Things We Wish We Could Say at Work

40 Things You Would Love To Say Out-Loud At Work

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to publicly humiliate yourself.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

7. I'm out of my mind at the moment, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here - I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but, I don't understand a damn word you're saying

10. Ahhh. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you! We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you does not mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your cry-baby whiny-butt opinion would be?

24. Do I look like a flipping people person to you?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. Oh, I get it. Like humor - Only different.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without the door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume, but must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is finally done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to STUN?

38. I thought I wanted a career! It turns out, I just wanted a salary.

39. I'll try being nicer if you try being smarter.

40. Wait a minute! I'm just trying to imagine you with a personality.

After hearing the pharmacist calling for someone to pick up their prescription today: "Ladies and gentleman, please give it up for our celebrity pharmacist, Paul Lynde!" :D

Whenever I see some morbidly obese woman raiding the yogurt shelf: "It's a bit late for that, don't you think?"

Anytime a well-meaning but gabby customer monopolizes my time: "Your life story is very intesting, but I've got work to do"

I just want to say "No you are WRONG, accept that you are WRONG, then get down on your knees and BEG for my forgivness for wasting my time and trying to make out that I was wrong. BEG ME!"

I tend to say what I feel at work. People have gotten used to me. Gets me into trouble now and again.

JHC

Yes at Office Depot I do the greeting, direct people to places, try to sell the occasional extended warranty plan and just be a good tone setter....but there are the people who ask really stupid questions!!

I worked at Tower Records for 4 years so I am quite the smart ass....

my favorite was a lady who comes in during our top down renovation. Dust was everywhere, looked like a bomb hit the place.

She asks three times in a few minutes "Are you renovating?" when it is totally FUCKING obvious that we are.

I say "no ma'am we decided to take some things and put them in random places just to see what would happen."

No!!!!!

Do it yer fuckin self!!

My favourite saying "Thats bollocks" (they know im opinionated) but its allowed

show us them huge bouncy titties of yours ****** (names changed to protect me)

I'd love to say, "Fuck off, Cunt", especially to customers who piss me off.

this job would be a lot easier if it wasn't for the fucking customers.

top quote from clerks. gets used a lot.

J.A.K wrote: show us them huge bouncy titties of yours ****** (names changed to protect me)

since I work at an equal oppertunity employer and wouldn't want to break the rules,

"show me yours and I'll show you mine"

Stick your job up your arse!

probably why my CV is such a mess...

I said 7. and 17.

I often tell my bosses how cool they are for driving a Ford Focus ,liking UB40 and Robbie Williams and having great big fat bellies.Clueless cunts.Feel almost sorry for them actually

I think this calls for a Weekend Movie Night. Playing: "Office Space." A cult classic for this sort of thing.

" I sorry...you must be confusing me with someone who gives a shit." :evil:

LOL recently heard about someone who worked at the Post Office who refused a woman something like car tax,because the had no legal documentation.This woman was up her own arse.

"Do you know who I am?" Swinging her hair to the side like Miss Piggy. To which the clerk...who err doesn't work on the counter now!....replied:

WHY? HAVE YER FCUKING FORGOT???

hillarious! i thought a straight up.. "EAT A DICK." :D

i'm not exactly known for holding back at work.
the other day i called an ex army member who wanted to get his record. i knew he hadn't been in the navy but i still asked him when he served in the navy, and asked him why he had signed a piece of paper saying that he was in the navy.

basically i called him a dickhead.

you have to have a bit of fun sometimes.

sometimes you just have to take the phone off the hook. there are only so many stupid calls i can take a day.

i meet a lovely young man (whilist planting watermelons)from, wisconsin. who worked at wal mart when he lived in america, he came to new zealand looking for himself, i lost him sadly, i was reluctant to give him my number. and broke his heart. i had never had a perfect conversation with some one in my life like those precious days in the country planting watermelon.. i accepted it wasnt meant to be. he was beautiful

ahh sad memories, beautiful though sorry for the soppy bullshit..feeling a bit emotional

I really identify with #19. Sometimes I just wish I could curse at work but I'm a teacher

"no you cannot have a passport, someone who shows up at check-in without one, would simply make the UK look bad overseas if we allowed them to travel."

After being told they're boned, people often ask "is there nothing else you can think of to help me". I ALWAYS want to do, well para-do the Ford Prefect thing from the Vogon airlock scene in H2G2...."Wait, I've just thought of this amazing way we can get you a passport in the 20 mins before your flight", then when asked about it, instantly admit I was lying.

We currently have a board on the wall tallying points scored for crying callers. 1 point for a female and 2 for a male. I am FAR too nice according to my colleagues and as such have scored only 1 point in 2 months :(

my best friend is a teachers aid at the moment ..she has a real struggle with keeping her salior swearing mouth under control in front of the kiddies,

krisna wrote: my best friend is a teachers aid at the moment ..she has a real struggle with keeping her salior swearing mouth under control in front of the kiddies,

I can totally sympathize. I don't curse too much but some days I really feel like it. All kinds of things are said in the teacher's lounge though ;)