Having a little fun at the loser's expense (and yes, he lost. Laugh it up, Republican furballs...):
KERRY CAMPAIGNING FOR DAY MANAGER SHIFT AT MCDONALD'S
Boston, MA - Recent presidential candidate John Kerry is reportedly taking his defeat in good stride, and now has his sights set on winning the race to be the day shift manager at a Beacon Street branch of the McDonald's restaurant chain. Sources revealed Monday that the sixty-one year-old senator is lining up support amongst the elderly staff of the morning shift, but has trouble reaching out to the younger afternoon crew.
"We really think Senator Kerry can bring fiscal responsibility and a measured, even tone to the afteroon rush we experience every day when children are left out of school," campaign spokesman Mike McCurry told reporters while sliding down the Ronald McDonald slide. "He brings to this position twenty years as a United States senator, and if anyone can bring the uptight 'oldies' and the too-hip 'white rappers', it's the man who re-opened diplomatic relations with Vietnam."
Other sources are more skeptical of Senator Kerry's chances to unseat David Franzione, 38, who started with the Beacon Street establishment out of high school and has worked his way up to assistant day shift manager. "Dave has more seniority," an unnamed source told this reporter, "he's worked here much longer, he knows the ropes and the pressures that come with this job. Senator Kerry, on the other hand, I don't believe he knows the first thing about grilling the hamburger patties."
The contest is seen by many as Kerry's chance to rise from the ashes following his November defeat, but some close to the former Vietnam veteran wonder if he is "fit for command". Already organized against Kerry's presidential bid, the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth have reconstituted their membership to block his bid for the managerial position. "I ever saw John Kerry eat at a McDonald's in my entire time overseas," former soldier James Reardon said in a newly-released television ad. Ted Francis adds, "John Kerry has no business telling those poor ladies how to cook the McMuffin. He wouldn't know his way around a cooker if his life or the lives of his crew depended on it."
Many in the Kerry camp see this campaign as hateful and untruthful, but they acknowledge the senator's lack of experience behind the window of a drive-thru cashier's post. "It's true that Kerry hasn't done much in the fast-food business, but he's a fast learner," assured McCurry, fully ensconced in the Mayor McCheese tower.
Others close to the Kerry bid fear that his controversial wife Teresa Heinz Kerry might be his undoing in the area of popular opinion. Early in the campaign, Mrs. Kerry reportedly told retired grandmother Estelle Beasley to "shove it" when the morning shift fry cook tried to explain that the hash browns were normally greasy. Some fear that Mrs. Kerry's outspoken nature on the topic of stale Big Mac buns might also alienate the afternoon teenage staff.
Manager Kenny Baker says that the decision is a tough one. "I mean, when a United States Senator expresses interest in serving on your staff, you're obviously flattered. But Dave (Franzione) has the experience required to handle the crazy afternoon rush. I'm afraid he has the edge there." Baker then pointed out a board listing the morning and afternoon shifts along with their preferences for the new day shift manager, color-coded. "The ones with red next to them, those are Dave's people," Baker explained. "The blue ones are for Kerry. Obviously you can see Dave's slightly ahead."
Aides to Senator Kerry say the early poll results are "crude" and "prejudiced by a lack of 'face time' with" their candidate. Still, at press time the Kerry camp was preparing a prefunctory "concession speech" to be given if the results do in fact fall in Franzione's favor. Franzione's people, meanwhile, credit Kerry with a "spirited campaign" and acknowledge that the former presidential candidate would've made a "great day shift manager".
"We're sure Senator Kerry will rise from this fall with his integrity and spirit intact," spokesman McCurry said from the saddle of the Grimace horsey. At press time, Senator Kerry expressed interest in positions available at the Dairy Queen across from the state capital and as night cook at a nearby Waffle House just on the overpass out of town.
