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I am forced to share an office with a cretinous nasty bloke, and am forced to listen to him talk sex talk to some sad woman who willingly shags him (god knows why).
Other than put headphones on all day to try and block him out, what can I do to get my own back - all evil ideas appreciated.
:(
Desribe in great detail a vaginal infection you do not have. Same for any gross or gory illness. Make a complaint that their rampantness in front of you consitutes sexual harrassment. Or best of all, start talking about Jade Goodie, and Dot Cotton wvery time they start, that's certain to dampen the bugger's passions.
dyslexic keyboard:
an a oldie but a goodie. when he's not there, prefably when there's nobody in the office.
with a bit of luck he'll call tech support as somebody at my work once did.
less vicious:
move his stuff around ever so slightly, so that he can't instantly find his glasses or coffee mug.
after he's left work, turn off his monitor and put cap lock on, and watch him try and enter his password in the morning.
don't do it all at once.
there's still more:
adjusting his chair
unplugging his phone cord, so that it falls out when he tries to answer the phone.
If you wanna fuck his PC over there are better ways. Start it in bios and reset the clock to 6 months ahead/behind..everything's fine until network shares which "don't exist yet" are brought up.
Or just stop all the fans in it...it'll survive on idle overnight but when he starts to pile on those CPU cycles.....melty melty.
Floppy disc coated in powdered matchheads works a treat too for making a big cloud of smoke come out of the computer.....you have to be able to deal with the guilt of destroying a 75p FDD tho.
forget all that previous shit.
kick him hard in the goolies. grab him by his tie and lead him over towards the shredder.
NOOLigan wrote: unplugging his phone cord, so that it falls out when he tries to answer the phone.
If you do it just right....you can unplug the handset/headset from the main telephone but subtle manipulation of the RJ11 plug....and leave it LOOKING still connected, I know this, it's been done on me several times.
NOOLigan wrote:
dyslexic keyboard
I like this one. I also have the pleasure of working with my ex who is dyslexic - it really would take him forever to figure out what's going wrong!! (Of course I'd never be this evil).
The moving things around trick doesn't work with a messy dirty disorganised twat. But I have ripped up the odd bit of important paperwork of his and watched him searfch for it for hours!!
Smurfy, you really shouldn't have to put up with that.
In my office, all the men leave it to me to answer the phone, being one of only two girls. I learned long ago to keep my head down and shout "Can somebody get that".
Other things you can do:
Put drawing pins on chairs, and in drawers. Swapping chairs around when you're the last in the office. Stealing pens (this can make it really kick off). Hiding important pieces of paper. Spend hours on the internet when you should be working (I, of course, would NEVER do that). Find their secret biscuit stash and wolf them down.
I'm a bit of an evil bitch aren't i?
Yes, 2 of those were MY next picks :D
EDIT: OOOh...unplug his mouse and bend or remove one of the pins in the connector. Bending is better cos he'll trash mouse and computer all on his own plugging it back in. Drop a few drops of red/yellow food coulourig on his chair...will look like someone has suffered SOME manner of mischief sitting in it.
Run a magnet over has swipe card if he has one.
Leave a pair of random knickers in his drawer when you know his fancy bit will be in.
Has your list swelled sufficiently smurfy?
[magenta]Missy Jem[/magenta] wrote: Smurfy, you really shouldn't have to put up with that.
In my office, all the men leave it to me to answer the phone, being one of only two girls. I learned long ago to keep my head down and shout "Can somebody get that".
Other things you can do:
Put drawing pins on chairs, and in drawers. Swapping chairs around when you're the last in the office. Stealing pens (this can make it really kick off). Hiding important pieces of paper. Spend hours on the internet when you should be working (I, of course, would NEVER do that). Find their secret biscuit stash and wolf them down.
I'm a bit of an evil bitch aren't i?
get us a cup of tea love.
It's got to the stage where I dream of running him over in the carpark, stapling paper to his forehead, setting light to his desk, or his shoes, stealing his mobile phone that still has a christmas ringtone.
At least I don't have to look at him - there is a filing cabinet in the middle of the room blocking our view so we don't have to look at each other.
Makes a very depressing day I can tell you.
Smurfy wrote: It's got to the stage where I dream of running him over in the carpark, stapling paper to his forehead, setting light to his desk, or his shoes, stealing his mobile phone that still has a christmas ringtone.
At least I don't have to look at him - there is a filing cabinet in the middle of the room blocking our view so we don't have to look at each other.
Makes a very depressing day I can tell you.
Well, a few good ideas to last a week or so. He has just left for 2 hours - enough time to play!!!!! 
Smurfy wrote: It's got to the stage where I dream of running him over in the carpark, stapling paper to his forehead, setting light to his desk, or his shoes, stealing his mobile phone that still has a christmas ringtone.
At least I don't have to look at him - there is a filing cabinet in the middle of the room blocking our view so we don't have to look at each other.
Makes a very depressing day I can tell you.
thank fuck your night job at stringfellows takes yer mind of it then.
NOOLigan wrote: dyslexic keyboard:
an a oldie but a goodie. when he's not there, prefably when there's nobody in the office.
- take a letter opener
- lever up a few keys from the keyboard
- put them back in an incorrect way.
with a bit of luck he'll call tech support as somebody at my work once did.
who looks at their fingers to type? The letters are all worn off my keyboard...
Hmmmm..............
Steal something of his that's really valuable and hold it ransom
Seems like we been here before!
J.A.K wrote:
Smurfy wrote: It's got to the stage where I dream of running him over in the carpark, stapling paper to his forehead, setting light to his desk, or his shoes, stealing his mobile phone that still has a christmas ringtone.
At least I don't have to look at him - there is a filing cabinet in the middle of the room blocking our view so we don't have to look at each other.
Makes a very depressing day I can tell you.
thank fuck your night job at stringfellows takes yer mind of it then.
Hold that thought ....... on second thoughts don't!
At least I'd be richer I guess.
If he talks sex talk constantly I'm sure that's against some kind of harassment shit that you all have.
Keep a log file an harassment claim.
Getting rid is the only way to deal. Ruin his life:P
Alternatively, does he work "for you"? For example, I just got someone fired who worked for me. I wasn't his direct supervisor or anything, but I'm the one who monitored him and gave him work to do...because he was annoying the fuck out of me and I wanted him gone, I gave him work that I knew he couldn't handle...when he started falling behind I complained to my manager. It took a month but he was outta there.
Bonzette wrote: Orange Jelly stains
They were the days!
Those were the days my friend, I wish they didn't end!!!!!
But I hate this colleague - must be extra eeeevil.
x
Smurfy wrote: stealing his mobile phone that still has a christmas ringtone.
compile a list of irritating subscription phone servcies....crazy frog and his ilk. When ballbag leaves for 5 mins, text every motherfucking one of them. Better if you can nick the phone for 24 hours and arrange for it to be found next day, poisoned. OR, if you have the time, change all the numbers round in his sim, so his wife get's his mistresses messages and his boss get's his beer bud's :D
ChrissMari wrote: If he talks sex talk constantly I'm sure that's against some kind of harassment shit that you all have.
Keep a log file an harassment claim.
Getting rid is the only way to deal. Ruin his life:P
Alternatively, does he work "for you"? For example, I just got someone fired who worked for me. I wasn't his direct supervisor or anything, but I'm the one who monitored him and gave him work to do...because he was annoying the fuck out of me and I wanted him gone, I gave him work that I knew he couldn't handle...when he started falling behind I complained to my manager. It took a month but he was outta there.
Unfortunatly I talk sex more than he does, and we are both equal managers - but I like the ruin his life idea!
Doctor? wrote:
Smurfy wrote: stealing his mobile phone that still has a christmas ringtone.
compile a list of irritating subscription phone servcies....crazy frog and his ilk. When ballbag leaves for 5 mins, text every motherfucking one of them. Better if you can nick the phone for 24 hours and arrange for it to be found next day, poisoned. OR, if you have the time, change all the numbers round in his sim, so his wife get's his mistresses messages and his boss get's his beer bud's :D
Actually, stealing the damn phone makes good sense, then driving to the coast and lobbing it out to sea - just for effect. All those lost contacts - he hasn't the brains to save numbers anywhere else just in case. hmmmmm a plan is brewing!
A nylon blouse and your finger will do the same job. Get a good static charge on yerself and touch his sim card. Or just take it out, crack or spot burn it (not pin, no evidence :D ) , and put it back.
ChrissMari wrote:
NOOLigan wrote: dyslexic keyboard:
an a oldie but a goodie. when he's not there, prefably when there's nobody in the office.
- take a letter opener
- lever up a few keys from the keyboard
- put them back in an incorrect way.
with a bit of luck he'll call tech support as somebody at my work once did.
who looks at their fingers to type? The letters are all worn off my keyboard...
this is a guy we are talking about.
Smurfy wrote:
ChrissMari wrote: If he talks sex talk constantly I'm sure that's against some kind of harassment shit that you all have.
Keep a log file an harassment claim.
Getting rid is the only way to deal. Ruin his life:P
Alternatively, does he work "for you"? For example, I just got someone fired who worked for me. I wasn't his direct supervisor or anything, but I'm the one who monitored him and gave him work to do...because he was annoying the fuck out of me and I wanted him gone, I gave him work that I knew he couldn't handle...when he started falling behind I complained to my manager. It took a month but he was outta there.
Unfortunatly I talk sex more than he does, and we are both equal managers - but I like the ruin his life idea!
he was like Clark Kent before he started working with you.
no stoppin him now though.
we had an annoying bugger in our office once. Had his initials on 'his' chair, so we all wrote the same initials on our chairs and swapped em about. Some other twat grassed me and another up for persistently farting in his briefcase and shutting it when he was out. Got a bit of a ticking off for that. But someone else got leathered one night and left him an abusive message on his work answerphone and got sacked. might have got away with it if it wasnt for the homophobic comments (the annoying bugger was bent). Safe to say that guy taught me all I know
Doctor? wrote: If you wanna fuck his PC over there are better ways. Start it in bios and reset the clock to 6 months ahead/behind..everything's fine until network shares which "don't exist yet" are brought up.
Or just stop all the fans in it...it'll survive on idle overnight but when he starts to pile on those CPU cycles.....melty melty.
Floppy disc coated in powdered matchheads works a treat too for making a big cloud of smoke come out of the computer.....you have to be able to deal with the guilt of destroying a 75p FDD tho.
Doc, remind me not to piss you off!
NOOLigan wrote: dyslexic keyboard:
an a oldie but a goodie. when he's not there, prefably when there's nobody in the office.
- take a letter opener
- lever up a few keys from the keyboard
- put them back in an incorrect way.
with a bit of luck he'll call tech support as somebody at my work once did.
less vicious:
move his stuff around ever so slightly, so that he can't instantly find his glasses or coffee mug.
after he's left work, turn off his monitor and put cap lock on, and watch him try and enter his password in the morning.
don't do it all at once.
there's still more:
adjusting his chair
unplugging his phone cord, so that it falls out when he tries to answer the phone.
I love that! :D
drop a laxative in his coffee! just make sure you're not around when it starts kicking in...do this often and he'll think that line of work isn't for him!
sellotape a mic just underneath the edge of his desk, connected to a hidden mindisc, and record some of his innapropriate 'conversations'. Then play them back at high volume around the office. OR, just tell him you have the recordings, and ask him to do all your office work for the next 12 months or they'll somehow end up on the boss's desk (i'm sure it's a sackable offence)
There are some truly funny ideas here. A few I will add to my list of "must do's" Hahahahaha _
Best ideas I can think up at the moment that I've done or participated in:
* Try "password securing" someone's screen saver. First I suggest changing the screen saver to "scrolling marque" and inserting your own word or phrase, "Mr. Jones (president or supervisor) eats SHlT" or something to that effect.
* Phones with handsets: The handset comes apart. Take the handset apart and put scotch tape over the mouthpeice inside. They can still be heard, but they have to talk loud to be heard. The next day take it off, and put it in the earpeice. Usually they will be yelling to the other person on the line the next day, and won't be able to hear them. When they complain about the phone, and get a replacement, do it on the next phone. After about a week you will notice the calls to be down considerably.
* Put a peice of onion or a clove of garlic inside the mouthpiece of a phone. Give it some time for it to fester and build up a strong odor. Then call them.
* When someone forgets and leaves a Word document or an email open, type a single word somewhere in the text. “f*ck” or so will do nicely. They’ll never notice and send it out.
* Take clear tape and tape the underside of the mouse. Make sure you take the sticky end of the tape and apply it to the bottom of the mouse so it locks the ball in place. The victim will most likely check the connections in the back, reinstall drivers, reboot, etc., before they realize what has happened.
* Do a "Print Screen" of the user's desktop, and then paste the image from the clipboard to a photo program, and save the image as a bitmap. Then, set the 'snapshot' of their desktop as the actual desktop wallpaper. (You'll have to hide the Windows status bar, and move all their desktop icons into a folder, which you can hide conspicuously in the corner or something.) Your co-worker will see their desktop as always, but everything on it will appear to be frozen when they try to click on it... sending them into a rebooting and virus scanning fit!
* If your co-worker gets personal e-mail all day. Go into their e-mail and change their defaults to automatically "blind carbon copy" their boss or supervisor.
* Go into MS Word or similar program on co-worker's computer, and add an entry to the AutoCorrect feature. This is a very simple prank that will send the novice user into a frenzy. Configure the AutoCorrect option to replace the word "the" with the phrase "you suck!". They will usually panick and start scanning for viruses.
No fuckin way, the desk next to mine is populated by a madly pretty blonde (5' 10" BTw LOL), who happens to be my best mate (or as someone called her a while ago, my "work wife"), and we're the only thing that keeps each other "sane" :D
I could say, give them MY seat, cos her ability to destroy computers is unbelievable, and while she has an arse that could cause a road accident, it farts like a rugby prop's.
Boatraceface wrote: Poor lass.Must be annoying for her:p
LOL Think it was once, think she thought my attentions were purely focused between her legs to start with. Many years ago now tho, she knows better now :D
Which brings me not too neatly to another interesting thing you can do to wind people up. If you work anywhere where the phones are linked to the computer to trigger systems based on inbound calls......well let's just say a little hacking, and you can foul the whole thing up so that the actual call goes to one machine while another launches the system. Always swore to do a tour of the "battery hen" floor in our place the night I leave.....300 machines all randomly launching unrelated databases LOL.
mossy wrote: clip your nails !!!!
very annoying !!!!!
I think I'm the only one in my office that doesn't clip his nail! Maybe they're trying to get rid of me? 
drives me nuts when people clip or file in public spaces .... should be done at home or nail shop....
no clipped nail shreds or nail dust for me !!!
YUKK........
