeches. Did Daddy have to go on for an hour? Couldn't he have just said "screw you liberals" and leave it at that? Anyway, all the balls were killer...and the Balls weren't too bad either (get it? No? Okay...) and I had this kick-ass dress that made me look hot (if Jenna wasn't passed out in the bathroom in her own puke, she'd probably come back with something like "oh, trust me that dress did no such thing." All the boys like her...'cause she sees more traffic than the D.C. Beltway! Boo-yeah!). Damn, I'm tired, must be the Jack Daniels I was sucking on at the Texas-Wyoming Ball (I didn't know they shared a border. That's pretty cool). If there's one downer, it's that Seacrest didn't show. I cried all night until I remembered I had some Paxil left over from last night, so everything's fine right now. I'm a pretty cloud, aren't I?
Friday, January 21 - Jenna: Wha...? Dude, I am so wasted right now, it's not even funny. I need some food and shit. I haven't ate anything in twenty-four hours (don't believe that garbage on the bathroom stall at the Palm, I don't remember anything like that). I think Mary Cheney totally tried to make out with me, or else it was Rod Stewart. I can't tell the difference. The fact is, I was good and wasted by eight o'clock. Oh god...I gotta go, don't want to blow chunks on Barbara's precious Commodore.
Barbara: I hope Jenna's proud of herself; she practically siphoned the tap at the bar and didn't let anyone else get a sip. Thank God I had that flask of gin on me. Today's kinda weird, 'cause Daddy's all pissed about Iran. I guess he's not satisfied that we got Saddam, he wants to bomb it some more. It's all a bit hazy, but I hope Cheney and Rumsfeld help him out. Personally, I'd like to see them bomb North Korea. They make good Chinese food there, but Daddy says they have nukes. Whatever the hell those are (I thought they were called "Koreans"). I have to go refill my Zanex prescription, maybe I'll meet a cute boy at the pharmacist's (who am I kidding? The only people working there are oldies). Anyway, this was a bitching week, wish I could remember more of it. The Future Mrs. Seacrest, signing off!....
God I love the Bush twins.
