There are some scary sorts on here. With the threat we all face from global terrorism, who amongst us is most likely to declare a jihad on YOUR ass? Let's look at the contenders:
UNCLE LIAM - If Cartman from "South Park" joined the Taliban, he would look like Liam. This man loathes the liberalism of modern society with a passion; he wants everyone who disagrees with him shot or deported; in short, he is a walking vat of bile. Friendly enough in the flesh - but isn't that what they say about all terrorists before they blow themselves up?? VERDICT: This man will probably be running the country in 10 years time: be very afraid.
AGENT WOOD - With her in-depth knowledge of geopolitics and close friendship with Liam, this is unquestionably a woman who constitutes a serious threat to global security. Claiming that she "always encourages dissent" in her students (average age: 5-and-a-half), Buffy the Teacher is a leading trainer of would-be jihadists. Her secret weapon is her omniscient knowledge of EVERYTHING. God help us if she and Liam start breeding. VERDICT: Don't sit next to this woman on the tube.
CAMBO - The signs were always there: becomes unhinged if anyone dares to say anything negative about an onine "friend"; pathological about sacred sci-fi texts; loathes all organised religion; cross him and he will brand you "a dull cunt", the NOOL equivalent of a kiss from Don Corleone. Drenched in barely suppressed rage, this is a technophile who could do serious damage to our social infrastructure: let's face it, those Oirish types aren't exactly shy when it comes to blowing people up. Beware his online 'flirting'. VERDICT: Would you get on a plane with this man? Would you even rent "War of the Worlds" in his company??? He's a secular jihad waiting to happen.
68 PONTIAC - This guy reminds me of the marine in "Full Metal Jacket" who went nuts and shot himself. And that's on a good day. Devout militarist; sole defender of George Dubya; staunch Republican. Akin to Liam in many ways, except with a Californian tan and an assault rifle where we'd usually find a pasty Manc complexion and a pint of strong lager. VERDICT: He's conservative; he lives in California. This is the apocalypse waiting to happen.
NESS - Mild-mannered Ness is, as we all know, stalking Hooky with a vengeance. She plans to kill him and the rest of New Order with her deadly choker. When New Order end, NOOL ends; and when NOOL ends, Western civilization is finished. VERDICT: Take your eyes off her tits and look at her manic expression for once - you'll get it.
MISSY JEM - You think she's orange cos she wears fake tan? No, its because she's constructing a dirty bomb and is hiding it in her knickers. VERDICT: We're all fucked. Especially Col.
BIG CLIVE - If you've met him, you'll know what I mean. If not, you're one of the lucky ones. VERDICT: "Remember the war!"
LEATHER GIRL - She writes New Order porn and thinks all women are sluts. VERDICT: She scares the living shit out of me.
THIS BLUE EYED BOY... - Surely anyone who likes Depeche Mode this much has to be labelled a terrorist threat? VERDICT: The devil wears a leather skirt.
SHUG McSHUGLET - Plastic-Scottishness-as-pathology. VERDICT: Just because....
J.A.K - Kershie reminds me of a kid at school who once used his own excrement to write "shit" on the toilet walls. Situationist prankster, scouse retard or menace to western society? VERDICT: I think he may have had sex with C-Ro. This might well be the most frightening thing ever.
Yikes!!!! And he's an undercover football hooligan..... it's all starting to fit
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