The aforementioned "Black Dog": Black Dog is a song, not a movie.
Boxer shorts with "cute" designs: Don’t wear “cute”, be cute.
The Reagan Administration (first term, not second): The calm before the storm.
The Exxon Valdez disaster and Gallagher's comedy career (in that order): The captain was drunk and had an excuse for causing a disaster; Gallagher has no excuse.
Why do women always drive bad?: They are acting out their subliminal desire to protest the patriarchy which foisted the internal combustion engine upon Mother Earth.
Why do men not get any after pointing this out?: They would not point it out if they expected any. Men look for the superior women for mating purposes.
How can you mend a broken heart? Do the BeeGees ever answer that question?: The Bees Gees are not the answer for anything.
Middle Ages-era bong construction: I think you meant BONGO construction. The monks kept busy in their musical pursuits. The church forced them to give up the bongos as the resulting cacophony (much like the Tower of Babel) was an affront to God, thereby resulting in the a cappella glories of the Gregorian chant.
White people: Don’t get f**king rascist. We’re all human.
The failing health of my cat Sparky: Cats are simply vermin that have been domesticated, and vermin often suffer from failing health. It’s called natural selection.
The Polk Administration: The last great one-term administration.
Castration: A fun party trick.
Castro: Cuban for “Old goat.”
The cast of "Grease" (where are they now?): Still hoping the Bee Gees can mend their broken hearts.
Male pattern baldness: Is absence a pattern?
Travolta Pattern Lameness: The result of a broken heart that was never mended.
The Loch Ness Monster: Recently featured in a Scooby Doo movie.
The Loch Ness Tourism Industry (in the wake of the Monster exposed as a hoax): Capitalism must thrive in the land of Adam Smith.
Jimmy Durante (what's he up to lately?): Not up, he’s down, about six feet.
The Kennedy Administration (pre-Nov. 22): Mob-enabled playboy fantasy that had nothing to do with America coming to terms with Catholics.
The Johnson Administration (post-Nov. 22): The model for George W. Bush’s administrations.
Iron Maiden: Where they put the monks who refused to stop playing the bongos.
Iron Butterfly: A long-extinct species. Vanished with the dinosaurs.
Iron Man (the comic book, not the gay cologne): I am Iron Man.
Movies: Either a entertaining diversion from the harsh reality of our existence or a profound statement of our existential dilemma. Best enjoyed with buttered and salted popcorn (life and the movies, that is).
Talkies: Taught us that sometimes, silence is golden.
The sudden death of my cat Sparky: Sparky’s aforementioned failing health should have prepared you for the imminent death. That is nature’s way.
Indigestion: This is the real curse from the Garden of Eden.
Perspiration: All I can get, and then some.
Girls: Why do good girls love bad boys?
Guys: My favorite is Guy Fawkes.
Hondas: The only name in motorsports.
Combovers: Male pattern silliness.
Life: Makes you ponder death.
Death: The beginning of life.
