Joke Time..

Joe was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches.

When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need -- a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!", was the reply.. Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck. "Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" he replied again.

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and it give you one hell of a headache ..................."

Happy NO Year, maaan !! Oh and ..

I'll just call to say .........

JEDAN JE NEMANJAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Drumroll please.

Q. What do you call a Geordie at University? A. Janitor

What have Arsenal and a 3 pin plug got in common? Both are fucking useless in Europe

ROBBERY! Late last night thieves broke into City Of Manchester Stadium and stole the entire contents of Manchester City's trophy room. Police are looking for two men carrying a light blue carpet.

Q. What do you call an Leeds fan with half a brain? A. Gifted.

Q: What do you say to a Leeds fan with two black eyes? A: Nothing, its already been said - Twice!

Q. What do Leeds fans and beer bottles have in common? A. They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? A: Ask a Leeds United supporter

Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a Leeds Fan? A: A Doberman.

What do you call a Leeds fan with three sheep? A pimp.

yo mama is so ugly she made halloween go out of business

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common? A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't? A. A navel.

Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine? A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later.

Barney,

i was listening to 5Live this morning driving in to work. they had a report from 442 magazine's correspondent in Spain regarding the transfer of Jan Neverheardofhim's transfer from Villareal to Liverpool. The correspondent was Andy Mitten. Is that the same Andy Mitten who follows Man U big time on the independent supporters front. I'm sure it was him. coz i've heard him talk. What a job eh. 442 magazine!!!

john kershaw wrote: Barney,

i was listening to 5Live this morning driving in to work. they had a report from 442 magazine's correspondent in Spain regarding the transfer of Jan Neverheardofhim's transfer from Villareal to Liverpool. The correspondent was Andy Mitten. Is that the same Andy Mitten who follows Man U big time on the independent supporters front. I'm sure it was him. coz i've heard him talk. What a job eh. 442 magazine!!!

Q.What does porn have in common with video games? A. The both improve hand to eye co-ordination

Q. What's the difference between a computer and a woman? A. computers accept floppies.

Q. What do you call the useless bit of skin at the end of a penis? A. a man

Christopher Owens wrote:

john kershaw wrote: Barney,

i was listening to 5Live this morning driving in to work. they had a report from 442 magazine's correspondent in Spain regarding the transfer of Jan Neverheardofhim's transfer from Villareal to Liverpool. The correspondent was Andy Mitten. Is that the same Andy Mitten who follows Man U big time on the independent supporters front. I'm sure it was him. coz i've heard him talk. What a job eh. 442 magazine!!!

ay!!! pack the noise in lad!!:evil:

Steve Campbell wrote: Q.What does porn have in common with video games? A. The both improve hand to eye co-ordination

Q. What's the difference between a computer and a woman? A. computers accept floppies.

Q. What do you call the useless bit of skin at the end of a penis? A. a man

Ah, see you're trying to balance out there with that last joke. Fair play to you.

Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex? A. Call her and tell her.

Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms? A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

Q. What's worse than getting killed by Jack the Ripper? A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego... A. "Is it in?"

john kershaw wrote:

Christopher Owens wrote:

john kershaw wrote: Barney,

i was listening to 5Live this morning driving in to work. they had a report from 442 magazine's correspondent in Spain regarding the transfer of Jan Neverheardofhim's transfer from Villareal to Liverpool. The correspondent was Andy Mitten. Is that the same Andy Mitten who follows Man U big time on the independent supporters front. I'm sure it was him. coz i've heard him talk. What a job eh. 442 magazine!!!

ay!!! pack the noise in lad!!:evil:

at least C.O. is doin Leeds jokes now.

Steve Campbell wrote: Q.What does porn have in common with video games? A. The both improve hand to eye co-ordination

Q. What's the difference between a computer and a woman? A. computers accept floppies.

Q. What do you call the useless bit of skin at the end of a penis? A. a man

bang-on with the first one

john kershaw wrote: Barney,

i was listening to 5Live this morning driving in to work. they had a report from 442 magazine's correspondent in Spain regarding the transfer of Jan Neverheardofhim's transfer from Villareal to Liverpool. The correspondent was Andy Mitten. Is that the same Andy Mitten who follows Man U big time on the independent supporters front. I'm sure it was him. coz i've heard him talk. What a job eh. 442 magazine!!!

yeh, that'll be the same one. His brother plays for FC United.

this bloke is banged up in gaol.

on his first day inside, he meets his new cellmate. his new cellmate gets out his monster 20inch dick, waves it at the new guy and proceeds to wack the bunk bed which breaks in two.

With dick still in hand, he proceeds to crash it down on the table in the cell, which instantly smashes in half.

Waving his dick at the new guy, he says: "Right boy, I'm gonna shove my dick right up your skinny arse".

new guy goes: thank fuck for that!! I thought you were gonna hit me over the head with it.

:D

That's reminded me of a bloke who goes to jail,and he gets put in a cell with this brick shithouse with a bald head. "You're looking mighty fine boy,me and you...when the lights go out..me and you we're going to play a game.We goona play Husband and Wife!" Gulp! Brick shithouse says,"Well which are you gonna be? Are you gonna be husband..or wife?" Beads of sweat,panic attack. "You better choose boy...or I'm gonna choose for ya!" This bloke thinks,I'm not having him stick his dick up me arse so.."I'll be husband,I'll be husband" "Ok boy...you come over here and suck your wife's dick"