:evil4:

one day a hippy gets on a bus full of nuns. he looks around and see's one that is looking particularily good. after he popped a stiffy he went up to the nun and said I want to fu** you.

No replied the nun I am a woman of the lord i will never sleep with you

The hippy was really depressed, but on his way off the bus the bus driver told him that the nun goes to the church to pray everynight at midnight. all he had to do was get a god mask and tell her to screw him.

at exactly midnight the hippy spotted the nun go into the church, he put on his mask and said I am god fu** me.

the nun then replied only in the ass though. the hippy agreed and they got it on for hours.

when they were done the hippy took off his mask and shouted "ha, ha" I'm the hippy the nun then took off her mask and said "ha ha" I'm the bus driver.

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying,

"All of you b*****ds who want off, get the f**k off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get the f**k on, cause we're going down the tracks".

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing withhis train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,

"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

"For those of you who are pi**ed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat b**ch in the kitchen."

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:

Compliment her. Respect her. Honor her. Cuddle her. Kiss her. Caress her. Love her. Stroke her. Tease her. Comfort her. Protect her. Hug her. Hold her. Spend money on her. Wine and dine her. Listen to her. Care for her. Stand by her. Support her. Go to the ends of the Earth for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:

Show up naked. Bring beer.

LETTER FROM HUMAN RESOURCES

TO: All Employees FROM: Human Resources SUBJECT: Foul Language DATE: February 28, 2000

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" phrases has been provided so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible. INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.

TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with... INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned. INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project. INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting. INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented. INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem? INSTEAD OF: Who the hell cares?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues. INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir? INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it? INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment. INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand. INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: I see. INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it. INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting!

TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem. INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a shit.

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter. INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

Thank You, Human Resources

Evening Mr Owen! Feeling ok today?

After the day I've had, humour is needed.

Mute Tourettes....(and no offence meant to anyone, at all)!!

Christopher Owens wrote: After the day I've had, humour is needed.

Honey, i agree with you! Not that i have the energy to read it all............but, you always make me laugh so........

Bonzette wrote:

Christopher Owens wrote: After the day I've had, humour is needed.

Honey, i agree with you! Not that i have the energy to read it all............but, you always make me laugh so........

Thank you very much.

Christopher Owens wrote:

Ok, i know that you are totally nuts now!!!!

Christopher Owens wrote:

Top, top quality!

What the ?????

Read a book and give us an assessment!:)

Wino wrote: What the ?????

Read a book and give us an assessment!:)

Well, I thought the tiger was funny! :-)

Christopher Owens wrote: A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying,

"All of you b*****ds who want off, get the f**k off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get the f**k on, cause we're going down the tracks".

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing withhis train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,

"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

"For those of you who are pi**ed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat b**ch in the kitchen."

WHAT A DIFFERENCE 30 YEARS MAKE

1970: Long hair 2000: Longing for hair

1970: The perfect high 2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1970: Acid rock 2000: Acid reflux

1970: Moving to California because it's cool 2000: Moving to California because it's warm

1970: Growing pot 2000: Growing pot belly

1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1970: Seeds and stems 2000: Roughage

1970: Popping pills, smoking joints 2000: Popping joints

1970: Killer weed 2000: Weed killer

1970: Hoping for a BMW 2000: Hoping for a BM

1970: The Grateful Dead 2000: Dr. Kevorkian

1970: Going to a new, hip joint 2000: Receiving a new hip joint

1970: Rolling Stones 2000: Kidney stones

1970: Being called into the principal's office 2000: Calling the principal's office

1970: Screw the system 2000: Update the system

1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut 2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1970: Taking acid 2000: Taking antacid

1970: Passing the drivers test 2000: Passing the vision test

1970: Whatever 2000: Depends

That was ace, Chris

A blonde woman was tired of people calling her names and teasing her because of the colour of her hair, so she decided to kill herself. She found some rope and went to the park. She tied one end of the rope to a branch of a tree, climbed the tree and then tied the other end of the rope to her neck.

"Good bye, cruel world," and with that, she slid of the branch.

A couple of hours later, a man was walking in the park, when he noticed a blonde hanging from the tree, but the rope was now round her waiste.

"What are you doing?" the man asked in surprise.

"Im killing myself because the world is an evil place." she said with a tear in her eye.

"Well, isn't the rope supposed to be round your neck if your commiting sucide?" he said.

"Oh yes, but i tried that and couldn't breathe!"

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer responded, "This is my property and you're not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you for everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently you don't know how we settle things in Tennessee." We settle small disagreements like this with the "three kick rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the three kick rule?" The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to bide by the local custom.

The farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to the rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pile.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "OK, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

Power Blackout in Washington.... Condoliza Rice spent 5 hours in an elevator... Pres. Bush spent 5 hours on an escalator...

A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods".

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" ask the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this f*****g hole!"

Three guys walk into a motel and find out there is only one room with only one bed. Since it's the only motel in town, the guys decide to share the bed. They get to their room, squeeze in, and fall asleep. The next morning, the guy on the left side of the bed wakes up and says, "I had the craziest dream about getting the best handjob of my life." The guy on the right side says, "That's incredible - I had the same dream!" Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "Wow, I had the weirdest dream!" The other two guys nod their heads in anticipation. "I was cross-country skiing really, really fast..."

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

How do you get a Goth out of a tree?

Cut the rope!