A message for all you Americans on independence day

Dear All

Subject: BRITS REVOKE USAINDEPENDENCE

(A Message from John Cleese To the citizens of the United States of America):

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for Americawithout the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary).

Using the same twent y-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem,

God Save The Queen.

July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

The Former USA will adopt UKprices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is n ot actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

Hollywoodwill be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywoodwill also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

The Haçienda must be (re)Built wrote: Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

not if you ask the man who isolated it, the brit, humphry davy!

from wikipedia: In 1808, Humphry Davy originally proposed the name alumium while trying to isolate the new metal electrolytically from the mineral alumina. A couple of years later he changed the name to aluminum to match its Latin root, but was finally persuaded to restore the -ium ending in 1812 giving aluminium. This had the advantage of conforming to the -ium suffix precedent set by other newly discovered elements of the period potassium, sodium, magnesium, calcium, and strontium (all of which Davy had isolated himself). However, for the next thirty years, both the -um and -ium endings were used in the scientific literature. Curiously, America adopted the -ium for most of the 19th century with aluminium appearing in Webster's Dictionary of 1828. However Charles Martin Hall selected the -um spelling in an advertising handbill for his new efficient electrolytic method for the production of aluminium, four years after he had patented the process in 1888. Although this spelling may have been an accident, Hall's domination of aluminium production ensured that the -um ending became the standard in North America, even though the Webster Unabridged Dictionary of 1913 continued to use the -ium version. In 1926 the American Chemical Society decided officially to use aluminum in its publications.(bold and italics mine)

so there. :p

but please take kansas!

that's a funny bit, thanks for posting. we could've used your help during the 2000 election.

btw, katherine harris the florida secretary of state that smoothed the way for dubya to win florida during the vote recount, is running for a senate seat here. she may not win, apparently her actions left a bad taste in the more moderate republicans. so we'll see

plus we've got a bloody mess on our hands with justice o'connor announcing her retirement. we'll see if how far bent over the republican party is to the far right or if the more centrist members of the party have the balls to bring a moderate nomination to the table.

anyways, it's a beautiful sunny day here in northwest florida though i can hear thunder rumbling now. i'll head down to st. augustine (the oldest city in the US) to see the fireworks off the bridge of lions:

and i'll try to think of all the beautiful places here to see and the good people i've met along the way. and i'll have faith that in 59,028,109 of us that voted for kerry in 2004 will step up again and bring our friends with us to the polls and we'll bring back another era of the good that america can be.

happy 4th.

The American Colonies at 1776 were the Viet Nam of the British Empire.

Celebrating by playing my Union Jack sprawl playlist- nothing but Brits.

Hannett of the Apes wrote: Celebrating by playing my Union Jack sprawl playlist- nothing but Brits.

Godless communist....:p

One of the few good things about MTV2 was that they used to play all Brit videos on the Fourth. I don't know if they still do, but it was always great to see the Smiths or NO on an American holiday.

I might play some NO before midnight

The new Boston Tea Party would include people throwing their televisions in the harbor in protest of the TV tax.

Hey why not celebrate and Bomb another country ?

Blame Canada! Blame Canada!

Something tells me we will be marching on Quebec by August

Spotnick wrote:

twist wrote: The American Colonies at 1776 were the Viet Nam of the British Empire.

Well, uh, problem is that, they were all brits back then!!

So basically, traitors ;)

Funny how a traitor can become a patriot, is it? ;)

not only were they traitors, they were terrorists!

my fourth of july weekend was greatly tarnished because Bush may have the opportunity to select 2 supreme court justices. We should be worried. Let me to tell you the founding fathers never envisoned the executive branch gaining so much power. Maybe their's a reason why renquist has hold on although he is very ill.

just remember Great Britain was doing this kind of shit when they were an empire.

Thanks for reminding us that English humor is so dry.

He did forget to mention the appointment of a new aristocracy. One chosen preferably from the left. Perhaps the Clintons could be the Duke and Duchess of New York, the Bushes would inherit Texas of course, Florida would become the new coastal Spain (heck we all speak the language already! And perhaps we would finally get mass transit), :D . Kalifornia would complete it's transformation into the Peoples Republic and shun all property rights, except Hollywood types would become the fuedal lords.

Traitors?? Nah, Quebecers with balls!

please britin kill our president PLEASE!

Digital Spike wrote: please britin kill our president PLEASE!

ooh, the FBI is going to get you for that one, son. they have spies everywhere with our shiny new patriot act!

and where have you been, young man?

Digital Spike wrote: please britin kill our president PLEASE!

seriously watch out, you just committed a federal felony. I would delete that. Patriot act is very real.

I think he means Britney :D

FAC103 wrote: fooking hell Niel..

thanks for bringing that one back...I always love reading that...

can youn guys tell us how to get rid of Dubya??? that's been driving me mad for a while!!!

Always a raises a lively discussion Jeff.

I'll swap Tony B Lair for Dudya