Council complaints...

These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and housing associations throughout the UK. Some of you might have seen these before, but after receiving a letter today thanking me for my 'thurrow survay on my kitchern', I thought I'd post this for those that haven't seen it.

* I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

* I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

* And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

* I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof, I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.

* I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

* Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

* I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

* 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

* The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

* Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

* Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

* I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6 and his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

* The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

* Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

* I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

* Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

* I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have had no satisfaction.

* My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus in it.

* He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

just pissed meself.....

QUALITY

Pure class

Heard them before

These Insurance Claims always make me laugh...

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."

"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull."

"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."

"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."

"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. "

"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."

"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before."

"When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."

"The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal."

"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert."

"I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."

"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."

"I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact."

* tumbleweed *

wait..

didn't you post these like a year ago?? ;)

probably!!! I repeat myself a lot.

My usual line to my friens is, "Ooh did I tell you..."

To which they reply, "Yes Jem, about 4 times tonight already"

Anyway C-ro, I have some really really funny excerpts from letters that people have sent to the council, do you want me to tell you?

I say, I say

Missy Jem wrote: probably!!! I repeat myself a lot.

My usual line to my friens is, "Ooh did I tell you..."

To which they reply, "Yes Jem, about 4 times tonight already"

Anyway C-ro, I have some really really funny excerpts from letters that people have sent to the council, do you want me to tell you?

I say, I say

RIP FRED ELLIOT!!

:rip:

Do you know i never watch soaps, they're on as background noise, usually when I'm getting ready to go out. I honestly didn't know poor Fred was being cut out of the popular working class series that is Coronation Street.

So was he giving Audrey one or what?

Come on C-ro, you is in the know, mo fo...

Missy Jem wrote: Do you know i never watch soaps, they're on as background noise, usually when I'm getting ready to go out. I honestly didn't know poor Fred was being cut out of the popular working class series that is Coronation Street.

So was he giving Audrey one or what?

Come on C-ro, you is in the know, mo fo...

Look you, if it was Eastenders, you'd be in like a shot.

Pah

Missy Jem wrote: Look you, if it was Eastenders, you'd be in like a shot.

Pah

With Audrey?

Bonzette wrote:

Missy Jem wrote: Look you, if it was Eastenders, you'd be in like a shot.

Pah

With Audrey?

OK Smartarse, if you don't know who Audrey is then why are you knocking out the Z's?? Ha, I quashed your evil plan

that will show you.

Yeah.

Er, yes, it will.

Missy Jem wrote:

Bonzette wrote:

Missy Jem wrote: Look you, if it was Eastenders, you'd be in like a shot.

Pah

With Audrey?

OK Smartarse, if you don't know who Audrey is then why are you knocking out the Z's?? Ha, I quashed your evil plan

that will show you.

Yeah.

Er, yes, it will.

So, did the doctor say there they could treat your condition or not?

Trust me, the treatment's fatal ;)

In the words of that famous NOOL Barnet trout...